Blues Brothers 2000
Review By: Gringo

The Blues Brothers was a funny movie starring two once-funny comedians as blues-playing brothers. The first was Dan Aykroyd, who was funny until he discovered the joys of pie and munching and ate his own funny bone. The second was John Belushi, who was funny until he died. He was also a fatty. YOU SEE THE CONSPIRACY? The tubbies take the comedy, use it, and destroy! You do not believe me? Then a slap for you, Sammy!

Also, Blues Brothers 2000.

For some reason, with this unnecessary sequel, Dan Aykroyd and co-writer John Landis seem to have taken everything that made the original good and THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW. Get ready to read all about rehashed jokes aplenty! Alternatively, click that little [X] in the corner of the screen and disappear forever!

Still here? Then you're about to embark on a poorly written journey into a magical land of zombie dancers, crazy Russians, annoying little sidekick children who may or may not eat feces, "boojie boojie" and some other stuff I can't remember right now because I don't want to. So lazy.

I will now put on my professor's cap and teach you a math lesson, because I can. Dan Aykroyd + original ideas = 75% successful, i.e. Ghostbusters and, uh, Coneheads. Dan Aykroyd + sequels = a naughty, i.e. Ghostbusters II and this movie. Whereas only five years had passed between the two Ghostbusters movies - meaning Aykroyd's brain had not yet been replaced with a poop - 18 had passed before this clown car of a movie got the greenlight. You know what that means? ALL HIS GOOD IDEAS UP AND DIED BACK IN THE 90s!

The story is such: Elwood Blues has been released from jail. His brother Jake is dead. Their mentor Curtis is dead. John Candy is dead. Jonathan Harris is dead. OH, THE PAIN! THE PAIN! Elwood goes to see the Penguin (the nun from the orphanage where the Blues Brothers were raised) and somehow ends up having to look after a small child.

It's exactly this point when the first sniff of shit starts to emanate from the movie. Oh look! A small child in a sequel! Such a surprise! Wow, that Mr. Aykroyd must have stayed up nights wondering "Hmm, how can I make an original sequel? Maybe...add a small child! Unf...too much thought...time for more pie."

I don't know what happened to Dan Aykroyd's faux Chicago accent between the original movie and this one. Hmm...maybe 18 years? Anyway, it's gone from a believable Chicago twang to what sounds like someone trying to impersonate Kermit the frog. WHILE EATING A POTATO.

Anyway, there is some plot stuff which is just a retread of the first movie - Elwood gets the band back together, they have a big concert, get chased by naughties, the movie ends. While that formula made the first movie a winner, it makes this one a loser (such clever writing!) because there's very little effort been put in to it. Elwood ends up recruiting Mighty Mack (John Goodman), some cop (Joe Morton) and the small child as the next generation of Blues Brothers. Success!

Perhaps one of the most worrying aspects - especially for the small child, who probably thought he was on Mighty Mack's menu - is that when we first meet John Goodman's character, he's dancing and singing on stage at a strip club. Don't worry, he doesn't strip, he's just a bartender there having a bit of sing. But it's what he says that worried me so much.

Kicking off a song, he menacingly laughs before telling the strip girls they're going to have a "wing-ding doodle tonight." SCREAM! I'd run, if I were one of the girls (wishful thinking, Gringo!), because what Goodman probably meant was he's going to wrap them up in an extra-large KFC chicken wing and munch on their butts. Their butts! But instead he dances around the stage. Seeing John Goodman jiggle in a tight pair of jeans and a buttoned-up waistcoat two sizes too small for his generous chest is an image that has burned my brain and eyes forever. WING-DING!

Anyway, for some reason members of Chicago's infamous Russian Mafia (quite) decides to blow up the nightclub and chase Elwood and the band for the rest of the movie. The worst part about this is that the Russian guys' accents are all heavily accented. Maybe because they are Russian? HMM! So you get lots of "I vill kill zese damn Amerikuns if it ze last tink I ever do" It's yet another example of Aykroyd Xeroxing his past success with The Blues Brothers - where Jake and Elwood were chased by a Chicago branch of the Nazi party - by using the Russian Mafia this time round. Hey, I got an idea! Why not come up with a totally original plot and structure?

