E.T.
Review By: Joe

I haven't seen E.T. recently. In fact, I don't think I've seen E.T. at any time when my brain was fully formed. I think the last time I saw E.T. in full I was still only 7 or something like that. All I know is that I saw it long enough ago that it's one of those movies where I can't even remember what happened or what the hell it was about and the only things that stuck in my mind are the depressing parts because I guess I must have been a very morose little boy. This is also true for me with Dumbo and Bambi. All I can remember from those is DEATH, DEPRESSION, and those really stereotype-laden black crows. IF AHHH EVAHHH SEEEEE AN ELEPHANT.....FLYHYYYYYYYY!!!!!

From what I can remember, E.T. is about an ugly little alien who comes down to Earth to eat Reese's Pieces, get drunk, and molest children. This little dork kid hangs out with him a lot and at one part they fly in the sky! Also, Drew Barrymore is in it. This was back when she was a fat, ugly junkie kid and before she became a fat, ugly junkie adult married to Tom Green.

Anyway, as I said, I only remember the depressing shit from these movies that I saw as a kid so this is what I remember. At one part E.T. gets drunk and vomits up a cat. No, wait, that was on The Critic. That was a good show though. Other than that, I remember that E.T. gets really sick at one part because he can't use the pay phone and they put him in some hospital that is not good because after they cure him they will dissect him so they can learn more about stuff like that. Then he flies away, like I said. Pretty sparse plot, if you ask me. Man, fuck E.T.!

Now that I think about it, E.T. was obviously tailored to be the feel-good, tear-jerker, money-makin' movie of the year whenever it came out and now that it's been re-released, it's obviously there to milk some more cash out of the public. So fuck E.T.!!! He's not getting any of my money to fuel his alcoholism and Reese's Pieces fetish. I hope he gets gang-raped by a bunch of Ewoks and dies after not using 1-800-COLLECT to phone home. Use 1-800-COLLECT every time you make a collect call, kids! Then that chick from "Who's the Boss?" will bang you. No, it's true! I saw it on a commercial! And TV never lies. Never.


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