Review By: Gringo

Christmas time is here again! Rather than picking some obscure piece of crap for today's review, I thought I'd go with Scrooged, which is a decent movie a lot of people know about. This review is really exciting so far, isn't it? Bill Murray plays a smug, arrogant, self-serving television executive (such originality!) who hates Christmas. It's a modern take on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, in case you're an illiterate fuckwit who can't read or alternatively in case you've gone through the American education system. Because I can't be bothered to exert a great deal of effort right now, I'm going to write about the three ghosts (Christmas Past, Present and Future) that visit Murray's character and eventually teach him the true meaning of Christmas. Which, as everyone knows, is getting high ratings. Ho ho ho! I kid! Read on to find out what Christmas is all about! Alternatively, don't, and spare your eyes the suffering of having to see such an over-use of exclamation marks! See? To start with, Frank Cross (Murray) is visited by the zombie of his old boss, who does the obligatory "you'll be visited by three ghosts" warning. You understand? Yes? Let the ghosting commence!

The Ghost Of Christmas Past

Ooh, a surly New York City cab driver. Safe to know we're not dealing with stereotypes here then. Zing! You see what I did there? Sarcasm! He takes Frank to his childhood, reminding him of his angst-ridden father and how his obsession with television began (hint: he sat in front of it a lot). This ghost is one smelly character, with his unwashed appearance, huge cigars and general obnoxious attitude. I can't think of much more to write about him, other than the fact he's the first of the three ghosts and by the time he's disappeared, Frank doesn't really feel any more caring or loving or all those other things he's meant to be before the credits roll. There were probably some funny lines from the scenes with the Ghost of Christmas Past that I could have pasted here for all of you (well, all three of you) to laugh over. Instead, I felt like being lazy and just typing long sentences in a vague attempt to disguise the fact I've got nothing much more to write about this particular ghost. Oh well. With his magic taxi disappearing into the ghostly ether, Frank is left all alone. That is, until the arrival of the second of the three ghosts. Fun!

The Ghost Of Christmas Present

Following on from Mr. Surly ghost is easily the most irritating ghost to inflict itself on the human world since that fat moon-faced bastard Casper. The Ghost of Christmas Present appears as a squeaky-voiced, glittery fairy with the kind of mannerisms that would you want to cause severe harm after just a couple of minutes. Frank's present life is as follows - he is trying to get together with Karen Allen (the lady with big gums from Raiders Of The Lost Ark. I shall call her Mrs. Gums now), and his personal assistant has a son - I'll call him Silent Jimmy - who doesn't speak. Oh, and he treats his brother like shit. I didn't pay much attention in this section of the movie, mostly because I was trying to drown out the sound of the Ghost of Christmas Present's irritating voice. Such tolerance! After a bit of dancing and stuff, she thankfully goes on her merry way, ready to pester someone else, as Frank returns to the real world. But he's not a redeemed man yet. Oh no! He's not going to get to bed Mrs. Gums again before he's completely changed personality within less than two hours of screen time! Believability is the key to success!

The Ghost Of Christmas Future

Because Charles Dickens wrote about three ghosts, it means the movie isn't over yet! Oh no! It's time for the spooky-nasty ghost from the future to arrive and reveal how crap Frank's life is destined to be. Show me a ghost who's gentle and kind, and I'll show you a loser. Now show me a ghost whose internal organs are made up of gremlins and steaming guts, and I'll be impressed. Frank, by contrast, is scared when he sees the very tall, cloaked Ghost of Christmas Future arrive. He shows Frank the naughty future, which involves Silent Jimmy being in a loony hospital and Frank being dead. Naturally, Frank doesn't want this to happen and suddenly becomes a super-nice guy, even getting back together with Mrs. Gums. And, of course, Silent Jimmy finally speaks. The movie ends with Frank urging the cinema audience to join in singing a song (obviously) with him. I wonder how many yokels actually did start singing, and how many punches were given out for those who did? When I saw Home Alone 2: Lost In New York at the cinema, half the audience applauded when the credits rolled. I didn't, and I just thought the people that applauded were pricks. Merry Christmas!

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