Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines
Review By: Joe

Terminator 3: MACHINES GO UP

Before this movie came out I was thinking it would suck because James Cameron (he created the shit) is not involved and was clearly attempting to end the series with number two. It occurred to me after this that I have never really thought of James Cameron as a visionary of any sort or even a great filmmaker for that matter. I mean, sure, T2 was cool but its not like the story was brilliant or revolutionary or anything. Plus, come on, he made Titanic (I haven't seen it but fuck it up the ass).

Honestly, I think this may very well be the best Terminator. What can I say, it takes all the best things from the last two movies and gets rid of a lot of the shit I didn't like. I SHOW!

Good things kept:

     Arnold Schwarzenneger as the Terminator.
     Nifty special effects that are even better due to current technology.
     Senseless and rampant destruction that is, in fact, upped quite a bit more.
     Innocent people getting killed. This film actually easily has the highest innocent people death count of all the films, including the death of at least one child (or teenager anyway)! Haha! Awesome.

Bad things gotten rid of:

     Sarah Connor.
     Stupid voiceovers by Sarah Connor (the voiceovers that are in the film are kept to a bare minimum).
     Edward Furlong because he is HEROIN.
     Most mentions of gay "HUMAN LIVES ARE SO IMPORTANT!" shit.
     Fucking up the time travel idea with stupid-ass plot.

Good things added:

     Hot, HOT, SEXY, HOT new Terminator-X (the TX).
     Really funny jokes that show that the movie is clearly not taking itself nearly as seriously as it had been trying to in the first two (but it's still not as funny as the first one isn't supposed to be).

Luckily, that about sums up my opinion of the film so I only need to write a bit more. JUST A BIT I SWEAR!

I truly enjoyed watching this film more, I think, than I did with all the others so I really don't mind calling it the best one of them all. The only thing T2 really has over this one is the cool effect of the T-2000 breaking apart all the time. The effects in this one are nice but nothing really tops that in coolness.

This film is made incredibly awesome by the fact that roughly EVERYTHING said by Arnold is a hilarious one-liner. It's fucking great. On top of that, Kristanna Loken as the first female terminator is a very good addition simply because she's so fricking, goddamned hot. If there is a God, my hat's off to him for when he made this lady's figure because GOLLY SHE IS PURTY. You get to see her butt in this tee hee...well, also Arnold's but that's pretty much a given with these movies. I also like the TX because John Connor calls her the Terminatrix at one point which is what I had been calling these series all along just because I am crazy. Dey read my mind! My only qualm with the TX is that she has more weapons and shit than the T-2000 but oddly enough seems to be built not as well. The T-200 could pretty much reform himself after any sort of explosion or gunshot but this one just seems to have a liquid metal skin, under which is a rather vulnerable robot who gets her comeuppance in a rather simplistic way at the end. Silly!

Oh Claire Danes is kind of annoying in this movie too but she gets banged around in the back of a van during a high-speed chase for about 15 minutes early in the film and it is very funny. Frequent shots of her smashing into walls and screaming make me smile. I'm rather indifferent toward the gentleman who plays John Connor in this movie. He isn't particularly good, mind you. It just doesn't really matter.

On top of that, the ending of this movie makes sense and I rather like it. It manages to even be the first film in the series to actually NOT fuck up the concept of time travel making it the most sense-making movie of the series easily. It also provides enough of a reason to disprove my time-ruining complaint from T2 (THE FIRST ONE STILL FUCKS IT UP ROYAL THOUGH), not to mention it pretty much makes the entire film obsolete, storyline-wise I mean.

I typed waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much here. Basically, if you hadn't figured it out yet because you real dumb, all three of these films are worth watching. They aren't groundbreaking in any way, shape, or form but the first one is damned funny, the second one is damned cool, and the third one is funny and cool and has Kristanna Loken in it whom, as I may or may not have mentioned before, is REALLY FUCKING HOT.

Kindergarten Cop

This is funny.


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