Changing Lanes
Review By: Joe

This movie came out awhile ago and it has Ben Affleck in it and he sucks a lot GOOGLIEPOK I FUCK J-LO IN THE BUTT AND THEN SHE MAKES A VIDEO ABOUT ME KISSING THE BUTT I AM PRETTY COOL WE ARE HAVING A FINE YEAR HERE IN THE CAPITALIST WONDERLAND THAT IS AMERICA FUCK SHIT ASS FUCK CUNT. The other person in this movie is that black guy who used to have a career and now he is in this movie and in XXX. I think his name is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH I DON'T REMEMBER!

Now you listen to me! I saw a preview for this movie when it came out and from the preview it looked to me the movie was about nothing more than a goddamned file! Like Ben Assfleck (steal!) is a business man and he loses a file to black. So then the movie comes out and it gets all this good press and stuff and I'm just like "Oh that shit is shit fuck that shit." But then my friend Colin and I we go into the city (New York they call it) and we realize we have nothing to do so we go drink some beer and it starts to give me a bit of a headache in the back of my head.

Then we still having nothing to do so we go to the very expensive theater near Penn Station and we find that there are only like two things we'd want to bother seeing. One was The Scorpion King which would be shit but would at least be funny to laugh at because of The Rock's face. Then we go "OH OR WE COULD SEE CHANGING LANES I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT BUT I DUNNO IT IS GETTING REVIEWED SOME WELL!" So we choose VERY UNWISELY to go see Changing Lanes.

Ok so this movie SUCKED. The preview was actually incredibly accurate because the film really is about little more than A FILE. Granted, the loss of the file means the collapse of Ben Buttsuck's company but, you know, for some reason I STILL DON'T CARE ABOUT STUPID COMPANIES AND LAW FIRMS SO, HMM, FUCK THIS!!! Another thing that was stupid about this movie is that they decide to put in a subplot about Ben Affleck having an affair with his secretary even though in the movie he is married to Amanda Peet who isn't that hot but was at least on par with the secretary, if not a bit hotter. Plus, this stupid subplot doesn't even go anywhere.

The other thing that sucked about this movie was that it looked like it was filmed by some stupid art student with a camcorder. We had to sit up close so all the stupid, jumpyfast camera movements were really irritating on the eyes and BRAIN. I would've excused this sort of thing in a genuinely artsy film that was still good because artsy people get away with all kinds of bullshit but not in a crapass Hollywood film that sucked like this.

Also, recall that headache I said I was developing before I went to the movie? Well, once I began watching the movie it gradually developed into a more and more painful headache and when the film was over my head REALLY FUCKING HURT, mostly in the back. In all honesty, I can't recall ever having a headache that felt like that at any other time of my life. It was incredibly discomforting and weird and, get this, it LASTED FOR THREE DAYS. I am NOT kidding. I attribute this terrible pain not only to the shitty camerawork in this movie but also the overall suckiness of it in general.

There is one good thing about this movie. On the cover of it there is a picture with Ben Fag on one side and Black Man on other, but it is only one half of each face. So! If you go to a video rental place and they have a couple copies of this movie you can push all the tape cases together (you can only do this with the VHS because the DVD cover does not cover the entire case so there is a gap of black in-between) and it looks like a bunch of crazy men with half-white, half-black faces!! I do this every time I go to Blockbuster. You should too.

Don't see this movie unless you like getting three-day, mind-numbing PAINS IN YOUR HEAD. Critics know fuck all about anything!! Fuck Ben Affleck! Oh, the other guy in the movie was Samuel L. Jackson.


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