Silent Night, Deadly Night - Part 2
Review By: Joe

Merry Christmas, losers! Here is a fun story for you: I was supposed to write this review for Christmas Eve but I didn't because I'm goddamned lazy and Gringo had to use Ross' horse again as a fallback update. However, I then decided that Silent Night, Deadly Night - Part 2 was such a wonderous film that we simply had to get a review up for it as a Christmas treat to you morons who actually go online (and visit shitty sites like this, I might add) on Christmas Day instead of associating with your families and significant others. Fucking retards, you are! Now that I've berated you suitably, I will tell you that you are in for quite the happy present indeed as, with the power of "technology" (it's new and controversial), my tubby chum and I managed to make four insanely great video clips of the film for you kids at home to check out. It's all part of spreading the Christmas spirit! Also, syphillis. Oops! You are not supposed to know about that naughty secret! Well, just remember that if you or your friends get an STD from the internet in the future, this is where it all started, baby.

Incidentally, all the video clips in this review are .avi files and you need that there DivX codec to peep them, yo. If you ain't got DivX, you don't get to feel the joy the rest of us do SO GET ON DAT SHIT, DIGGY.


I also understand that it may be hard for you Mac users to view these clips but that's why you should be asking yourself why you got a Mac in the first place, ass. By the way, if you don't feel like reading all my blabbering and just want to get to the good stuff, I've highlighted where all the video clips are in caps as such: "VIDEO CLIP # !!!!!!!!!!!!!!" except with a number in place of that space. HOW NICE OF ME!! ON WITH THE REVIEW!

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Part 2 is a glorious film about a crazy man who kills people. Actually, it's much deeper than that with a dark story that delves into the psyche of a young boy who was raised in a strict catholic school after the killing of his parents by a man dressed in a Santa suit. No, I'm just kidding, it's just a stupid horror flick from the late 80's and a very bad one at that but, hey, at least it's funny. Let me tell you all about it, chillun! I am going to detail a lot of the plot for you like a Ross because so much of it is funny, by the way, so I am sorry for all the words. They are boring.

I actually saw this movie almost a year ago and only rented it again to get video clips from it. I didn't actually watch the whole film again and I don't really care to so I quite honestly don't even remember what the lead psycho guy's name is so I'm just going to call him Spliggens. Spliggens, got that? Spliggens. So, anyway, this movie starts out with Spliggens in jail, relating his story to a psychiatrist. Oddly enough, most of Spliggens' story is actually about his older brother. Somehow, Spliggens knows quite a few details about a lot of his brother's life even though he isn't present to witness them in the majority of the flashback scenes he discusses. Wacky!

Another wacky thing is that all these flashback scenes are actually scenes from the original Silent Night, Deadly Night and there are quite a lot of them indeed! In fact, there are so many of them that you basically get the gist of the entire first movie without seeing it and, although the Blockbuster I rented this film from also has the original one, I really don't see any point in ever renting it now. As it is, I'm pretty sure you get to see all the killings from the first film and, really, isn't that all that matters?

So, anyhoo, Spliggens (who, by the way, is played by one of the most hilarously bad actors I've ever seen in my life) begins to tell the wonderful tale of how, when he was a child on a car trip with his family, they spotted a man in a Santa Claus suit with his car broken down in the middle of the road. They pull over and the father jovially asks the man, "Need a ride, Santa Claus?" Santa then replies, "Oh no, not exactly," and proceeds to SHOOT THE FATHER DEAD. Although both kids get away, the violent Santa Claus also attempts to RAPE THE MOTHER but, when she slaps him, he decides instead to slit her throat with a razor. Indeed! What I simply love about this film is the fact that this event is never really explained. Apparently, there was just a crazy man in a Santa Claus suit out that evening who decided to rape and/or kill some mothers and fathers for NO REASON AT ALL. Anyway, this suitably fucks up both kids in the head.

Both children then for some reason get sent to an extremely strict catholic boarding school run by a real bitchy old woman named Mother Superior. Mother Superior likes to punish children and say things like "What you did was very, very naughty" and "Punishment is good." Yes, those are lines from the film. It is exceptionally well written, as you can see.

So basically, all sorts of crappy shit starts happening to Spliggens' brother. He gets into trouble for being depressed about his parents being dead and they tie him to his bed at one part for some odd reason I can't recall. At any rate, I will retell the events that are the funniest and provide you with amazing clips of some of them too! You love!

