Star Wars: Episode II Trailer
Review By: Dan the Angry Conservative

I figure it isn't unethical to download a trailer from the Internet, because George Lucas wants people to see the trailer. It's like downloading a Pepsi commercial and watching it, that isn't stealing!

Now that I have finished my moral justification, the trailer for the movie was pretty fucking awesome. The effects look incredible, as does Natalie Portman. She was in "Where the Heart is," a movie I saw solely because of her. I also saw Anywhere But Here solely for her, and Episode Uno (SPANISH!!!) for a second time because of her. She's hot.

Most of the trailer seemed to show Coruscant, a planet that I will spell as "Croissant" for the remainder of the "review." Croissant is a planet that is covered with nothing but city, except for the snow covered poles. I know this because I am a stupid geeky dork face who has read several Star Wars novels. My recommendations are as follows; The Mandalorian Armor, The Jedi Academy trilogy, The Paradise Snare, and all of the "Tales From... series" except for Tales From Jabba's Palace, which kinda sucked. The best is probably The Mandalorian Armor, cause Boba Fett is the straight up, most badass, gansta trippin' nigga in the galaxy. A young Han Solo also kicks ass in The Paradise Snare, which has an anti-drug, anti-religion, anti-snob message for the kiddies.

Although Tales From Jabba's Palace sucked, it did have a terrific Boba Fett story in it called "A Barve Like That." Fuckin' awesome. Don't buy the book just for that, cause there is a lot of crap before and after (maybe "Barve" is the last story, in which case it is followed by a back cover which I am rather indifferent to), but if you know some colossal Star Wars geek than break into his home and "borrow" his copy and rape his mom.

Fett is in the trailer, but only briefly. But I hear he is in the movie signifigantly. I hear this from Newsweek magazine, the biggest liberal rumor mill in America, so I believe it!

Samuel L. Jackson is also in the trailer in the Jedi Master role he had before. He is one of my favorite actors. The greatest movie in the world has Samuel L. Jackson, Jason Lee, and Jason Mewes (the guy who played Jay of Jay and Silent Bob).

The trailer didn't give away much of the plot, probably because Lucas doesn't want to give away too many secrets. It's not because the plot is gonna suck, like the one in Episode One, no that is crazy talk...

But the action was fast and furious. Lightsabers and speeder chases and starships shooting at other starships, these are entertaining things.

There is one British bastard with a stupid beard who I have started to dislike. He is the Jar Jar Binks of Episode 2. Yoda's make-up (that is right, he isn't a real person, like Santa or Jesus or your grandparents) looks bad. He looks like a Muppet.

Episode One wasn't as bad as everyone said. It was a better than average movie. It was visually stunning and had some cool subtleties. What subtleties you ask? Well, have you noticed the undertones of homosexual love between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, I sure did!

Other characters who were gay; Jar Jar, Senator Palpatine, Boss Nass, C-3PO, Anakin's Rodian friend, the black guy who guards the Queen (you're no Lando!), and the Queen herself (in my dreams!).

I want to be one of those weirdos who camp out in front of the theater on opening day. I'll bring my copy of The Mandalorian Armor.

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