Recycled jokes seem to be key to this movie's suck-a-butt quality. In the original, the band visits a yokel's bar called Bob's Country Bunker, where they sing some country songs (IN A COUNTRY BAR? THOSE WACKY CUNTS!) and that's about it. In the sequel, the band visits the same place, but it's now Bob's Country Kitchen, serving up...food! Oh, so clever! In the original, two of the band members work in a greasy Chicago cafe. In the sequel, they own a Mercedes dealership, except one that apparently has no customers...ever! Okay! Excuse me! Is that some sense over there? Then fuck it in the ass, throw it away and then let's continue!

Somehow, the plot moves on just enough to inform the unlucky viewer that the band is going to enter Queen Mousette's (I'm not making this anus-quality stuff up) Battle of the Bands in New Orleans. Uh? And thanks to the magic of movie, they manage to travel from Illinois to Louisiana in about twenty minutes. Success! On the way, there's a random fat man interlude, when the lead singer of the band Blues Traveler sing a song...again for no real reason. There sure is a lot of stuff thrown in for no good reason, huh?!?!

When the Blues Brothers get to Queen Mousette's, things go from bad to cunt. To enter the contest, the band has to audition, and the Queen orders them to sing something "Caribbean" Elwood says they've never done Caribbean tunes. So what does the Queen do? TURNS THEM INTO ZOMBIES WHO SING CARIBBEAN TUNES.

      

WHAT? THE? HELL? These three jiggy zombies then feel it necessary to sing a song (as opposed to doing something else with a song. Stupid fucking English language!) called Funky Nassau. I'm sorry, but watching three guys - two of them in desperate need of having their meaty paws kept well away from their gigantic food stashes - wobble about, arms outstretched and moaning a song to the worst of their abilities is far from funky. In fact, it's pretty fucky. HO HO! You see? Funky? Fucky? It is like a laugh merry-go-round on this website!

Anyway, the song is apparently good enough to convince Queen Mousette to let the Blues Brothers take part in the battle of the bands. Now, for quite some time there's been no mention in the plot of the Russian Mafia or even a group of rednecks who are also chasing the band for reasons requiring too much effort to explain. So the clowns in black suits take to the stage and sing another number, being the second of just two bands who are apparently playing at the battle of the bands. Sorry? The fuck? If the Blues Brothers hadn't showed up, it would make the first band the only entrants, hence not a battle, unless the members of the band all started beating each other up. Hey! Logic! Go take a flying jump off Cuntsville Canyon!

And who is this first band? Well, it's made up of more than 20 well-known musicians including B. B. King and the most uncomfortable-looking man in the world, Eric Clapton. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Mr. Clapton is a perfectly normal man, but in this movie he seems to be wincing every second the camera is on him. Not really surprising, considering he probably read through the script and couldn't stop thinking "Why the hell did I agree to this?" Still, he probably got a nice paycheck out of it, so he ends up winning anyway. This band of big-name players does a song, then the Blues Brothers do a song. THE BATTLE IS OVER!

The audience declares the genuine band to be winners, and the Blues Brothers get nothing, Which kind of pisses all over the plot being about the band's entry in the contest. At this point, Aykroyd obviously dropped his pie to think "Oof! The Mafia story! Shit!" and write them back in. Along with the rednecks, they burst (yes, burst!) into the battle and threaten the Blues Brothers with guns. Queen Mousette turns the Russians into mice (don't even bother asking), and then the rednecks warn the witch not to try any of her "boojie boojie" on them. She does, and they turn into mice.

And that's it. The Blues Brothers are still being chased by the police, so Elwood and the little kid decide to go on the run. Together. I AM SAYING NOTHING. This review is over! I shall now insert a pop culture reference for no real reason other than to use a naughty word to end this review with. Dan Aykroyd, you saw the whole of the moon. AND YOU ATE IT ALL, YOU FAT CUNT!

Is it any surprise the only good thing about this movie is the music? On the plus side (yes, there is one!) the music is very, very good. If you like that kind of thing. And I do. On the down side, green zombies


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