Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Review By: Joe

Tomb Raider, the game, sucks. It is terrible. It is like going to a Shitfest (August 15th through 18th) in Doodyville (this is the most mature thing I've written ever!). Even so, it does exceptionally well with the public because apparently people really like large, rectangle-shaped breasts. Hell, it did so well they made five of the damned things and they were all exactly the same! So, it was only a matter of time (uh...I guess) until a movie based on the game was made. AND THE FUTURE IS HERE! The movie is NOW!!!!! Anyway, here's a review.

Now I went to this sucker really expecting to pretty much dislike it, considering the game sucks and all. I was actually going so I'd be able to make fun of it later (and I was mildly curious too). Unfortunately, it's a decent enough action movie. I think it achieves this by not being at all like the game. It really is nothing like the game. I don't know why they didn't just make a movie about a chick who has adventures that are way under the caliber of Indiana Jones (oh right, the money!). I thought at the beginning it might be like the game because all Lara did was grunt (whilst fighting, not randomly) for a good five minutes. However, the similarities ended shortly after.

At any rate, Angelina Jolie plays Lara Croft (she is the chick in the game, by the way, yes). I read all this crap about Simon West (the director man) and crew saying "OH SHITS, DAWG, SHE IS LARA CROFT LIKE EXACTLY, MAN!". How so? All she had to do was jump around and make grunting noises and stuff. She hadn't even played the game yet (understandable). Jesus, I use parenthesis way too often. Anyway, I'm just saying I don't think it was the type of job that needed great acting. Flexibility, yes. Acting ability, no.

So essentially the story is about some artifact that lets you time travel or something. There's this cult that wants the artifact so they can, I dunno, rule the world or something. Now, you'd think they'd know that wasn't cool, but get this: they think they're right! Ha! Lara Croft will kick your ass! So, Lara more or less goes around the world picking stuff up (I really don't remember the plot too well but I don't think it was very important). At the same time, that smelly cult (ooh I hate them I hate them!) is trying to get the stuff too. Oh no! Lara is better than them but not too better so she gets some stuff but they get other stuff and both of them need all the stuff. She is planning to destroy the stuff while they want to use it to...I dunno...time thingy.

Anyway, the plot is fluff. The main thing here is that we get to see some nifty action sequences. They are decent for the most part. The rest of the movie is stupid, I guess. I think I had more stuff to say before I started to write this but now I don't. I think because the movie was mostly just a bunch of action sequences and I saw it two weeks ago so they just became a blur. Oh, yeah, there's a shower scene. That was pretty silly to sit through. I might also add that there are far too many close-ups of Ms. Jolie's face. She has crackhead eyes so it makes her look less hot. They should have kept the camera further away or just stuck with the crotch shots (not that they didn't use those to quite an extent). Also there's this dumb part at the end where Lara and the bad guy run up some pyramid. It was stupid.

See this if you want a fun little action flick. At least it's better than that Mummy Returns bullshit and it's nothing like the game. If it was like the game, Lara would bump into walls all the time and die every five seconds. And it would look like total shit and they'd make five of them that were exactly the same (hmm, they are doing a sequel). Anyway, you can go see it or you could just rent it. You won't be missing much by doing that. I eat food. I found this bump on the back of my head a little while ago but I think it was just my skull. I need whiskey.


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