The Terminator
Review By: Joe

Terminator 3 came out pretty recently! Who else noticed? Couple of ya, right? Hey, that's great. Well, I've seen all three of the movies relatively recently so now I will review them all. You, in turn, grow sadder.

DAS TERMINATOR

Even though this is the film that began the series, it tends to also be the one that no one from my age group has seen or cares about. Sure, it did well back when it was released but that was the 80's and everybody was very, very confused back then.

There's a good reason for nobody to care about this film: it's not particularly good. The way I see it, James Cameron had an idea for a sci-fi action flick but, unfortunately, like I said, it was still the 80's and technology was not yet at a point where it could make stuff look cool. Apparently people thought it was cool back in the day but, by today's standards this movie looks quite dated. On top of that, the movie reeks like buttstink of an 80's vibe. All in all, what we basically have here is an action flick with poor special effects, really bad music, and terrible actors. I'll talk about those three things in that order, okay?! Okay!

The special effects are not so good. They dumb, although explosions are still satisfying enough. The only special effect really worth mentioning is the following one because it is funny. At a certain point in the movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger (who is the Terminator which is a ROBOT!!!!!) loses the skin about his eye and therefore his face has a hole in it with a red light where his eye would be. Apparently, makeup was so substandard at the time (or maybe it was budget reasons) that any shot of Arnold with the missing eye is not actually Arnold at all. It is, instead, some sort of puppet's head moving about all funny-like and it is VERY obvious.

On the bright side, James Cameron must have realized that this was more than a bit silly to watch for any extended period of time so Arnold dons sunglasses so he can actually be in the rest of the film. They kept the whole "Arnold wears sunglasses" thing going for the rest of the series to make him look more badass but NOW I HAVE REVEALED THE TRUTH that it was just there to cover up shoddy puppetry. The only other bad special effect worth mentioning is when Arnold loses all of his outer skin, he is reduced to a funny robot that ambles about like a monkey on stilts. All shots of the robot walking were clearly stop-motion animated and characters are superimposed running away from it at parts. This also looks very silly.

The music in the movie sounds like it was created entirely on a cheap Casio keyboard. The only other music in the movie is 80's music. None of it is good. The acting is nutsack...not that it really matters for this movie. Arnold is fine as the Terminator because, quite frankly, this is the part he was born to play. It requires him to show absolutely no emotion and just walk around looking big and stuff. Other than that, the acting is shite because we have to deal with that hooker who plays Sarah Connor and this Kyle faggot who is exceptionally poor at acting. Also particularly irritating is Sarah Connor's roommate who needs about ten slaps to the urethra. Luckily, she gets shot up.

Now I'll talk about the plot. Most people address this sort of thing at the beginning of their reviews but what you gonna do about it. The plot, for those of you who don't know, is about a robot with human skin over him called the Terminator (Arnold Schwarzengger) who comes back in time to kill this lady named Sarah Connor (played by a stupid woman who I've decided I won't even do justice to her performance by looking up her real name, TAKE THAT!) because she will, in the future, have a son named John who will lead the human resistance in a war against lots of evil machines and robots. The robots wanna win it all easy-like so they send Arnold back to kick her ass. Luckily for her, this dude named Kyle (played by a man who is really, REALLY quite bad at acting) also comes back from the future to protect her and fire shotgun rounds repeatedly at Arnold.

The movie's plot doesn't really get more complex than this except for the fact that it proceeds to shit all over the concept of time travel. It is revealed later in the film (although nobody is very surprised by that time) that Kyle is, in fact, John Connor's father. In other words, he and Sarah fuck and their retarded genes together produce the kid who eventually leads the human resistance in the future. ON TOP OF THAT, John Connor is the one who sent Kyle back in time, not only to protect his mother but to impregnate her because he's a crafty lad and has figured all this out already.

Although I'm sure I'm only about the billionth person to mention this, there's a rather gaping hole in this idea. How can John Connor be alive to send back someone from the future to impregnate his mom and produce him if he wouldn't even exist in the first place without that event happening? YOU GET ME OR WHAT? DAMN STRAIGHT.

I say only negativity of this movie because it really isn't a good piece of cinema but do not be mislead by my words! I am a spy and can make you do stuff that I want! The movie really is still a good watch because it's funny as all heck. The poor acting along with the shoddy effects are literally laughable and, on top of that, James Cameron, apparently wanting people like-minded like himself helping him to write the screenplay, hired some retards for the job because some of the quotes in the film are fucking ridiculous. Case in point, let me address the first line of dialogue that Sarah Connor utters in this film.

The scene begins with Sarah arriving on some sort of stupid moped to her job at some kind of fast food burger joint. She parks her dumbbike in the street in front of the restaurant, gets off, and proceeds to walk into the restaurant but not before stopping next to a huge plastic figurine of a chef man with two huge burgers. She taps the inanimate burgerman and says to him the following, "GUARD IT FOR ME, BIG BUNSTHZZ!!!" I am COMPLETELY SERIOUS. I say "big bunsthzz" because she truly does say it rather like that with a bit of a weird lisp. Note again that this is THE FIRST LINE SHE HAS IN THE MOVIE which also makes it the first line she ever utters in the entire Terminator series. THE FUTURE DOES NOT LOOK BRIGHT AT ALL.

Oh, you see Arnold's dick flailing around right at the beginning of this movie. It's ridiculous.

Crap that was all the first movie. Okay I'll make the next two shorter.


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