America's Sweethearts
Review By: Joe

America's Sweethearts is a new romantic comedy coming out sometime later this month (July 2001). Due to the fact that it is not out yet and I do not have any sort of critic's screening pass, I could not have seen it at this time, nor do I plan to upon its release. However, I feel confident that I can still make a fairly accurate review of this groundbreaking piece of film history.

This movie stars Julia Roberts, who is simply the queen of the romantic comedy. Basically, this means we, the movie-going public, have every right to have her dragged out into the street, shot repeatedly with paintballs, eaten alive by hungry marmosets, and then have any part of her that might still have feeling left shot with rifles (not paintballs this time, real bullets, you see) until she is (more) dead. It also stars that guy who I think has a French-sounding name but I can't quite place it. It's something like Jean Luc-Picard.

Anyway, Jean Claude Van-Damme is the obvious love interest in this movie. You can tell in the commercials because him and Julia Roberts exchange all these looks with each other that completely give it away. His is usually some composed look that says "I am so sexy and you are a stupid woman who is falling for me stupidly" and then her look is like "Oh I am so nervous around you that I will fall down a lot and much slapstick comedy will ensue as I set back the Women's Rights Movements another couple of hundred years!"

You know that other romantic comedy Julia Roberts had with Richard Gere that wasn't Pretty Woman? Runaway Bride it was called. In the commercials for that they always showed scenes that made it obvious that her and Richard Gere were gonna get together in the end (also that whole bit about reusing the Pretty Woman formula tipped us off some). I don't know why they do this. It just kills the whole point in seeing the movie. Obviously, there's no entertainment value in these wretched productions, so at least they should leave us guessing about who Julia Roberts is gonna end up spreading for at the end. Not that I'd care then either. Actually, come to think of it, they should just stop making romantic comedies and burn the reels of all the ones that are already out there. I've stopped making a coherent point here so I'll move on.

Now, I haven't seen the movie but here are some of the scenes you can probably expect.

  1) Julia Roberts acting stupid.
  2) Catherine Zeta Jones (yeah, she's in it too) acting like a bitch.
  3) Marcel Marceau chuckles knowingly about how Julia is acting stupid.
  4) Julia Roberts falls down.
  5) Julia Roberts and Napoleon Bonaparte have tension between them but they do not
       act on it and instead avoid each other with nervous laughter.
  6) Julia Roberts falls on Jean Paul Gautier.
  7) Jean Valjean displays male superiority to Julia Roberts like it's nobody's business.
  8) Julia Roberts accidentally burns down a Planned Parenthood clinic.
  9) Monkeys fall from the theater ceiling and start beating people in the - oh, sorry, got the
       world domination plans mixed in with the - anyway, let's move on.

To sum up, screw this movie. If you want to see the wonder of Julia Roberts and her mouse-like features in a romantic comedy, you can rent pretty much anything she's ever been in, with the exception of Erin Brockovich. Hell, there are tons of movies without Julia Roberts that are the exact same type of thing. However, if you are the type of person who actually wants to see a romantic comedy in the first place, you probably won't take my advice and will go see America's Sweethearts even though the same movie has been done about two-thousand-three-hundred and fifty-eight times already. What the hell are you doing at this site anyway?

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