Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Review By: Gringo

It cost $2 million to bring a cinematic masterpiece to reality. That's the entire budget for Killer Klowns From Outer Space, which is one of my favourite movies. Sure, Ninja Academy is gloriously low budget, but it just can't match the quality of a movie about blood-sucking demonic clowns landing on Earth in their circus tent UFO.

From the very start, you know you're onto a winner with this movie. The theme song, performed by The Dickies, contains such quality lyrics as, "some make us laugh, some make us cry, these clowns only going to make you die." Apparently, the band hadn't even seen the movie when they wrote the song. Zoom!

At first I thought that was some senile old man who pees himself nightly, staggering the woods and shouting "POO! POO? POO!" because of his recurring Tourette's Syndrome.

But how wrong I was! Turns out he named the dog Pooh. You know, after Pooh Bear? Winnie the Pooh? That fat, stupid bear that went around eating honey, hiding his true sexuality and giggling and awful lot? Anyway, that's his dog's name.

The old man soon stumbles across a circus tent. Now, if I was walking through the woods late at night and saw a circus tent in the middle of nowhere, I'd be freaked out. I might even fall over, crack my head and pee my pants, dribbling uncontrollably. But I guess we'll never know.

The old man, by contrast, starts beaming like a two-year-old and starts exploring the site. However, when he grabs hold of the tent (for no real reason), it electrocutes him.

This really pisses him off. Look at the picture above - wouldn't you be pissed off if that happened to you? He can't find his Pooh (snicker), and is about to go mental when one of the evil, alien clowns appears.

Even then, the old man just sits and grins like a small child rather than running like buggery (I don't know how buggery runs, and I don't want to). What does the clown do? ZAPS HIS FACE WITH A GUN.

But this is no special gun. PLOT SECRETS REVEALED! The clowns turn their victims into cotton candy cocoons, which stores their bodies, jellifies them and makes it possible for the clowns to suck the blood out of to stay alive.

Meanwhile, generic (and badly dressed) teenagers Mike and Debbie are having a smooch up on a stereotypical cliff top where horny youngsters go to get off. My, what a remarkable felicity of expression I possess! Anyway, they see the clown ship arrive, looking like a shooting star across the night sky, and go to investigate.

Again, when they stumble across the circus tent, they don't run like crazy. Oh no! They wander inside, unaware of the clown/klown related danger inside. It's obvious Debbie is the smart one in the relationship, with incisive lines like this:

Debbie: I don't believe in UFOs, but if they do exist...then we're in one!

Bizarrely, Mike disagrees and thinks the UFO is some kind of cotton candy factory, and that the pods of pink goo hanging up inside are in fact candy being hung out to dry before being shipped off to various fine food depositories across the USA.

Debbie, however, has other ideas, and smartly says:

Debbie: NOBODY STORES COTTON CANDY LIKE THIS!

See? What a clever boots. They find a dead guy inside the cotton candy, and then run for it, with the clowns in hot pursuit!

After evading the clowns - who have guns that fire popcorn bullets - the duo run off to the police station to report the mayhem to Dave, a policeman they apparently both know. Ooh! Drama time! Dave used to date Debbie, but now Debbie's screwing Mike! Oh my! But forget dramatic tension, we want sarcastic one-liners!

Thankfully, the character of Officer Mooney helpfully obliges. Mooney is a real star; he has a bottle of whisky on his desk, smokes cigars, loves other people's misfortune and hates anyone under the age of 65. So when Mike and Debbie explain the space-related craziness they've witnessed, he calmly responds:

Mooney: Killer clowns? From outer space? Holy shit.

Click here to download his most excellent comment and play it over and over and over again to yourself! Anyway, that's the set up. Mooney doesn't believe the clown shit, and policeman Dave is only won over himself when he sees one of the clowns eat an entire crowd.

How does the clown do this? By making shadow puppets on a wall - from a simple bunny rabbit to Washington crossing the Delaware - before making a dinosaur shadow puppet that eats five or six people at once. It's bizarre, comic and so very much another flash of the genius that runs through this film.

And so the magic rolls on. For once I'm not going to spoil the entire plot, because there's some very funny scenes - including clown heads popping up out of the toilet - and I want you to buy the DVD of the movie. Capitalism wins!

What I will tell you is that Debbie is eventually captured by the clowns, and sealed inside a balloon. Yes, a balloon. Seems the clowns keep some of their victims alive for a short while in balloons.

With Debbie captive, in her nice orange balloon, and most of the town turned into cotton candy, the clowns head back to their spaceship. Except Mike and Dave are in hot pursuit!

And where do clowns hide out? In a theme park of course! Just as they're about to enter their spaceship, a security guard at the park gets suspicious of the menagerie of freaks and the balloon they're carrying. They're also carrying lots of cream pies in their hands. To which Mr. Security Guard asks:

Security Guard: What are you going to do with those pies, boys?

The answer is as follows: the pies are covered in acid foam, and a seemingly endless barrage of the deadly desserts is pelted at the poor, unsuspecting security guard. In no time (a slight contradiction to me saying it was an endless barrage), he is reduced to a creamy pile of slop, with just the random bone poking out, sizzling nicely.

Anyway, they get on the ship, confrontation looms and all sorts of magic occurs. Go buy the DVD if you want to find out exactly what! One more genius scene happens when Dave and Mike rescue Debbie (by shooting the balloon she's stuck in). Mike and Debbie want to make a run for it, but Dave, ever the brave policeman, shouts out perhaps the second-best line of dialogue from the movie:

Dave: We can't leave! There might be other people still alive in these balloons!

I swear the sweat from the drama at this point will be pouring down your face and squirting out of your armpits at this point! It's a scary scene! Oh yes! Don't believe me? Then click here and relive the tension yourself!

Review over! I love this movie with all my heart. It's Klown-tastic. I recommend everyone, ever, goes out and buys the DVD, which has a tremendous commentary, deleted scenes, features and wacky fun aplenty. Oh, and don't worry, that's a normal Amazon link, not some insipid money-grabbing referral scheme intended to trick you into helping us raise an extra $3.

You want more Klown? According to the Chiodo brothers on the movie's commentary, there's a sequel in the works. Truly, life doesn't get any better than this. Pooh?


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