Raiders Of The Lost Ark - Part II
Review By: Gringo

Hello! Because even someone as tragically unfunny as myself can't write that much non-amusing stuff in one sitting, I had to split my review of this movie into two parts. Actually, I'm lying, I didn't even write the first part in one sitting. More like ten or eleven sittings, which, when you look at what was eventually produced, is really quite shocking. Then again, that's the drawback of never going back to check what you've written. Sneaky! You are getting an insight into Gringo's writing techniques! They are as follows; Step 1 - Write something lame, Step 2 - Upload, Step 3 - DANCE, MAGIC BOBBY! DANCE UNTIL YOU CAN'T DANCE NO MORE! And that's more or less it. What relevance this has to do with Raiders Of The Lost Ark is beyond me but, hey, it's already wasted a hundred words or so, and for that I'm extremely grateful. This is the second and final part of my look over the wacky characters in the first Indiana Jones movie, and I've saved the best till last (okay, I haven't). Big gums, nefarious Germans, people whose sole responsibility in the movie is to get killed...they're all here, and having a party! A party you're all invited to!

Marion Ravenwood

This lady has big gums. Just look at that grin! It's a very distracting sight, but Marion (I love talking about fictional characters as if they were real!) is also the best looking female sidekick Indiana Jones has had. That reminds me - I was on holiday in Anguilla once (ooh, Gringo, you love to hand out pointless information!) and I was staying there during the annual Miss Anguilla competition. One of the entrants was called Tayna Gumbs. I thought that was funny and related to the whole Marion-gums thing. Anyway, Marion has a big mouth. But I mean that in the nicest way! Unfortunately, whilst she was the best looking and best written sidekick Indiana's ever had, she never returned to the series, instead Spielberg and Lucas chose a highly annoying character for the follow-up. Yes, good old Willie - snicker - in Temple Of Doom. This was followed by Elsa, she of the wacky accent that was German one minute, American the next, in Last Crusade. And none of them had a mouth as big as Marion Ravenwood! I think that says something sad about modern society. SMILE! In the picture above, her head also looks ridiculously oblong, but I'm sure that's just an illusion created by her clown hat

Fat Guy

This guy's entire purpose in the movie was to die of alcoholic poisoning. He has a drinking competition with Marion in her bar in Nepal (apparently Indiana Jones abandoned her out there, so you can imagine she's a bit pissed off). Anyway, Marion's quite the loose broad (or whore, if you will), downing shots of some mystery liquid like a pro. Fat Guy also manages to do this quite well, whilst looking quasi-feminine enough to raise doubts about whether he's really a 'he' or a 'she'. He also happens to have quite possibly the finest display of extra chins I have ever seen. Look at them! I am mesmerized...so many...so big...they're chunkalicious! The poor guy doesn't even get to speak a single line. It's drink, drink, drink, DEATH. I bet the script reading must have been great. Or even better, when his agent called him up; "Hey, tubby! We got a great role for you!". He'd probably have remained silent - like in the movie, not allowed to speak - as his agent continued; "It's like this...you're a fat guy, in a bar somewhere in Nepal. It's a pretty taxing role...drink, drink, drink, DEATH!". Poor Fat Guy, I miss him and his alcoholic ways.

Toht

Toht is not a very nice man. For one thing, he's a German in an Indiana Jones movie, and you know what that means. Yes, he's a Nazi! That bizarre mark on his hand in the picture above is from where Toht burnt his hand after trying to kill Marion and Indiana in Nepal. I could go into the whole thing about how Marion's necklace reveals where the Lost Ark is hiding, and that's the symbol burnt onto Toht's hand when he tried to grab it from a fire...but no. Toht is incredibly slimy; he speaks in this really strange accent making simple sentences like "Your fire is dying" come out like "Whore fayer iz dyink" followed by a really annoying, really grating laugh that sounds like a pig chowing down on some slop in a trough. Anyone wants to go to the toilet, go now. This review's not going anywhere good. This odd little man Toht also manages to wear three-piece suits, complete with black overcoat, in the middle of the Egyptian desert. Without breaking into a sweat! He's a cold man! Cold as ice! But at the end of his movie, his head melts. Yes, his entire head melts away. That's always good for a laugh.

