The Five Greatest Movies...Ever!
Review By: Gringo

Did you see what I did with the title? I ripped off the Five Worst...Ever! thing I've being doing for various things (Presidents and cartoon characters so far) in the Stuff section and made it into something similar but different! Such magic! Anyway, if you haven't noticed, Tanner over at Invisible Summer is asking people to send in their five choices for the greatest movies of all time. You can do this task by clicking right about here or here. Or even here. It doesn't really make any difference except (a) increase the word count to help pad out this paragraph and (b) mean even more stuff gets underlined! Celebration! Now, although I've managed to pick five movies to send to Tanner (in list version, not in DVD or VHS version, you wacky cunts), they're not really my choices for the five greatest movies...ever! See, part of the problem with suffering schizophrenia and bed-wetting is the fact that in about a week my choices will probably have changed. Still, that's life. Tanner also asked people to explain his choices. Well, rather than inflict my bad humor on just one person via email, I'm doing it to three people (THE JOKE NEVER...GETS...OLD) via this site! On with my choices!

5. 12 Angry Men

They are men! There are twelve of them! They sure are angry! This is a truly great movie. Anyone who can take jury duty and make it interesting and suspenseful deserves rewarding. Essentially an hour or so of, uh, twelve men sitting in a room and arguing about a young boy's innocence or guilt in the murder of his father, it's really rather good. It also features Jack Klugman back when he was a good actor. You know, the days before Quincy M.D. Ross informs me that the guy who did the voice of Piglet (that fat bear Winnie the Pooh's friend) is in the movie. I think he might be lying, but then you can never trust someone from North Carolina called Ross. Especially if they live in a trailer, just like Ross. They remade this movie in the 1990s with a cast including Jack Lemmon. I never saw the remake. Pointless information count: ONE TO GRINGO. However, Jack Lemmon was funny - and a little bit disturbingly hot - dressed up as a woman in Some Like It Hot. No, I kid. It wasn't disturbing at all. Mr. Lemmon wasn't in the original 12 Angry Men, but the movie is still going on my list because it's very good. In fact...it's GUILTY of being great. HAHAHAHAHA!

4. Ninja Academy

Okay, so Tanner said not to send him any "joke submissions." But how can I resist writing in Ninja Academy? Besides, I really do enjoy watching this movie. And enjoyment is one of the criteria set out for the Top 50 list. My interest in the story of a bunch of halfwits who enroll at a training academy for ninjas is well documented on this fine website. It started with a review of the movie and continued with another review, this time of the movie's soundtrack. Ever since then, I've been itching to write something else about it. I tried to persuade Ross (hello! I am Gringo's five-movie article! I am a Ross-filled zone!) to make a Ninja Academy quiz but he's too lazy. Maybe one day! Back to the movie! It plays like a Police Academy but without Steve Guttenburg (bonus) and with 250% more laughs (also a bonus). Admittedly those laughs come at the expense of someone being urinated on and someone saying "chicken-shit faggot" after beating a guy up with a big stick, but so what? Not many people have seen the movie, which makes me feel special. I like to feel special. I also like to feel my special places. For that reason, Ninja Academy is being included.

3. Moulin Rouge

A greatest movies...ever! list wouldn't be complete without a pseudo-arty fucknut movie included somewhere. Oh, sure, it might not be liked by a great number of people. And I'm confident there's people out there who think it's beneath them to watch something which is essentially a stage musical with better production values. But they're the same sort of people who think movies in foreign languages like French and Canadian are the most intellectual sweet-treats ever just because they're not in English. Well, to those pompous fuckwits, I say enjoy squinting at the subtitles. Keep on living in your stuck-up buttclown world, but I'll stand up and say I like Moulin Rouge. There's a great soundtrack, funny characters, interesting plot and all the other boring reviewing categories that make a great movie. It might not be the smartest musical around, but then George W. Bush isn't the smartest president around. And since when have musicals ever been true brainmeat fests? As for the people who are too thick too even concentrate on this movie for more than five minutes, OH THAT'S SO TYPICAL! YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND INTELLETCUAL THINGS! YOU CAN'T APPRECIATE IT ON AS MANY LEVELS AS I DO! JE SUIS SMART.

2. North By Northwest

TRUE STORY! Alfred Hitchcock walked into a movie studio one day and said "HMM! WHY SO HOT? I AM TUBBY AND SWEAT IN HEAT! SO HOT!" to which the movie executives replied "Okay! Make us a movie and get a Popsicle!". And so North By Northwest came to be. Every time Hitchcock sat down and said "UNF! UNF! TOO MUCH EFFORT FOR THE CHINS!" the executives would wave the iced treat in his face, enticing him to make just one more shot in the hope of being rewarded with food. THIS TRUE STORY IS OVER! It would be funny if I said the real reason I'm including this movie is because I couldn't think of a number two (snicker) and it was suggested by someone else. But the funny? On this site? HAHA! Boy, you sure is one wacky dropkick! Time for incisive criticism! This movie is very good. Time is up! If you disagree with me, then you are as fat as Alfred Hitchcock was when alive. Most confusing sentence...ever! North By Northwest is one of the tubby man's best movies. I am impatient to end this article, so I won't elaborate any more than that. THE MYSTERY CONTINUES!

1. Casablanca

Originality sucks! I know a lot of tubby people choose Casablanca as their favorite movie of all time. Just like a lot of people pick Citizen Kane. But it's a safe bet 50% of them haven't seen either. I've seen both. Pointless information count: TWO TO GRINGO. And whilst Orson Welles' story about a fat man eating fat foods is excellent, I prefer Casablanca. Screw you, Orson! Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman are great as the lovers who meet up again in Morocco during the Second World War. But that is not the important part! There is a fat man in this movie. Fat makes you crazy. ME LLAMO SENOR FATBUTT! Even though my four other choices for best movie ever might (and probably will) change soon, I've always chosen Casablanca as my number one favourite movie of all time. It's a cliché to say it, but this movie really does have everything: suspense, romance, comedy, drama, Nazis, guns, planes, drunken people, poop on a stick, Ross (mention #102,867 of Ross in this article), great dialogue, gambling and several scenes that have been parodied or copied in quite a lot of movies and television shows. What does a list like that tell you? Yes, I'm trying to fill out the paragraph without writing anything remotely incisive! Did I succeed? YOU TELL ME.


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