Scooby-Doo
Review By: Gringo

I'd been hoping Scooby-Doo would be entertaining, just like I hope Dan won't send me any more reviews. And keeping with my low expectations, just like Dan's reviews, it's not shockingly bad, but there's more than enough wrong with it. I STILL BELIEVE IN A PLACE CALLED HOPE.

The first thing wrong with this movie is the theme tune. Remember the cartoon series? It had a great theme tune, lots of jangly effects and zoopy sound things I can't think what to call. But the movie unzips its pants and does a great big poop over that theme, replacing it with an "in" R&B/dance/reggae/utter shit version. To the singer of the song: when you ask "Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are you?" I'm going to say FUCK YOU, CUNTY! SING A DECENT VERSION, MAYBE I WILL SHARE THE SECRETS!

Part of the reason I didn't really like the movie was because of Freddie Prinze Jnr. Sure, he's an easy target, but when you've got an actor whose emotional range consists of (a) retarded simpleton who's had his face punched and (b) retarded simpleton who's soiled himself, it's impossible to resist making fun. Not that being retarded is funny, just the fact that Freddie Prinze Jnr. looks retarded is funny. Oh fuck it, I'm going to Hell already for this paragraph, so I'll continue. He's about as watchable in this movie as someone with Downs Syndrome trying to walk and chew gun at the same time - minus the uncontrollable slapping of his own face. I AM SORRY, JIMMY.

He also dances in this movie. Any movie that includes Freddie Prinze Jnr. dancing is a nasty. You should know this by now. Once upon a time, a little boy called Gringo wandered into a cinema and watched a movie called She's All That. It was the only thing on, I swear. Anyway, that movie included Mr. Prinze dancing and getting jiggy with himself all over the place. AND IT WAS BAD. You see the conclusion? Dance + Prinze = BAD. Dance + Prinze + Scooby-Doo = SUPER BAD!

The computer graphics that are used for Scooby-Doo and the zombie monsters in the movie are also bad. Scooby-Doo looks very fake. I mean, come on people! How fucking difficult is it to create a talking dog that can walk upright for more than ten seconds? It's not like you don't see them every day. You useless Hollywood clowncunts! Talking dog! Make is an easy! CG is a sloppy! If you don't believe me, come round to my house and meet my talking dog. I dare you! WRITING THE LAST SENTENCE OF EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH CAPS LOCK ON = PRICELESS.

Time to hate the music again! For no reason, the song Pass The Dutchie is played quite early on. I hate that song and I hate the hats of the people who sang it. If you'd seen the music video, you'd hate their hats too. The really bad version of the Scooby-Doo theme tune returns at the end of the movie, too. Also, the ending of the movie is no good. Add another poop to the list!

There is a plot about zombies (ssh, I already mentioned them...organisation is a super no) and a place called Spooky Island but - OMG SPOILERS - all you need to know is that a guy called Emile Mondavarious (owner of the theme park island) was kidnapped, replaced by an evil robot and now a group of bad people are trying to open a can of necrophilia and brain-eating on the world. It's the taste that can't be beat!

There are three very good things about Scooby-Doo. I shall list them now because I want to. Number the first! I think Matthew Lillard is an annoying prick and in this movie he gets kicked in the face. The second fun fact! Freddie Prinze Jnr. gets punched in the face. Thirdly! Scrappy-Doo gets beaten up. So much potential...sadly, it's all at the hands of more crappy CG, so the effect isn't as pleasing as, say, running up to these people in the street and beating them about the face with a crowbar.

The girl playing Velma in this movie says "let's get jinky with it" at one point. DEATH SOONLY.

I'm also getting a bit fucking sick of mid-air twirly fight scenes like The Matrix. The people in that movie looked like cunties doing it then, the people in every movie since that includes similar fight scenes as if to say "H TO THE IZZO KICK YO BOOTEH" look like cunties now. There are several in this movie, mostly involving the character of Daphne kicking people in the face. They also suck.

Towards the end of the movie, Shaggy ominously tells a bad guy that "nobody absorbs my best pal." With a cinematic semen stain like this movie, it's quite possibly the most accurate line I heard.


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