More Life After Walt
Review By: Gringo

Originality sucks! By the time you read this, some of the people writing for this site will already have made - or be making - rehashed articles by the bucket-load. THE BUCKET! JIMMY, GET IN THE BUCKET! I'll leave you guessing which ones, because I'm a nasty poophead like that, and instead get on with writing a sub-par follow-up to a piece of writing I did a long time ago. Well, a couple of months. Anyway, it was a lame attempt to infer sexual deviancy and other immoral behaviour from the characters and plots of some of Disney's animated features. It was called Life After Walt because I focused on the cartoon movies made after Mr. Disney's demise. This is the unwelcome sequel of sorts to that review. Now, whilst I'm including Disney movies in this review which were released during Walt Disney's lifetime, I can still get away with calling it 'Life After Walt' - albeit with the 'more' bit stuck on - because I'm watching the movies in the year 2001, with Mr. Disney no longer alive. Tenuous links? In a Listen To Me review? Never! Besides, calling it 'More Life After Walt' means that I don't have to come up with an original title and I can make it look as if things on this site are planned well in advance. On with the insanity!

The Jungle Book. I openly cried when Mowgli left the jungle. But that was because someone had just kicked me in my funbag. Oh, I'm such a joker. A big fat monkey with delusions of grandeur forces himself on the travelling boy-and-bear freak show, calling himself King Louie. Showing that he has the fickle personality of a Boy Meets World character, Louie decides that sounding a little bit like Louis Armstong on a bad day isn't enough. No! He wants to be just like Mowgli. Maybe then his grand schemes to rule the world with a monkey monarchy could come to fruition faster with human help. Alliteration is fun. Louie proudly boasts that he's the king of the swingers. Now, he means one of three things. Firstly, he might mean his ape-like tree swinging is the best in the jungle. You winner, Louie! Secondly, he might mean he was in the cast for the movie Swingers. Whilst Vince Vaughn and King Louie share a classic monkey look, I don't think that's what he meant. Finally, he could have been saying he really is a swinger - in the loose sexuality morality sense. Which would have meant a whole lot of jungle-jiggy going on. You dirty ape!

If you ever read my first Disney review (which was a way for me to loosely review four Disney movies without having write separate pages for each one, and which I've already mentioned briefly at the start of this review), then you'll be aware that I discovered several common disturbing trends in the four cartoon features I mentioned. Longest sentence ever! Anyway, subversive sexuality was one of the themes mentioned, and if King Louie is anything to go by, The Jungle Book has it in spades. Spades, I tell you! The other notable feature of this movie is the song Bare Necessities. This is sung by Baloo, who is simply the bear world equivalent of Homer Simpson, who in turn is the cartoon world equivalent of a fat, stupid man. Apparently, if you've got these bare necessities (which Baloo seems to list as honey, ants and plants) then nothing can go wrong. Thank you, Baloo! I'm sure when Mowgli grew up and was living on the streets he was clutching a plant smeared in honey and saying, "Bless you, Mr. Bear! I got all the necessities I need!". This movie also had an animal in it with a posh English accent. Win-win!

101 Dalmatians. The focus of booing and hissing in this movie is Cruella De Vil, who we all know is scum because she wants to skin some dalamtians - 101 of them, nonetheless! - to make a spotted coat. Wouldn't it have been far easier to just buy a white fur coat and put big black blobs of paint on it? Obviously that thought didn't enter the pasty-faced anemic-cackle-voice beast's mind, because she proceeds to walk around smoking constantly - she must be bad! - talking in an upper class British voice that nobody in the United Kingdom sounds like. Ever. But forget that; it's a way of showing the audience that yes, the English are scum. As if 1776 wasn't a potent enough reminder, Disney seems to reinforce the image with every single movie they produce. Didn't quite catch that? The English are still BAD SCUM. The English. Bad. Scum. Or so say Mickey and his cohorts. That wily mouse! I'll show him - him and his cryogenically frozen creator! No, wait, that's just an urban legend. This movie continues the theme of bumbling sidekicks you'd love to smack in the mouth. Cruella ends up with two bungling criminals on her quest to make a puppy coat. They get punched a lot and at one point eat some sandwiches. Cruella ends up in a ditch. THE MOVIE ENDS!

Thankfully, 101 Dalmatians is perhaps one of the tamest Disney movies in terms of bizarre themes. That English-so-they-must-be-bad thing always bugs me (not least because I'm British) but also because we lost the War of Independence. Damn you! The Redcoats will return! Well, okay, they won't. There's no real subversive sexuality in this tale of dognapping and a cackle-voiced woman's quest for a nice spotty coat. Unless you count the whole animals humping and making little dalmatians angle, but then you'd have to be really screwed in the head to be focusing on that. Or you might just like bestiality. And no, there's no bestiality in this movie. More's the pity! I joke again! It is a shame the jokes are never funny! But the lazy reliance on the two mentioned Disney trends - namely bumbling sidekicks and the bad guy being a stiff upper-lip English person - means that this movie deserves at the very least an honourable mention. Yes, I write honour with a 'u'! Unlike honor, which you wacky Americans are fond of using. I will never give in to your grammatical pressure! Anyway, I like 101 Dalmatians, although I didn't care much for the live-action version or its sequel. You care...not at all.

