Even More Life After Walt
Review By: Gringo

Hello again! It's time for another semi-coherent look over four of the animated features from Disney's glorious canon. Well, not so glorious, more kind of shit-stained and a bit battered, really. For the simpler of our readers (or anyone from Georgia), this is the third in what is fast becoming a seemingly never-ending series. Well, I say fast becoming. More like every-few-months becoming, but then that's not a real phrase, is it? No, it isn't! So shut the fuck up! The basic idea behind the Life After Walt articles is to make fun (giggle!) of some Disney movies. You can see the first two attempts at getting cheap laughs here and then here. But don't click them just yet! First you have to suffer this one! Do as I say, not as I do! Before, I've concentrated on finding recurring themes in Disney movies, including annoying sidekicks, subversive sexuality and other magical things. This time, I'm just going to write anything I feel like. JUST CALL ME JOHNNY REBEL. If you're wondering why I don't just write individual reviews for the following movies, then shut up! I know you won't have been wondering why, but let me tell you anyway. It's because it's a lot quicker and easier to review and make fun of a movie in two short paragraphs. All secrets revealed!

The Rescuers. However, when all my originality runs out (which will be right about...now) I'll allude to the themes I've already discovered in Disney's wacky history of animation. So! Onto the first of today's movies, and this one is one of the more entertaining ones on the list. The story of rodents Bianca and Bernard on a, um, rescue mission, is aimed squarely of those with a mental age below 10. Which suits me just fine! Wait a minute - what was I saying about originality running out? Brain freeze! Perhaps a bit of the story will help you on your way? The blurb on the video box says, "With high-flying adventure and delightful charm, The Rescuers follows the courageous exploits of two brave mice to the marshy swamps of Devil's Bayou to rescue a missing orphan named Penny!" Well, that's half-true, if you get rid of the "delightful charm" part, and reduce the fun factor in "high-flying adventure" somewhat. Otherwise, it's a good movie! Although strangely, like all animated feature films by Disney, this one is marked CLASSIC in big letters. Which is a bit odd, given that people's definitions of what is truly considered to be a classic may differ wildly. OH WELL!

It's also the stuff of urban legend, which automatically makes this movie a winner. Amusingly, ever since the original 1977 release of this movie there has been, apparently, a brief freeze frame of some woman's boobies inserted into one scene. Read more about the fun here! Because someone at Disney has to have been responsible for putting the image in the movie, it just confirms my suspicions that some people there are trying to get as much subversive sexuality in their animated movies as possible. You want proof? I HAVE NONE! Go find it yourself! What am I, a detective? Anyway, the movie's okay, it's nothing like the 'classic' Disney movies like The Lion King, but it's still watchable. But you don't want to hear that! You came here for the crap jokes! Well, okay then! COCKY PISS ANUS! Satisfied? If not, there's plenty more where that came from. I didn't really care for the follow-up, titled The Rescuers Down Under, but then again, most Disney sequels tend to suck. The damn finance leeches just want to make money of crapola. Just look at their line-up of crummy sequels, from another Peter Pan to another Hunchback Of Notre Dame. And just what is the point of Cinderella II: Dreams Come True? More like Corporate Cunty II: Money-Spinner.

Pinocchio. Okay, so this list is definitely not limited to movies made after Walt Disney stuck himself in an icebox to be reanimated in the year 2125. It's an old one, and not a particularly good one. The basic problem I have with this movie is that the lead character (that little wooden shitbox Pinocchio) is annoyingly stupid. Not in a Dumb And Dumber funny kind of stupid way. Oh no! This is doe-eyed, stupidhead stupid! The worst kind! I don't really find this movie entertaining or interesting, and the annoying little cricket character deserves a million and one smacks. It's nowhere near as bad as Dumbo, which is one of the most grotesque animated movies I've ever seen, but it's still not a winner. Besides, what's with the whole plot? Mr. Crazy Wood Person says, "Ooh! I would like me a wooden boy to come to life!" Quite. Dirty old pervert! I had a Disney Christmas LP a long time ago, which was essentially the voice actors from various movies singing Christmas songs. Well, the stupid cricket character sang one song, and it is still etched into my memory, explaining my hatred of the little sod, and therefore the whole movie.

