The Time Machine
Review By: Ross

Before I begin, I would like to plainly state my opinion of this movie.

Worst ever.

Now that's over with, on to the review. The Time Machine is another attempt to bring a book to life; following in the footsteps of some (allegedly) excellent films such as Harry Potter and Lord Of The Rings. While those two strived to keep the feeling of the book intact, the producers of The Time Machine took a different approach: namely shoving the novel into the sulfurous pit of their anus and POOPING IT OUT ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

The main reason it fails as a book adaptation is not because they altered parts or left them out, but because they just blatantly make up irrelevant stuff. Such as, uh, the whole movie. It's fairly obvious that the production team was having problems with time; it's hard to turn a ninety-page book into a two-hour movie. Pointless little scenes such as the main character looking himself up in a museum extend the time a few minutes. A few agonizing, pain ridden minutes.

Instead of "The Time Traveler", the protagonist is known as Alexander Hartedgen. The main reason that he builds his machine is to go back in time to stop his girlfriend from getting shot. He does this, and then leaves her at a street corner for a few minutes. Predictably, she gets run over by a carriage. Oops! Smooth move, Alex. Then, for no reason at all, the moon explodes. It isn't in the book and serves no purpose at all, save adding shit to confuse people.

The bulk of the movie is where Alex goes 800,000 years into the future and meets some pale, weak, short humans. Scratch that, they're normal height, muscled and half of them are black. And they speak some strange language... and also English! It is the magic of time. Some crap happens, there are some big monkey creatures, and then Alex goes into some cave. Inside this cave there's a random white guy who explains the entire plot to us in about ten minutes. That's great, because you couldn't tell from all the moronic filler.

Then more crap happens, and the machine explodes. In a big blue wave of time! It kills all the monkeys and everyone's happy. See the secret of this movie was that time was in the machine! Alex has the powah of time! Well not any more, because the machine exploded.

Sucks for him, now he has to live with a bunch of half naked bush people!


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