Dumbo. There's a place called Kokomo, and that's where I want to go. Dumbo, however, lives on a circus. Not Kokomo. A circus, you hear?! That is quite possibly the most fantastic way of life ever, volume three, in the world, etc. You could spend your whole life living amongst freakish, unbelievable sideshow attractions like the Bearded Lady, the Penguin Man, the Ross Who Writes Funny Reviews and the Dan Who Doesn't Mention Hitler. If you got bored, you could sit in the audience of the regular clown shows - or even become a clown! Yes, you could daub your face in paint and drive your own car with exploding doors! Life is beautiful! Why I am I telling you this? Because Dumbo, the elephant with the super-large ears, gets to live this life. But the other circus animals think Dumbo's a freak (what with him having ears the size of his face) so they beat up him up and gang-rape him when he's subdued. This means poor Dumbo is disillusioned about life in general. Okay, they don't really beat him up. Such funny! Anyway, this movie shows how nasty Disney movies can be, reveling in the idea of bullying. Dumbo eventually manages to become popular because he can use his ears to fly and do some other stuff I don't remember right now.

This means the very thing he's been bullied about mercilessly - his ears - remains with him, pointed out every day as the only thing other people will like him for. Way to confuse the little elephant, you cruel bastards! This led to me realising another Disney trend that I haven't written about before. So far I had (1) annoying sidekicks, (2) the bad guy being British, (3) subversive sexuality, (4) bursting into song for no apparent reason (which isn't as evident in this article's selection of movies) and (5) ridiculous accents. My main focus for number five being the crab Sebastian in The Little Mermaid, which I'm still tempted to write a full-length review about, simply because of the insane amount of stupidity going on in that one movie. HAPPY TIMES AHEAD because I've now got a sixth trend; freakish disfigurement means success! It happened to Dumbo - who was only allowed to become popular because of the thing that caused him some mental turmoil (ears!) and it happened to the freaky bell-ringing Quasimodo in The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, even if that wasn't an original Disney story. So what? Neither was The Jungle Book, Captain Argument! Dumbo isn't a nicely animated movie, and I don't really like it. Sorry, Mr. Disney!

Peter Pan. Who can make your dreams come true? The Pan man can. Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two? Sammy Davis Jnr. Or Gene Wilder; take your pick. Sorry for those really lame couple of sentences, it won't happen again. Okay, it will, but I'll try not to make it happen again in this review. Again, not an original Disney story but stolen from a children's novel instead (hooray for originality!), Peter Pan is of course the story of a bunch of snotty English kids - one step up from being evil English kids, I suppose - being taken to Neverland. It's some whimsical place where children never get old and a lot of creepy pirates hang about on a boat, doing not much in particular. There's no strong themes in this one (themes in the sense of the ones I've picked out), so I'm starting to feel a little bit silly for picking this movie. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I could have chosen Song Of The South and its questionable content, but instead I stuck by my original choice. Okay, I'm lying. My original choice was Basil The Great Mouse Detective. I am so indecisive! Maybe if I write another of these pieces of trash, I'll write about those two movies. Maybe, but maybe not!

I'm sure that quite a few of you (I would say all three of you, but that joke is getting slightly old) will know of the insane goings-on over at the so-called Peter Pan's website. Madness supreme! I have no idea if that's a joke or not. I also don't know why I mentioned it in this review, except for the tenuous link to the cartoon movie I'm meant to be writing about. Oh, well. Lose-lose situation it is! Let us continue. You know what I hate? When Microsoft Word demands I change website to Webster, because it thinks it's the bees knees when it comes to spelling and grammar. Well, screw you, Microsoft Word! Website, website, website. Red and green error lines everywhere! Anyway, Peter Pan is quite tame in terms of continuing strange trends common to most Disney movies. There's the hint of subversive bestiality - just what is that past history of the crocodile and Captain Hook? How'd you think they got so close for the crocodile to be able to bite his hand off in the first place? That wacky captain, he's such a pervert! Oh, and once again the bad guy (Hook again) has a hoity-toity English accent. Such a surprise. I should probably end this review...probably right about here. The really sad thing is that there's many, many more Disney movies left to examine - which means in a few months you'll probably be able to read 'Even More Life After Walt'. Then again, I could be lying. Suspense!

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