Sallah

Oh, Sallah, you wacky, tubby man. Sallah is one of Indiana Jones' best friends (they share crayons in the playground and everything!) and conveniently happens to live in Egypt, which is where the whole trying-to-find-the-Ark madness is going on. Sallah is probably meant to be Egyptian, but you'd have a hard time telling it by his accent. In one scene, he sounds all bombastic and fruity as he overdoes his supposed accent, when in the next he sounds even more upper class English than Marcus Brody. Oh no! Still, John Rhys-Davies is the kind of actor who's always watchable regardless of what he's doing (unless of course it was porn) so all can be forgiven. After this movie, Sallah would go on to help Indiana out in the Last Crusade as well. Mr. Rhys-Davies however would go on to star alongside fellow Raiders cast member Karen Allen (Marion, the lady with the big gums, remember?) in some dreadful FMV computer game based on Jack the Ripper. I think it was called Ripper. I am crying internally. Well, okay, no I'm not. Had you fooled for a moment, didn't I? Wait. Why am I asking questions in a written format? You can't reply! Now I really am crying internally. No, I kid.

Dietrich

Wow! What a huge, comical mouth! That picture also seems to show the German officer guy to have badly bruised eyes. He doesn't really, that's just my inept software-hardware combination which makes the images look so bad. Anyway, this guy is called - maybe you've guessed already! - Dietrich and he's some sort of important, but nasty, Nazi. He has the most consistent German accent in the movie (helped no doubt by the fact that the actor probably is of German origin) but he's not given a great deal to do other than make funny faces and get mean and moody. Dietrich also seems to favour the colour green for his dress sense. You can probably tell I'm just trying to fill out this article with a lot of meaningless words in a desperate attempt to push the word count upwards. Oh well. I could try filling it out with pointless information too. Did you know that Joe bought both of Sum 41's albums? And that he still feels silly for doing so? Wait! I remembered something relevant! Well, kind of relevant, anyway! Dietrich's head also melts at the end of the movie. Success! At least he didn't suffer Belloq's fate of having his head explode.

German Mechanic

I read somewhere that the actor playing this buffed-up bad guy was the same who played the Fat Guy in the bar in Nepal. I can't really see the similarity myself, but if it's true then as the German Mechanic, the actor hides his double chins well. The character, as I've already hinted strongly, is a mechanic. Not just any mechanic, but a German mechanic. And we all know that German means evil...pure evil! That is at least when it comes to Indiana Jones movies. I'm not talking about real Germans here - National Lampoon's European Vacation taught us that all Germans are really fun-loving people who get annoyed at clown-like Americans called Clark Griswold. Getting back to Raiders Of The Lost Ark, the poor mechanic has a very limited role. He punches Indiana a few times, then gets chopped up by the propellers of an airplane. Nice! That picture above is taken perhaps seconds before poor Mr. Mechanic gets a present of death from the friendly airplane. One thing I do know is that actor playing the mechanic returned in Temple Of Doom, playing one of the bizarre cult members in the, uh, temple. His entire role was to get trapped on a conveyor belt and get crushed. He's so lucky!

Captain Katanga

Captain Katanga (I love to repeat the name so quickly! It helps the children! And also people with short concentration spans! Wait...what was I talking about? Oh, the funny jokes! They never start on Listen To Me!) is actually quite a cool character. He gives a lot of verbal abuse to the Nazis who board his ship, he hides Indiana Jones, thereby having an indirect hand in saving the world, and he also wears his captain's hat at a jaunty angle. He sure knows the tricks of the sea! The picture shows him with Marion, who ends up causing trouble for Captain Katanga. Dietrich clambers aboard his ship, proclaims he's taking Marion away and he's not even sure if he won't blow up Katanga's ship when he's safely back on his Nazi submarine. How friendly! Just goes to show that women and don't mix. Side note to the makers of The Simpsons: I'm sorry for constantly stealing jokes from your show in an attempt to be funny. But rest assured I only reference the first five or six seasons; you can have all the jokes in the later ones to yourselves. No, really, I mean it. Anyway, Katanga's a good guy, and that's that. And with that, I can bring an end to this terminally boring article. Right...here.


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