The Bourne Identity
Review By: Dan the Angry Conservative

I have not seen this movie. And I never will, because it has a cliched plot that I hate. It is about a CIA agent with amnesia. What's the matter, Hollywood, can't think of anything clever? There are a lot of these kinds of movies, a spy who gets screwed by the system and then has to go it alone (or with a love interest) to clear his name or find the real killer or in the case of The X Files Movie, make a mockery of a perfectly good tv show.

The trailers for this movie are really bad. I haven't really read any reviews, nor talked to my buddy Matt Damon, so I don't have much to say about this movie, other than Matt Damon sucks. He stunk up Dogma. He took a perfectly good character and sucked it up with his suckiness. He also does the voice in "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron," which is another movie that I haven't seen, but am sure isn't good. It's about a horse that befriends a human and "finds true love" with a mare. I remember the first time I found true love with a mare. That is probably why I have never befriended any humans.

This movie is an obvious combination of The Fugitive and Mission: Impossible. Except Harrison Ford and Tom Cruise are both way better than Matt Damon, who will never be a good action hero. Except if "action" means gay porn with Ben Affleck.

Tony Gilroy wrote the screenplay for The Bourne Identity. He also wrote Devil's Advocate, which was the most boring movie about the devil that you could possibly imagine. What the fuck is Al Pacino doing opposite Keanu Reeves? But even Keanu Reeves can act better than Matt Damon. People seem to think Keanu Reeves is not bright just because he was in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. But has no one noticed that that movie ruled? The funniest parts were when Napoleon would wander around like the blubbering French fuck that he is.

The Internet Movie said that "When [Matt Damon's] baby nephew cries he sings "Afternoon Delight" for him." Afternoon Delight, in case you aren't aware, is about fucking on your lunch break.

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