Listen To Me - The James Bond Movies - Part II

The James Bond Movies - Part II
Review By: Gringo

Here is part two of a review of all twenty Bond movies! This is an introduction! It has exclamation marks in it! It doesn't get any better than this! No, really! I'm not joking! Start reading! NOW!

On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Some people love this movie, others hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT. It's ugly, tacky, cheesy, headache-inducing, it's got George Lazenby in it, and it's one of the Bond movies I detest the most. You know why they only got Lazenby to do just one movie as 007? Because the one he did sucked so much! The plot is all about Blofeld (yawn) on a germ warfare bent this time, in a snowy location that prompts lots of ski and bobsleigh related fun activity. It might have been okay, a middle of the round Bond like You Only Live Twice, but instead it had to go and suck. Lazenby is just dull to watch. The only good thing about On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the fact that the Bond girl this time round (Diana Rigg, playing the only woman Bond ever marries) was born in the same town as me. I AM FAMOUS AT LAST! Sure, for those that hate the wink-eyebrow comedy of the Moore movies, it's straightforward enough. But it's just so very boring. Wait! I remembered a second good thing! Louis Armstrong sang the title theme, We Have All The Time In The World. And that's it. The rest sucked!

Diamonds Are Forever. Thankfully George Lazenby was put on a boat back to Australia to attend acting classes for the rest of his life, and Sean Connery came back for one last turn as James Bond. Quite how this fits in with his whole "I'm never playing Bond again!" belief around the time of You Only Live Twice is a bit strange, but never mind! This film, yet again a tale of Blofeld trying to take on the world (with diamond-powered laser beams attached to his head. Okay, maybe not to his head) is pretty good. It is memorable for the appearance of the evil Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. There was a big furore when this movie came out about the two henchmen being gay. Screw that! I'm more concerned about the fact they're super-nasty killers! Amusingly, one of them gets burnt to death and the other explodes at the end of the movie. And Sean Connery is at his most watchable out of all six of his Bond turns in Diamonds Are Forever. How do I know? I'm perfect and I know absolutely everything! That's how! Of course, the series was about to go completely over-the-top with its next lead actor, Mr. Eyebrow-Raising Wacky himself, Roger Moore.

Live And Let Die. And the clowns came in one by one! This was Mr. Moore's first turn as bond, and it's notable for two things. Firstly, the theme tune, which is a win-matrix of zooptastic proportions. Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Secondly, it has the FATTEST BAD GUY IN ANY BOND MOVIE EVER. I don't remember the character's name, but there's this huge, silent fat bastard whose sole job in this movie is to sit on a couch which gets exploded! I quite liked Live And Let Die, and thought the whole wacky voodoo nonsense was quite entertaining. Besides, it's not every Bond movie where a spirit nasty (Baron Samedi) can get half his head shot off and then returns to sit on a train at the end and laugh. Laugh like a cunty! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Still, the whole thing has a pretty ugly seventies look to it. Also, I remember the girl in this movie had big breasts. Also! Flashbacks ahoy! There is a scene where Bond sits at some booth table, orders a drink and then ZOOP! He goes spinning round into a secret room of naughty! It's always funny to see Roger Moore look confused, and this movie did not disappoint. THAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

The Man With The Golden Gun. This movie has the most ridiculous theme song of all the Bond movies, I think. Lulu , who is famous for not much, sings about a man with a golden gun "who'll shoot anyone." Well, duh. Still, it's pretty entertaining, and Christopher Lee is good as evil hitman (because there are so many nice hitmen out there, I had to make that clear) Scaramanga. Although there is some wacky plot point about him having a third nipple. Freaky! The plot revolves around some more eventual world domination, with Scaramanga trying to develop a laser to destroy stuff. So original! It still looks dated, but on the positive side, there is a brief fight between Bond and two sumo wrestlers, which is comedy gold. There's also an appearance by loudmouth Louisiana sheriff J W Pepper, whose entire point in this movie seems to be to call Asians "pointy-heads". Such clever script writing! Plus, a midget gets shoved in a suitcase at the end of the movie. Abusing small people always wins! At least in the world of 007 it does. It's just a shame that same midget had to go shoot himself in the head for real a few years later.

The Spy Who Loved Me. Quite possibly the best Bond movie...ever! And no, don't worry, I'm not about to write a Five Worst James Bond Movies...Ever! article. There is plenty of other sucky topics left to cover on that score. And it gets worse! Mack Salmon has done some worst...ever! lists too! The suck continues! So does the over-use of exclamation marks! Anyway, this movie - all about Russians and other wacky stuff - is set for a large part in Egypt. This leads to some really good scenes, especially around the pyramids, where we get the first sighting of bad guy Jaws. He's actually menacing in this movie, unlike Moonraker, where he became a running joke. The Spy Who Loved Me is also a lot less slapstick than the first two Roger Moore movies, which is good, because slapstick is for clowns. And if clowns have taught us anything, it's that they're no good monsters. This movie also has a good theme tune, and as we all know, it's only the music that counts. SCREW THE MOVIE! Sadly, the rest of the Moore movies would never reach the quality level of this 007 outing, and instead indulged his wink-wink sense of humour. Because that's what we need! A funny spy! NO.


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