The first event is one in which Spliggens' brother sneaks out of his room and ventures into an unlocked room. Here he finds two people having sex. I don't know why people are having sex in a Catholic children's school and the movie never explains it so your guess is as good as mine. Anyhow, Mother Superior catches him watching and tells the people to stop having sex in so many words. She then decides that Spliggens' brother needs to be punished for watching the people have sex. Yes, that seems fair, you dusty vagina! Here is Spliggens' brother's punishment, spliced with Spliggens detailing his opinions on Mother Superior. VIDEO CLIP #1!!!!!!!!!!!!

The next crippling event to occur to Spliggens' brother involves the visiting of a fake Santa Claus to the school. The children are, as with most Santa Clauses, supposed to sit on his cock, I mean lap, and tell him what they want for Christmas. Spliggens' brother, however, does not want to do this, probably because his parents were raped and killed by a man in a Santa Claus suit, probably! Unfortunately for him, Mother Superior, is an overly huge bitch for no good reason who INSISTS that he sit on this stranger in a Santa suit. This is what happens (please note, THIS CLIP IS AWESOME): VIDEO CLIP #2!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flash forward to Spliggens' brother, now 18-years old, with a job (set up for him by Mother Superior, DAMN HER BLACK HEART!) being a Santa at a department store. Haha! What irony that is, huh!? What with his parents getting killed by someone and a Santa suit and all! What are the odds of that!? Boy howdy! Anyway, this silliness can lead to nothing but trouble and so it does! Spliggens' brother (who is now quite crazy indeed) ends up killing two of his fellow employees because he sees them having sex in the department store. This becomes a theme for him, killing people while they have sex. He also frequently tells these people that they are "naughty." This is really quite funny.

All in all, Spliggens' brother kills a bunch of people and then attempts to revisit his old school to kill off Mother Superior. Instead, he gets killed by the cops or something, I forget. Oh, he also cuts the head off of a snowman with an axe for no goddamned reason. It's funny though.

I don't really remember how the story progresses from here but let's just say that now that Spliggens' brother is dead, we finally get out of watching a bunch of clips from the first film and get to see the craziness that Spliggens himself is involved in. Spliggens is essentially as crazy as his brother was and ends up first killing some man by sticking an umbrella through him. This is funny. He also runs over a man with his own car several times after seeing him try to rape his girlfriend. The girl then tells him "thank you" even though she was no longer in any peril as the guy had long since given up on the rape idea. I guess she just likes revenge a lot! Fucked up bitch!

Spliggens' life then takes a crazy spiral turn as he meets a girl he likes. They do stuff like go to the movies and while they are there a man talks a bunch and interrupts the film. Spliggens proceeds to go over to this man and say "Shh...naughty" and then he kills him. This is really, really funny. We didn't make it into a clip, though, because we hate you.

Shortly after this, Spliggens finds his girlfriend cheating on him...or something so he kills the guy she's with and kills her too (in the middle of a street in a suburban area, mind you). Then a police man comes over to him and points a gun in his face and says "I know how to use this" so Spliggens turns the gun around and shoots the policeman in the face. He then takes the gun and does this: VIDEO CLIP #3!!!!!!!! and this: VIDEO CLIP #4!!!!!!!

The thing that's great about this film is that although the original idea was to have people in Santa Claus suits going around killing, they decide at this point in the film to do away with that formality and just have Spliggens walk around and shoot people. That's a fine screenplay indeed, if you ask me! This movie is fucking retarded!

The rest of the movie entails Spliggens getting out of jail after killing his psychiatrist, putting on a Santa suit (yes, we're back on track now), and going to find Mother Superior who is now FUCKING decrepid and has some disturbing purple growth on her face. Yes, that's all a natural part of getting old. First your bowels go and then you get a gross-ass purple growth on your face. I think he manages to cut the bitch's head off (although she puts up a hell of a fight for an old, decrepid whore with a purple growth on her face) but he dies too because some cops shoot him or something. It is very sad. Well, not really.

Anyway, this movie is bloody ridiculous and now that I've told you pretty much the whole plot and given you all the best parts in those four video clips, you don't have to rent it ever! Actually, there's still funny stuff in it so I wouldn't completely rule out renting this film. Sure, it fails terribly as a horror movie but it's laughably bad so you might want to check it out for some holiday cheer this season. Yay! On another note, I also saw that Silent Night, Deadly Night - Part 5 is at the same Blockbuster I rented this movie from. It's beyond me why they would make five of these stupid things but the back of the tape has a picture of some man with a gross bug coming out of his eye socket. It looks fake but still quite the icky so I don't think I will rent it because I pussy. I can't remember what I was getting at here. Uh...Merry Christmas to all, including the heathens who are celebrating all the wrong holidays! God (and Santa) loves you too! Naughty!

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