American Pie & American Pie 2
Review By: Joe

Hey! I don't really like shit! In fact, I'm mostly against watching it. Shit is not very entertaining and it is kind of gross too.

American Pie

American Pie fits this description rather admirably back when I saw it in theaters. You know, I was a young lad back then, not that young, seventeen I think. Anyhow, some kids had just shot some other kids in a school so I couldn't get into rated-R movies as easily. Funny how those two things sound completely unrelated, huh? Yeah. Therefore, my friend and I purchased a ticket to The House On Haunted Hill and went to American Pie instead. Hee hee! So naughty! I'd heard The House On Haunted Hill sucked so at least I went away feeling the right way about the movie I actually did see. Secret message: That means American Pie sucked.

This movie is about a bunch of kids having sex. The overall idea of it was that a bunch of guys decide that they absolutely HAVE TO get laid on prom night, which subsequently solidified it as a rule for real life. KIDS! FUCK ON PROM NIGHT. So then some stuff happens and this one guy fucks a pie UP THE ASS. Anyway, nothing in this movie was very funny. It was just like "OH SHIT LOOK HE JUST DRANK THE JIZZ YOU SHOULD LAUGH NOW!" I remember what really bugged me was when they tried to put a meaningful message into it at the very last second. The pie-fucking kid says something like "GRR WHY WE FOCUS ON SEX ALL TIME I NO LIKE I ALREADY HATE SEX BECAUSE OF YOU GRR I SO MAD!" But right after he went and had a one-night stand with the flute girl anyway so it was completely pointless for them to have that little chat. I didn't explain that very well. Yay!

I haven't seen this movie in a long while. I'm afraid I didn't shell out the cash to rent or purchase the unedited version, I am so sorry. Therefore, all I can really remember is RAGE AND REDNESS AND KILLING. Anyway, this movie sucks. The first Jurassic Park sucked too while we are at it. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

American Pie 2

Now then, I was considering reviewing this as it was coming out (without seeing it, of course) because it looked like the exact same movie all over again and I do all my best judgement through previews. However, just today my school's cable channel started showing it for no reason that I can fathom. So I saw like the end of it at least. Tara Reid looks like a crack whore in this one. I dunno if I missed some joke earlier in the film where someone like ejaculated on her eyes or something so they got all gross looking but it's possible. That, or she's just a crack whore. Jason Biggs still annoys me. I don't think he fucks a pie in this one, but who knows? The message of the film appears to be "You can't keep fucking da same bitch all da time, go get anuddah bitch" because all the guys from the last movie were walking up to the girls and going "Hey let us fuck" and the girls would go "Oh I have changed there is a no fuck for you today." From the looks of it, this one tries to be more meaningful than the other one because there is more talking so I think I might hate it more. I don't know really, I didn't see the whole thing. At the end of the movie, everyone committed a mass suicide. No, wait...I made that up.

I am hereby making a threat*. If they make a third one, I'm gonna go kill a kid. You don't want that. So don't fucking do it.

* Threat null and void in all states but Nebraska**
** I will never go to Nebraska


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