Resident Evil
Review By: Joe

When I'm bored and should be going to bed or, alternatively, doing work that's due date is steadily approaching, I tend to masturbate instead. When my roommate's around and I can't do that, I spend time generating awful content for our crappy site because it helps to fight off the realization I keep pushed to the back of my brain that I'm worthless by pretending like I'm accomplishing something by writing for the site even though doing this helps absolutely no one including myself and is probably the least constructive activity of all the possible uses of my time...except for masturbation. Actually, no, in masturbation there's a goal. This is just pointless bullshit. So, to sum up this review, everyone should masturbate!

I was just thinking how fun it would be to actually end the review right there but I guess I won't because, you know, the whole making myself feel useful thing. Maybe I'll do it for another review but then you'll already expect it and everything and it won't even be cool. TALK ABOUT A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE, CHARLIE PINKERTON! So, we're agreed then? New paragraph? Right-o.

Resident Evil is a decent enough game series. Basically, you control a character who maneuvers like a truck around environments picking up stupid objects like blocks with a picture of the sun on them so you can jam them into holes in the wall so that you can get a key which has some chess symbol on it. While you're doing this, undead shit will (a bit less than) regularly climb through the windows, bash through the wall, come out of a closet, or any other number of things that makes you jump and hit the person next to you involuntarily. Also, you shoot zombies.

Resident Evil is a popular game series because people forgot about Alone in the Dark and thought RE was like some cool new genre but, HEY, ALONE IN THE DARK, STUPID. I can understand why RE would become the more popular game series though. Reason being, both games are flawed but where RE is flawed in the "this doesn't make sense but it isn't all that hard to figure out what to do next" sense, Alone in the Dark is flawed in the "why the fuck am I carrying all this shit I don't know where the hell I'm supposed to go and I keep fucking dying just because certain rooms seem to just have unkillable shit that beats the fuck out of me without warning PIECE OF CRAP" sense. I really don't know why I'm dwelling on this so much. I hate typing! I hate you people! Again, we're moving on to the next paragraph and beginning anew and all seen here will be forgotten. NOW, CHILDREN......FORGET!!

The Resident Evil game series has always played out like a low-budget horror movie so what else to do but make it into a high budget Hollywood blockbuster?! So here we have it, the movie, and, golly gee willikers, the shit ain't that bad. The movie basically centers around a bunch of people who go into this underground lab that got raped up the ass. There are all these dead people walking around and trying to eat their faces and they have to shoot them or, alternatively, kick them in the head. Milla Jocomobish is in this movie because she is a hottie. She kicks a lot of zombies, which is different from the game because you cannot kick no zombies! There's also this one part where she jumps on a zombie's shoulders with her legs around his head and her crotch in his face and then twists his head with her legs so his neck snaps. At the time I said "Luckiest zombie in the world..." LOLOROFLRLOFMOFO!!! Ah...juvenile.

The plot of the movie doesn't follow any one of the games exactly although it has the same basic idea as all of them (kill zombies). The characters in this movie are not any of the characters from the games. The main people are this one guy who does not like zombies and the two hot chicks. The first is the aforementioned Milla Jogopogostick and then this Latin girl who was in some movie about boxing. Her character is the real tough bitch in the movie who says things like "You got a problem with that?" a lot. She also says "blow me" at one part even though she doesn't have a cock! Silly female!

Other than that, the other characters are zombies and a bunch of military-type people who you just know are all dispensable, mostly because they are not Milla Jomococoa. There's a part where a bunch of them get killed by lasers. The special effects on that were especially cheesy. It made me laugh. Pretty much everyone else in the movie is a zombie. That means a lot of extras! And, most likely, not all of them have won an academy award! That's why there's a bunch of funny shots of zombies stumbling forward with an arm outstretched or, my personal favorite, the one in a background of a shot forcibly moving his fist up and down as though he were rocking out to his own personal beat. Beautiful, really.

