Dream Catcher
Review By: Lauren

Recently I felt compelled to see the movie Dream Catcher. Let me start off by saying the director of this movie blew my ass off, ate it, shit it out, ate the shit that was made of my ass, crapped out the ass-shit and stuck it on a reel. Yes it sucked that bad. I would not advise any one to see it unless you feel the need to pay 6 bucks to lower your IQ. I would rather pay someone 10 bucks to cave my skull in with a ratchet, than have to watch this movie again.

The movie starts out with a guy about to shoot him self in head. Unfortunately he missed (what a retard). Then this other guy calls and starts to tell him about their mutual friend whom they miss a lot (Boohoo). And a bunch of other bullshit that I didn't care about/understand happened with some other dudes. I can't remember any of their names, so henceforth they will be referred to as Douche 1, Douche 2, Douche 3, and etc.

So the Douche Crew decides to meet up and go camping, all the while having flash backs about some kid with a speech impediment getting an old school beat down, and the Douche Crew saving him. The kid's name is Duddits, or at least that's what those asshats in Douche Crew call him, but we shall call him Mongoloid Crack Baby for short. After our hero's save him it goes on to explain how Mongoloid Crack Baby is some super genius boy who has telepathic powers and is an all-knowing being. Yeah right, he can't even pronounce his own damn name and shits in his Mickey Mouse underpants.

This is about the part I black out from sheer lack of mental stimulation. I awoke a couple minutes later to find out the Douche Crew had received the same special powers as MCB. These powers enable them to wiggle their finger and find anything. And what do they do? These PicklePullers venture out to find some lost retarded girl from MCB's school. Fuck that, I would be out finding buried gold and pirates booty, or my dad's porn stash.

Is there a Douche convention in town?

Now, while at the cabin, Douche 1 pulls the dick out of his butt and notices something is wrong. All the animals are running away from the woods. I never thought I would see a stampeding heard of pissed off squirrels, but why the hell not, this movie already had done a lot dumber shit. Everything is running away now, the moose, deer, bears and for some reason the birds aren't flying, they're running. Being the super mystery-solving sleuth that he is, Douche 1 says something along the lines of. " That's weird, they are all running away." Wow.

What the Hell? Thousands upon thousands of animals are running covered in blood and this guy says "Whoa, kinda weird almost, or something." This is the part where I flipped off the screen, and kicked the guy in front of me in head. Hey, I had to vent my anger. And it doesn't end there. They stretched stupidity to the very brink of boarding on shows like Dude, Where's My Car? Yeah. It's that dumb.

Now Douche 1 and 3 are standing outside, while Douche 2 and 4 are back in the woods having a jerk circle, when they see some hunter dude stumble and fall, he is like "Help me and shit." Or something like that. So they bring him inside and give him some soup. The whole time the hunter is farting really bad, and Douche 1 keeps saying, "Well, fuck me Freddy!" I kid you not. He says this throughout the entire movie, whenever something weird happens. Anyway they lay him down and his stomach is growing really fast and he starts bleeding out the anus everywhere. So he runs to the bathroom leaving a trail of 6 billon gallons of blood behind him.

They try to help him but he wont open the door, so Douche Crew decides to ram it down. When the door comes down they see him fall over off the pot and something is moving inside the toilet. So they close the lid and Douche 1 sits on it while Douche 3 gets something to kill it with. Douche 1 and all of his 87 lbs.cant hold the seat down and the thing escapes. Now I was like "Alright, I finally get to seen something cool!" But the writers of the show knew we would think that so they fixed it. The thing was a worm with teeth. Oh God, no, please not a night crawler with molars!

To make a long story short, the ass weasel or "butt worm" kills Douche 1 because Douche 3 is a douche. I guess I did get to see something cool. OK so now Whats-his-douche is standing there watching the butt worm, but the worm slides past him and onto a giant foot standing behind him. Douchey McDoucherson turns around and looks up slowly to see this huge ass alien standing over him. The alien grabs him and a bright light flashes. He then orgasms and the alien possesses his mind. We see Douche running around inside a library, which I guessed was his mind, because the library had Categories like "Early Memories", "How to Play Baseball", and "Homoerotic Experiences" (which was completely full by the way).

He can view what the alien is doing through windows, which represent his eyes. As he is browsing through he finds a section about MCB and starts reading it. Apparently MCB knew this would happen and warned them about "Mista Gay". HAHAHAHAH. What the fuck? Mister Gay? Oh, I'm sorry dumb shit, you must have meant MISTER GREY, the huge alien. Will some one put this moron out of my misery!? If I was Mr. Grey, who by the way was actually a complete bad ass (with a British Accent?), I would jam my scorpion tail into MCB's shriveled nut sac, and let the venom flow.

God Damn, this movie had way to many shitty points to even begin to explain. Well it turns out Mr. Gay is going to put those butt worms in a major cities water supply. It never explains why, except I think Mr. Gay seriously hates tap water. BRITA RULEZ!!!!1!. As he attempts to put the worms in the water, MCB shows up and ruins everything by not dieing.

Casting: 1
Damn Douches.

Plot: 2
Plot? What plot? The plot seemed to have revolved around ass jokes (which are good) and blood.

Chick Factor: 0
Not counting MCB, there were no chicks

Excitement: 3
Watching Aliens getting roasted by helicopter mounted gatling guns was sweet.

Entertainment Value: 2
I had a laugh or two.

Rewatchability : 1
I would rather watch a 48-hour marathon of Captain Planet, while being castrated by a rusty spork. After I watched this show I hit myself in the balls with a tire iron. I will never watch this show again. Ever. Period.


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