The James Bond Movies - Part IV
Review By: Gringo

This is the final part of the four-part review of every James Bond movie...ever! Celebrate as there are only five short reviews left to read! Dance like a party dancer! Throw up in the bathroom! Get kicked out! Read now!

Licence To Kill. I've already reviewed this movie in a far-too lengthy, uh, review, so I'll just repeat myself here for the sake of convenience. Back then I wrote, "Unlike some of the gaudy entries to 007's list of adventures, Licence To Kill stands out for, quite simply, being different and relatively realistic. The makers of the series haven't really tried anything as interesting again, which is probably down to the movie's relatively low box office takings, especially compared against the more paint-by-numbers Brosnan explosion extravaganzas." And that still applies! In addition, here is something else I said about this movie! "This movie received one of the most severe ratings for a Bond movie - if not the worst; I would check, but I can't be bothered - due to the amount of violence, blood, sex and booze involved in it. And I think that might help to explain why I like it so much. Not because I'm an evil fiend, but because the added sense of realism helped bring Bond back into the realm of the quasi-believable." That also still applies! Cut and paste is a sneaky cheat's best friend. With that mini-review done, let's move on to the next movie, and the premiere of the fourth James Bond, Mr. Pierce Brosnan.

GoldenEye. And he steps right in to a winner with this movie. It's the best one Pierce Brosnan has made, and it was also (barring Licence To Kill) one of the greatest Bond movies of recent times. It has everything you'd expect: strange title sequence graphics, a gravelly voiced woman singing the theme tune (hello, Tina Turner!) and Russians getting shot. Judi Dench joins the cast as M, while Desmond Llewellyn still potters about as Q. Who cares if they updated the series and made it less sexist? That's the whole fucking point. There is lots of super-fun action in this movie, and in the end, the main bad guy gets an entire metal structure dropped on his face from a great height. If that's not a winner of a movie, I don't know what is. The only real irritating thing was the computer geek character played by Alan Cumming (snicker) who kept shouting, "I am invincible!" How I wanted to get a pencil and stab that clown in the eyes! But I didn't, and never will, because he's a movie character and therefore not real. GoldenEye rocks your pants like a barrel full of herpes! You just can't stop scratching!

Tomorrow Never Dies. If anyone was thinking the Bond series was onto a non-stop winning streak following the successes of Licence To Kill and GoldenEye, they were quickly kicked in the face by this movie. It's like the producers sat down (because all producers are tubby and must sit) and said: "UNF! The last one made a shitstack of money! We need more guns! Less brains!" And then the tubbies all slapped each other on the back and went to an overly expensive restaurant for an all-you-can-eat meal. Such fatty! It's not an awful movie, but it's the same bland Bond the series had become by the time of the later Roger Moore movies. Besides, the story revolves around a media mogul trying to start wars and take over the world's news. Such excitement! It didn't work for me, because the nearest realistic equivalent I could come up with would be Rupert Murdoch whupping him some ass. And that is an image I never want to think of again. Also, Teri Hatcher is in this movie as the media mogul's wife. She has sex with James Bond and then GETS DEATH. Teri Hatcher was also in the Superman television series, which was a nasty. That is all.

The World Is Not Enough. You greedy fuck! Why is the world not enough? What do you want? THE MOON? You can't have the moon! Who do you think you are, Neil Armstrong? No moon for you! This movie sees the return of Robbie Coltrane playing a fat Russian, who ends up saving James Bond's life. Oh no! Secrets revealed! I didn't really like The World Is Not Enough. The theme tune by Garbage is, for want of a far funnier joke, garbage. It drones on and on, setting the tone for this dreary by-the-book action fest. Denise Richards is in the movie as Christmas Jones, a nuclear scientist. Right. She also manages to succeed in being the worst Bond girl ever. Even worse than that woman who was shoved in a car boot (trunk for all you Americans out there) in The Man With The Golden Gun. Hey, at least that movie had midgets! What does this one have? Fat people and death. It seemed like the producers (that wacky band of misfits) had used up all the great ideas in the first Brosnan Bond movie and were now just churning out any old shit to keep the mindless masses happy. Thank you, misfits!

Die Another Day. Oh my, what can I say? Well, the word SHIT seems to come to mind, so I'll stick with that. The theme tune? A warbly techno-crap attempt by Madonna = SHIT. The plot? Diamonds and gene-replacement and bionic suits and satellites destroying the world = SHIT. The over-reliance on special effects such as Bond surfing across a tsunami = SHIT. The quality of those special effects = SHIT. The dialogue = SHIT. That is one stinky movie! My wallet was raped five fair English pounds in exchange for having to sit through this over-long, over-lame addition to the 007 series. Taking the downward spiral kicked off in style by The World Is Not Enough, this movie should serve as the perfect warning that the series is in danger of becoming everything Austin Powers made a joke of. There's even lines between Bond girl Jinx (Halle Berry) and 007 like "Ooh, stick it in again" and "It's quite tight" Hint: they're talking about putting a diamond in her navel. For fuck's sake, there's even an invisible car! Oh, and I fell asleep in the chase scene where the car really came into play. Hey, look on the bright side! This review is now over! Conclusion time follows, because that is what all people do with stuff that's far too wordy. Twenty movies, four parts, and just one good joke. What was that joke? YOU TELL ME.


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