The James Bond Movies - Part I
Review By: Gringo

DUM-DE-DUM-DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM-DE-DUM, DE-DUM, DE-DO-DOO! Recognize the theme? No? Then go fuck yourself! Here's the deal, Jimmy. Pretty soon, there's going to be a new James Bond movie out. Die Another Day will star Pierce Brosnan once again as 007, the spy who sleeps around but never gets crabs, herpes or any other sexually transmitted diseases. He's also the same spy who hasn't aged in more than 30 years. Wacky! Anyway, because the 20th bond movie could potentially suck a lot (Madonna both sings the title song and allegedly has a cameo role), I thought it would be a good idea to review every single licensed Bond movie there has ever been. I'm doing this in order (a) to fill space and (b) there is no second reason! Because 200-plus words about each Bond movie could make for one very long piece of reading, I'm breaking it up into four parts. That's right! A four-part explosion of suck! And the magic special naughty win is that the fourth part will end with a mini-review of Die Another Day Forward planning at last! Now, let me check my joke book is ready to go: CUNTY! Okay! It is! Time for the first five movies!

Dr. No. This part of the four-part funfest will be focused on Sean Connery. Why? Because he made more than five James Bond movies, and there's only five in this section, you stupid ass! Stop asking questions! The success of Dr. No was responsible for the ongoing phenomenon that has been the 007 series. Whether that's a good or bad thing is up to you. Think for yourself for once, you damn leech! Anyway, onto the movie. I don't really think Sean Connery's the best person to have played James Bond. Sure, you can argue he's the first, and that's what everyone should judge his followers by. But that's like saying Saddam Hussein isn't more evil-nasty than Hitler because the German crackpot fuckhead just happened to be born several years earlier. Not that I'm comparing Sean Connery to Hitler. Whoops! This movie shares the trend of all the Connery movies in looking very dated. I know that's pretty obvious given it was made quite some time ago, but still, it just isn't as accessible as the later Bond movies. Put it down to my short attention span if you want. Or stop being such a pompous clown and just accept the fact I didn't think Dr. No was particularly great.

From Russia With Love. Stupid Cold War thrillers! This movie is all about Bond's quest to get a highly sensitive decoding machine in Istanbul. Exciting! It's good in a not-too-wacky kind of way. Even the gadgets are fairly believable, unlike later bizarre creations Q would foist off on 007. I don't like this one as much as I like Goldfinger (that's reviewed next, you impatient clown), but it's still a good Bond movie, and in that sense, a great Sean Connery Bond movie. Maybe it's just the whole dated look. Some people might say that gives the movie character. Well, let them say that. I say it looks stupid. So there. Hey, this review just gets more and more mature. It's a bad sign that it's already got down to this level and there's still another 18 movies left to write about. You can leave now if you want, I won't be angry. OR WILL I? From Russia With Love is a very good action thriller. It's a good Bond movie. It's not a good comedy. But if you pick it up expecting a comedy, you're just a dense idiot and deserve to suffer. Oh, and the theme tune's not really up to much, either.

Goldfinger. Although I'm not a big fan of the early 007 movies, I have to admit this one is quite good. I'm not saying that in the kind of way people normally say movies are good when they make 'best movie ever' lists. You know the kind, even though they've not seen a movie, if it's on the AFI's 100 Greatest Movies list, they suddenly say "OOBY! I HAVE SEEN THIS MASTERPIECE! IT IS REMINISCENT OF SOME POOP!" I have seen Goldfinger. Twice in fact, which is good going for me considering it's a Bond movie that doesn't have Timothy Dalton in it. Anyway, the script is good and there are several memorable set pieces. The theme tune's okay, if a bit over-done by Shirley Bassey. The plot is all about a raid on Fort Knox by fat German bad guy Auric Goldfinger, but all anyone ever remembers from this movie is his henchman Oddjob, who kills people with his bowler hat. At the end of the movie, the fat German tubby evil man gets sucked out of an airplane. That's what you get for being overweight! Shame that the next few movies in the series didn't compare in the slightest.

Thunderball. The name of this movie sounds like some crappy statewide lottery. For that reason, I have decided the fourth 007 adventure sucks ass. Tom Jones sings this movie's theme tune, and it's one of the worst of the entire series. He sings about a man (the magical Thunderball, I do believe), whose "needs are more so he gives less." Mr. Jones also warbles out the fact that "any woman he wants, he gets. He will break any heart without regret." I might be analyzing the lyrics too closely, but to me, this Mr. Thunderball sounds like a right royal cunt. And that's an insult Joe described me with in another, non-Bond-related article on this site, so this movie has to be bad. The plot's all about the world being held hostage by two hijacked atom bombs. Perhaps the only nice thing about Thunderball is that the movie's shot largely in the Bahamas, which makes for some nice scenery. I don't really like any of the Sean Connery Bond movies, but if I had to choose one I hated the most, it'd probably have to be this one. It's bad! I don't like it! Get the idea? No? What are you, stupid?

You Only Live Twice. Heed the movie's warning! The secrets are in the title! Twice is all! Damn, am I sick of exclamation marks. They are just too easy to use! Agh! The temptation! IT IS TOO MUCH, PAPA, TOO MUCH! A large part of this movie is set in Japan. Bond was up against Blofeld again. Like that wasn't becoming a contrived, repetitive idea. The theme tune, sung by Nancy Sinatra, was one of the better ones of this era. Well, anything that wasn't the theme to Thunderball would have sounded glorious at the time of this movie's release. Anyway, You Only Live Twice was notable because at the time Sean Connery said he'd had enough of playing 007 and that this movie would be his last. Fat chance! That's why you made Diamonds Are Forever a few years later is it, Sean? Ooh! Those trouble-nasty promise breakers! They make me so mad! I cannot continue, I must take a break. That is where I'll leave the Bond reviews until part two. When the steam has stopped shooting out of my ears like some comic cartoon creation (alliteration is fun yet again) I will continue this pointless diatribe about all twenty 007 movies. Until then, party on! Or don't.


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