Universal Studios Monsters
Review By: Gringo

OOGA BOOGA BOOGA! Back in the 1930s and 1940s, Universal Studios used to be the best Hollywood, um, studio for churning out horror movie after horror movie, creating several monster pictures that went on to be deemed classics. Or just referenced a lot in things like The Simpsons. Either way, I got bored one day in Gringo land (the Internet broke, so I couldn't get my pornies) and decided to watch these movies. All of them! See, Universal Studios re-released all eight of their 'Classic Monster Collection'. Now you get a review of them! Well, four of them, anyway. I'll do the other four when I can be bothered (so, about 2015). Opening up the magic Gringo vaults - where cash pours out, but never goes in - I marched off to the DVD store and said to the guy behind the counter "Hey, Jimmy!" (he might not have been called Jimmy) "You give me these DVDs now!" He punched my face and said, "You pay for them!" I said, "OKAY!" So I got my movies, and a bruise from the punch, and went home to Gringo Towers - all ever must be named Gringo from now on - and started watching these wacky monster movies. LET'S ROCK!

Dracula

I wrote a review of this movie last Halloween, when I was stuck for something to come up with to commemorate that special day. Linking old articles is a sneaky treat! However, on re-reading the review, I found out that in 200 words, I failed to get in one sentence about what I thought of the movie. Well, I re-watched (everything gets a re-prefix in this review! Oh ho! Re-view! Zing!) it, just for you special children. Be grateful! Although there's a winning opening sequence, where Renfield (who goes on to be a loony and eat insects) visits Count Dracula's castle, this movie is pretty tame. It just ambles on and gets tedious after a while. I wasn't really scared at any point (ooh, so brave!) and I'm not going to say it's a great movie just because it's old. The only really scary thing is Renfield when he goes crazy, but considering the movie's called Dracula, it's a bit of a shame the blood-sucking one isn't the scariest character. Still, if it wasn't for this movie, there'd have been no Hammer Horror Dracula movies, and Christopher Lee wouldn't have become famous. Which would have meant no showdown with Yoda in Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones. Poop!

Frankenstein

Yes, I'm well aware that Frankenstein is actually the name of the mad scientist, and that the monster is simply called The Monster. Now shut up, bitch! I know it's not supposed to be funny, but I found the bit when the monster throws a little girl in a river hilarious. She's showing him the apparent joy in throwing flowers onto the river, so they float. The monster throws a flower onto the river, and sure enough, it floats. Then he runs out of flowers. So he grabs the girl, and ZOOM! He throws her into the river and just wanders off. Fucking gem. I really like Frankenstein. He's such a sweetie! Apart from the whole death and destruction vibe he gives off. There are some good set pieces, particularly the climactic chase up a mountainside, and also when Dr. Frankenstein's assistant gets killed. So funny! It's saying something - although I've got no clue what exactly - that this movie was so good and so successful it spawned a sequel, The Bride Of Frankenstein. But because writing too much = a naughty, I'm going to shut up about that and tell you what I think of the sequel in a follow-up article. Praise be!

The Mummy

That picture above is probably the best representation of this movie I can come up with. There are a lot of close-ups of the mummy's spooky face. Scary! Well, no, not really. Some old mummy is brought back from the dead and goes in search of sexing some present-day woman who might have been the mummy's squeeze in a previous life. Exciting! It's probably one of the creepiest Universal Studios horror movies, but none of them will have you pooping your pants with fear. Which, if you've ever experienced my degree of incontinence, is a blessing. There are the usual random killings, although as was the trend with these movies, most of the murdering is done off-screen. I'm not saying I like seeing people get killed, but it's far less intimidating when the mummy kills someone out of sight. After all, the audience could be missing out on comedy gold. What if the mummy killed someone with a frying pan? We'd miss out! Universal Studios, you miserable fucks! This movie is just over an hour long, which is a trend shared by all the monster movies in this review. Anything that caters to my short attention span can't be all bad, so I rate this movie TWO THUMBS KIND OF UP.

Phantom Of The Opera

Now this is an odd one. It's part musical, part horror and part comedy. Which makes for a confusing mix. A policeman called Inspector Raoul and a baritone singer at the French Opera House - we'll call him Mr. Baritone - are vying for the affection of a lady singer. So is a disgruntled old violinist, who ends up getting fired from his job, killing someone and having acid thrown in his face. And so, freaked out, he decides to wreak havoc on the Opera House, killing people to try and get singing lady centre stage and make her a star. The killings are pretty random, and the scene where the chandelier drops on the audience (secrets revealed!) is genuinely suspenseful. So I guess I like this movie quite a lot. It's got Claude Rains in as the Phantom, and he's a good actor. Well, he was until he died. Another bonus about Phantom Of The Opera is that it also has the strangest ending of any Universal horror movie. Inspector Raoul and Mr. Baritone both get stood up by the singing woman, and so agree to go on a date with each other! Hello? "Oh, I do not get the girl, so I get the butt" I didn't realise it was this easy to pull guys.


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