The Shining
Review By: Rennie

Hello, here is my review of the Stanley Kubrick's 'horror classic' (I use this term loosely because I think the movie sucks ass) The Shining. I know what you're thinking, this came out eternities ago and I'm going to talk about it now. Fuck you.

I saw this oddly crafted piece of shit for the first time last summer, and I'm ashamed to admit that I was actually sufficiently creeped out to the point that I didn't sleep in my own bed and opted for the couch. So I'm a loser. It's okay, you don't know me! This is going somewhere, I promise. Give me a chance. The reason I found this to be such a scary bitch was that it incorporated three of the most horrifying cinematic elements ever devised into one annoying whore of a film:

1. Jack Nicholson
2. Ugly whacked-out deranged little shitty children
3. The weird, unbelievably hideous mom from Frankenweenie

That's right, this movie is a visual feast of the uglies. I think that may be why it's so revered (big word! Out of place!) in cinematic history as being so horrifying. Just look at the cast. They're utterly vile. This review is not talking about the movie at all, you whine and bitch. Shut your face, I'm getting to it right fucking now.

The plot is that this guy, played by scary fool Jack Nicholson, gets a job as the winter caretaker at this nasty old hotel where lots of people got rubbed out a long time ago. Well maybe not a long time, but before this movie takes place. You don't care and I forget. Anyway, he takes along his insanely freakishly ugly wife, played by Shelley Duvall, a.k.a. the mom from Frankenweenie and 40 time winner of the World's Ugliest Hag Award, and his schizophrenic, obviously disturbed son Tommy or Billy or Danny or Bobby or something along the lines of that. We'll call him Raoul for the remainder of this review since I can't decide which of those names was his.

The happy family of freaks putters along on their way to a fun-filled death.

So they get to the hotel, and they meet this old cook or janitor, or maybe he was both, I don't remember, but he's ugly too, plus his name is Scatman Crothers. Scat...man. Okay.

This befuddled looking ferb would be enough to make me hightail it out of the joint right quick, but the Nicholsons are obviously used to uglies, so they stay. Scatman explains to Raoul that they both have this ability that he calls the shining. It means that they can communicate with deadies and blah blah blah. Isn't that wondertastic? Scatster explains all this in a melodramatic style that made me think of an old Southern grandma type, like Mammy from Gone with the Wind, or Aunt Jemima. Needless to say, Raoul's reaction is this:

Pretty soon (actually not soon, this movie is slower than snot rolling uphill) all has pretty much gone to hell in the hotel, literally. Elevators spew blood, wicked Jack sees dead people (oh what a corny joke, stop now please) Raoul is either hallucinating (my guess) or being visited by very unattractive (imagine that) non-ghosts of non-Christmas pasts. This is where more beastly children (see reason #2 that this movie is horrifying) come in. Apparently, their lunatic father who was previously a hotel caretaker and went batty because he knew Shelley Duvall was coming murdered them (oh my, this paragraph has many parentheses, it is brilliant).

Here are the weasels as they appear when they try to convince Raoul to "come play with us forever":

Fat chance of that, after they appear to him like this:

Nice try, ladies, but your desperate cry for sympathy over your brutal murders only succeeded in scaring the hell out of the poor Mexican bastard. I lied. He's not Mexican, just obnoxious. While all this madness is taking place, Slack Jack has been trying to finish his shitty novel. Did I mention he was a writer spending the winter writing a novel? Well he is.

Eventually (and you WILL be waiting for centuries) Jackie O goes off the deep end and loses what little sanity his unsightly ass has retained over the years, what with John Edward for a son (haha! This movie came out in 1980! No one knew who John Edward was! I defy all time and reason!) a sniveling hellcat for a spouse, and those amusing eyebrows. I offer eyebrow evidence here:

See? They're downright mad.

Back in the land of the whacked crazies, this bitch has put in some appearances in a certain room that Raoul discovered whilst cruising on his ultra-stylish Big Wheel. How cool can this kid get?

At first, she appears to be a semi-normal looking, if not dead, naked lady in a bathtub. But an attractive person in this movie? It is, of course, too good to be true, as she morphs into THIS while chasing peeping-tom pervert Raoul out of her room:

Not a sexy image. This movie contains no sexy images. If you are looking for that, rent porn. Also, be very glad this contains no sexiness, because it also contains Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall and Scatchico.

Moving right along (unlike the actual movie) the inevitable Jack Attack (such a great name for rhyming) finally takes place. Yes! You think. This is what I have waited for all movie long. This movie must be famous for something, and we have already established that it's not for scariness, funny characters, or sexiness so it must be his glorious attack! Just you wait, Henry Higgins, nothing could turn this bitch into a fair lady.

   
Jack Attack begins! WEEEE dogs! (Or so you think, at the time)

The ugly whorenut is scared, and ugly. That basically sums up her entire performance in the film. Being scared and ugly is a surefire way to break into the movie business. Remember that.

I forget how Queen Hideous escapes the whole Here's Johnny scene (I'm not bothering to explain it, every site I've seen describes it as "infamous" so figure it out by your damn self) but I'm guessing it was somehow like this:

Or maybe not, but that picture is a classic capture of the scary monstrosity that she is. I do know that Raoul ends up outside in this dumbass hedge maze being chased by Mack Jack waving his ax around like it's a wooden leg. What a twat.

Raoul is finally saved by his bitchkins mother, who, if I recall correctly, loads her snotnosed beetlechild into some sort of tractor-like device, finally saves Raoul and they escape into the sunset as Jack freezes to death. The family that plays together...

Here is the Jacksicle. (The Jack jokes keep coming even after the rhymes are exhausted. Oh my.) Oh, and Scatman is dead by the way. He was axed by the Jack. One..last..rhyme..) In summary, this movie sucks more than a horny teenage boy on a drunk girl's tit. And that's a whole lot.


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