In the past Life After Walt articles, I complained about the trend of having an annoying sidekick in Disney movies. It's one which was obvious from the Genie in Aladdin to the jive-talking crab Sebastian in The Little Mermaid. It's one that is all too obvious in Pinocchio. And for conforming to the standards set by its predecessors, the movie deserves to be beaten about the face. I don't recall any attempts at subversive sexuality in this movie, or even that other reliable Disney stereotype; that all English people are inherently evil. All you need to know about this movie is that the little wooden boy ends up living happily after ever. OR DOES HE? It is a mystery! How will you solve it? Put on your mystery-solving hat, grab a magnifying glass (or mystery-solvers have one) and look for clues! It is the only way you will discover the truth! Alternatively, watch the movie for yourself. But I wouldn't really recommend doing that. The animation was improving at Disney's studios by the time Pinocchio was made, but there's still that horrible sappy tone to the whole movie, which thankfully has now been reduced to the extent where you get Stitch trying to destroy the world in Lilo & Stitch. Celebrate!

Lady And The Tramp. Here was me during watching this movie: SNOOZE! SNOOZE! SNOOZE! Yes, I snoozed! A lot! And I made that noise! "PTCHEE SNOOZE SNOOZE PTCHEE" was the noise I made! The PTCHEE part is me breathing in and out, the SNOOZE part is me, uh, SNOOZING. SO MUCH SNOOZE! What I'm trying to say is that Lady And The Tramp was not very interesting. Such a shock! It's a movie about two dogs, from opposite ends of the social scale (the lady is, not too surprisingly, from a rich family, the tramp smells of pee and mutters to himself while drinking from a whisky bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag). This movie is only memorable in the public psyche (OOOH! USE CLEVER WORDS!) because of that stupid scene where the two dogs eat a piece of spaghetti and end up touching lips. This is a flawed scene. Firstly, dogs don't eat spaghetti strand by strand. They wolf the fucking stuff down like they would any other chow that's put in front of their stupid faces. Secondly, dogs don't really tend to kiss. They only sniff each other's butts before getting it on. Thirdly, I've run out of reasons why the scene sucks. Just trust me, it does!

Part of the problem with any movie with animals as the lead characters is that humans can't really relate to them. Unless you're a half-human, half-dog, for example. Someone called He-Dog, who goes around humping people's legs and demanding to be walked all the time, but clocks in for a regular nine to five shift all the same. Hey! I smell a success here! Somebody greenlight He-Dog now! Do it! Uh...where was I? Oh yes, Lady And The Tramp. The story's not that interesting, and I couldn't give a toss if the scraggy tramp dog gets it on with the rich bitch. And because I am master of everything ever, what I say goes! Damn, I'm using far too many exclamation marks in this article. See! The! Overuse! There is a fat Italian waiter in this movie. He has a stupidly big moustache. In other news, there are very few Disney animated features that deserve a four or five star review. Because this site doesn't do reviews in terms of stars, that means none of them get one! Ho ho! Although a couple of Disney movies are very good, this one can't be included in the list. It's not a dog poop of a movie, more a dog pee against a lamppost.

The Emperor's New Groove. Now this movie is a damn winner. You know why? Because it is on drugs. Drugs, I tell you! Apparently this was going to be some dry epic cartoon yarn about a South American emperor on a quest to hump some butts. Instead, The Emperor's New Groove turned into a wacky funfest, centering on the story of an emperor-turned-llama and his fat, bumbling sidekick. Now, you might think it odd I find a Disney movie with a sidekick in it to be good, seeing as I've stated I hate the whole comedy sidekick shtick the House of Mouse likes using. Well, if you think it's odd, FUCK YOU! WHAT ARE YOU? A DETECTIVE? GO SOLVE A CRIME, COLUMBO! I genuinely think this is easily in the top ten Disney animated features ever made, because it's (1) funny, (2) got John Goodman in, and fat people = the funny and (3) has the best evil duo of any Disney movie ever made. Wrinkled old hag Yzma and her dumb sidekick (ahh! Another one!) Kronk actually get more laughs than the main pairing of Emperor Kuzco (who's a llama for much of the movie) and peasant Pacha. The world is full of surprises!

Anyway, I put this one on the list just to show that there is one exception to the general rules set out by the Disney corporation. BUT ONLY ONE, JIMMY! The rest all uniformly stick to the rules of suck, from unfunny sidekicks to sexual subversion. Now for more lies! I said at the end of More Life After Walt that, and I quote, because it pushes up the word count, "in a few months you'll probably be able to read 'Even More Life After Walt'. Then again, I could be lying. Suspense!" Well, this time I'll say I have had more than enough of Disney movies for the time being. Besides, I can't really remember much about the others I've not covered so far. I was tempted to buy Atlantis: The Lost Empire and Tarzan to give a more informed opinion, but then I realised what website I'm writing for. THROW YOUR INFORMED OPINION AWAY! Still, there's the chance that in a few months you'll no doubt be able to read 'Yet Even More Life After Walt'. I won't be happy until I get to 'Now Another Yet Even More Life After Walt". Whether you'll read it is up to you. Hint = choose no.


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