The Animal
Review By: Ross

Hello, hello and welcome to my first review. Today we will be taking a look at The Animal, quite possibly Rob Schneider's worst career move yet. Not because this movie is not funny, and not because it did badly at the box office. I will explain later. I'm going to be blunt and tell you that I really don't remember the plot too well, as I saw this three weeks ago and this movie's sheer stupidity has rotted that part of my memory. I think the popcorn was stale, though.

Basicallly it's about a guy (Marvin). And he wants to become a fat, donut-eating policeman. But as of right now he is a skinny, donut-eating police bitch (i.e. he does everything no one else wants to). He fails the police test thingy for the 7,000th time and remains a police bitch. He is degraded even further when a bunch of little kids beat him up and spay paint 'LOSER' on his shirt during a field trip to the police station. He eventually meets Colleen from Survivor (who is hot but can't act) in some way that I can't remember and falls in love with her.

One day, all the policemen are out playing baseball and he is in the station all alone, when a call comes (some kind of robbery). All the policemen's radios are off, so he decides to handle it himself. He jumps in his Ford PoS and speeds toward his destination. He eventually comes to a curvy mountain road and swerves to avoid a seal in a clown suit (yes, a seal in a clown suit). After about five minutes of him falling down a cliff in his car, he finally comes to a stop and is perfectly fine.

Then, as if the gods were pissed at him, his car falls down another seemingly endless series of precipices and a boulder falls on him. He goes unconscious, has a dream about animals operating on him, and wakes up perfectly fine next to his car.

So he goes back to the police station and everyone saying "MARVIN WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!*!^&@", but he thought he had only been gone for one day so he is very confused. Like I said, I don't really remember it too well but he meets Colleen again, and it turns out she works in an animal shelter (How convenient). That wields some slapstick laughs, such as him masticating a catfish (MASTICATING, as in chewing).

Then somehow he meets the professor who put him back together and they go to his lab and see all the animals in party hats. The Doctor explains everything and how Marvin needs to stay with him because he can't control himself, or something stupid along those lines that is supposed to pass for a plot.

So some stuff happens and then he becomes a super cop kind of person, only he's not Asian and doesn't do his own stunts. The way he becomes a good cop is one of the reasons this was a bad career move. He sniffs cocaine out of a guy's ass in the airport, and pulls it out with his bare hands. After that there's a bunch more stuff that just acts as fillers, such as the violating of an innocent mailbox and hitting on a female goat in heat. More wholesome family fun from the man you brought you Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo!

Then later it shows some blurry scenes of something panting and running through the woods killing stuff. Eventually everyone thinks it's him and they go try to kill him. He however has holed up in his garage and turned it into a beaver's nest. Then Colleen comes and she lets him get into her beaver's nest (Ha! Ha Ha! I'm so good). So then the mob comes and he leaves to go run into the woods or something. And they chase him and there's some mildly funny stuff. And cameos by Norm McDonald (funniest part of the whole damn movie) and Adam Sandler. Then we find out that the thing that was killing the people was really Colleen, so they have more sex and open an animal shelter together. The End.

I actually found this movie pretty funny. I think I'll leave that off my resume, but I'll say it here. Despite that, this entire thing could have had the same effect by showing the scene where he tries to get the goat to have sex with him repeatedly for an hour and a half. Not that I would enjoy it. No really, I wouldn't.


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