Star Wars: Episode II - Attack Of The Clones
Review By: Ross

I like to consider myself an expatriate Star Wars fan; I still think it's damn cool, but my former level of dorkiness was just too much to function in society. I mean, in fifth grade my friends and I made a speeder bike that was just a big wooden plank held down by rocks on one end so it felt like you were floating (that's one of the less embarrassing ones, I'll keep the others to myself). It didn't take me long to realize that this kind of shit would get me beat up in middle school. Review? Yes.

I'd like to take a moment to say something to all the would-be detractors of this movie: Fuck you! It's perfectly okay if you've seen this movie and don't like it, but people who are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SURE THAT THIS MOVIE WILL BE THE WORST THING EVER AND THAT GEORGE LUCAS IS CRAZY AND EATS LIVE KITTENS need to shut it until they've seen something other than trailers. For example, I heard someone say that it seems like there's too many lightsaber duels for his liking. Mind you, he'd come to this opinion by watching about three trailers. This is the kind of speculating that is stupid, saying you'll hate it because of a specific reason. Well, go fuck yourselves.

Now that I have my angry anti-Star Wars Devotee rant out of the way, I'll talk about the movie (spoilers ahead ommmmggggg). It's definitely better than The Phantom Penis (HAHAHHAHA no); there's no kids in lead roles and Jar Jar has about five minutes of screen time. There's plenty of action, and people die in very unpleasant ways usually involving a lightsaber (always a winner). The acting is an assload better, but the dialogue still sucks pretty hard. But then again, I guess Star Wars dialogue always sucked and I just never realized it because I was about 10 when I watched the movies. For example, Anakin is talking to Padme and says something like "I killed them... every last one of them! They're dead! And not just the men, but the women and the children! I slaughtered them like animals!" Then she just kind of ignores it and gives him a widdle hug. Word up Lucas, you got dramatic scenes down pat (no). Swish! Great.

I think Attack of the Clones is a worthy addition to the Star Wars line, despite how shitty of a record the prequels have so far. As for the stupid name, you can't honestly tell me that "The Empire Strikes Back" is any better. Plus, Natalie Portman's nipples are sticking out for half the movie so it can't be THAT bad.

This is a movie worth seeing the day it comes out, but I certainly wouldn't stand in line for three months like those crazy fuckers in Seattle are. CAPTAIN ZE DORK SHIP HAS BEEN SUNK! ROSS DECLARES ZEES MOVIE ONLY "OK!!" HE TYPES LIKE A DEUTSHELANDER IN CAPS ALL LIZTEN TO HIM! SCHEISSKOPF!!! WEINERSCHNITZEL!!!


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