The James Bond Movies - Part III
Review By: Gringo

This is the third part of a four-part review of every single James Bond movie. Do you care? Perhaps not! But I'm going to keep writing, anyway. In this update, you can learn all about Swedish midgets and bland 007 outings. If you want to.

Moonraker. AAAAH! Five more 007 movies to write about! What the hell am I going to put here? Perhaps more random abuse is the way. This movie is one of the worst James Bond movies...ever. It's the story of some bad guy named Drax, who has world domination plans that are reliant on getting his evil space station up and running. What this means is that Bond ends up flying to the space station, where he confronts Drax and saves the world. Again. Only problem is, the entire movie is a piece of shit. The jokes are just plain awful, and Jaws is brought back - but not as a menacing nemesis. This time he's an excuse for some lame humour, and in the end he saves Bond's life. Even though just one movie ago he was almost killed by 007, who dropped a pyramid on Jaws' head. Right. Just to add to the confusion, Jaws ends up staying on Drax's space station when it is exploding, but escapes with a Swedish midget. That's about the level of common sense you should expect watching what is possibly the worst - definitely one of the worst - Bond movies. It's a pile of crap, plain and simple.

For Your Eyes Only. The bad guy in this movie is played by Julian Glover, who was also the trouble-nasty Donavan in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. That movie was great. For Your Eyes Only (so much italics!) is not so great. It's not trashy shit like Moonraker, but it's not exactly an excellent production. It, much like the next two movies, is pretty much a generic snapshot of the Roger Moore 007 movies. They're good action movies, albeit with lashings (LASHINGS, I TELL YOU!) of cheesy, embarrassing humour, and some gaping plot holes. Plus, if this movie is for my eyes only, how come other people get to watch it? HO HO! Gringo, you is all with the joke-making today! Anyway, there are some good scenes in this movie, which has something to do with someone being evil. I am helpful as ever. There is a scene where Bond is dragged along by a boat. That was good. Then again, I thought Muppets From Space was good, so I guess you shouldn't follow my judgement. Roger Moore wasn't really showing his age yet, but the fact he seems to be sleepwalking the role (not literally, you dumb fuck!) adds a whole tired feeling to the series at this point.

Octopussy. And tired is exactly how I feel at this point. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be bothered to write something about every single Bond movie? No? Then get an idea, you thoughtless cunt! Where was I? Oh yes, Octopussy. The highlight of this movie for me has to be seeing Roger Moore dress up as a clown. A genuine circus clown, with red nose, floppy shoes and colourful outfit. Kind of sums up his tenure as Bond, really. I forget the plot of this movie, but seem to recall it had something to do with Faberge eggs. I haven't really mentioned the supporting characters in the series yet, so I will here. Q, as the gadgets man, was funny in most of his appearances, but the whole "wacky gadgets that kill" line got a bit tiresome after a while. M was good in a stiff upper lip British attitude kind of way. And that's it, really. I also find it amusing that in the picture just above this review, Bond's sidekick girl appears to be standing between his legs. Well, I thought it was funny. For all of two seconds. Uh...this movie is not so bad.

A View To A Kill. In which a crusty old man beats up Christopher Walken. Roger Moore was about 156 by the time he made this, his last movie as James Bond. The story revolves around Walken's character Max Zorin and his plan to destroy Silicon Valley. Such a naughty! Kung-fu kicking sidekick May Day assists him in this. Grace Jones plays May Day, and has quite possibly the stupidest haircut in the history of cinema. You see? It is only the toughest judging criteria for these reviews! There is a comic end scene where some old guy with a monocle gets blown up on board a blimp, and Walken's character falls to his death from the Golden Gate Bridge. But that's about it really. The only really memorable scenes are the ones with no brains, like a fire engine chase and a flooding mine. Also, people have weird laughs in this movie. Zorin laughs when he falls to his death. May Day laughs while she accompanies a ticking bomb to its exploding end. The only one who doesn't laugh is Bond's girl, who spends the entire movie SCREAMING LOUDLY. So annoying! Plus, she looks about 30, while Roger Moore, um, doesn't, to put it politely. Which makes the love scenes even grosser than normal.

The Living Daylights. This was the first of two movies starring Timothy Dalton as James Bond. I've already said on this site that I think Dalton was the best Bond, and if you disagree I will quite gladly organise for someone to come and slap you hard. Having said that, he didn't get given a good script until Licence To Kill, instead having to put up with a pretty dull story and crap dialogue for his first turn as 007. Just a shame he only made the two movies. The song for this movie was sung by A-Ha, a band that was famous in the 1980s. I can't stand all that retro shit. For that reason, I don't like this movie a great deal. Sure, it fits the middle-of-the-road action role that most of the 007 movies fall into, but if I wanted a straightforward action movie, I'd watch Ninja Academy. No, wait. That's a comedy. It has very little action in it. Fuck! My argument is falling to pieces! How can that be? It was going so well! That's enough to scare the living daylights out of anyone! Did you see what I did there? Correct, I told a very shit joke.


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