I never know what direction I'm going in with reviews so let's go this way now! The movie is rated R for a reason. It is a naughty! It is quite a naughty! I must say that I respect the fact that the producers of the film realized they'd get more cash if they toned the film down and made it PG-13 (because I'm sure a lot of vile little children get their hands on the games) but still went with the R rating. They didn't even try to pander to kids at all here. Sure, the movie is pretty durned violent (although there are no exploding zombie heads like in the game) but I'm talking about the SEX SEX SEXY SEXY SEX! Yes, they have some "NUDITY and/or SEXUALITY" in this film so that the naughty boys will say "YAY FOR PREPUBESCENT BONERAMA!" but it did not seem all shitty and out of place (HELLO TOMB RAIDER! RANDOM SHOWER SCENE WHY?!) although they honestly weren't really needed either. There are flashbacks of a sex scene in this sucker! Oh, Resident Evil, how come you gotsta be so naughty?! The main thing that surprised the FUCK! out of me in this film is how far they pushed the nudity. I mean, I figured they'd still want some little bastard childs to get into the theater so they could milk cash from them but this is sort of negated by a scene quite far into the film. In it, Milla Jomotofoto is in some shitty hospital gown that consists of like two pieces of paper. She falls on the floor and is crawling around. It is during this shot that we can see quite clearly between her legs. Now I'm not saying we see the actual specimen here but it's pretty fucking close. Close enough to make some girl near me say "Ew, come on..." WHYYYYY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?! I dunno, I just found it surprising. You like figs!

Anyway, this movie is pretty cool. At the beginning they manage to successfully pull off some SHOCKHORROR moments like in the game which is cool. The movie quickly drops the whole suspense thing later (not entirely, but almost) and just becomes an action movie where a lot of funny looking men in business suits get shotted in the head. I thought it was cool, though, and I think the movie does the game justice. I mean, the content of the game is really not that deep. The movie's got the good elements in there of killing zombies and has removed the bad elements like the stupid puzzles where you pick up a gem and stick it up the ass of a statue that looks like a hippo. The only thing I really have issues with is that they don't really spend much time in the mansion above the lab (which is where the majority of the first game takes place). I thought the title RESIDENT Evil came from the whole house thing. As in, the zombies are EVIL but they are also RESIDENTs in this house. The zombies are just sitting in front of the fire smoking their pipes and drinking their tea and then you walk in and shoot them. THAT IS NOT FAIR! THEY LIVE THERE! Also, there are no exploding heads.

This is really probably the first video game movie that I would at least assign the title "decent" to and that is saying a lot. I don't think I've seen all of Mortal Kombat but that was apparently good enough to warrant a sequel (which I hear is shit). We won't discuss Mario Bros. (again). Tomb Raider was okay but I wasn't expecting much from it considering the game it was based on and, due to it's stupidity, I now feel like I was too easy on it in my review. Final Fantasy sadly sucked a large amount of ass. Resident Evil is the first game that, although it does not follow the plot of any of the games, manages to capture enough of the feel of the games to come off as cool and a bit scary too. Some of it is admittedly cheesy but, then again, so is the game and it comes nowhere near reaching that level of cheese. This is a sound byte from the first game. Yeah...that speaks for itself, I think.

The movie itself was pretty good but I feel I should review the process I had to go through to see it. Reason being, I always like to put a bit of myself into all my work (usually I just use blood) because I think it adds that much more personality. Also, I am a narcissist.

My friend wanted to see the movie the day it came about because we are dorks. This required me going home to see it with him. Going home involves me taking a train for an hour to New York City then walking something like four or five blocks to take a bus for another hour. This time, I had to do it in the freezing cold and with only this haircut to protect me, given to me by the people in my dorm.

'J' is for Joe!

When I got off the bus, my friend and I had to walk a whole lot to the movie theater just to find out RE was sold out (this was the last show of the evening, mind you). When I went up to the window to buy a ticket, the lady started laughing at my head and got her co-worker friend to turn around and look as well. Some other guy was laughing and apparently informing his friend about my head on his cell phone. We ended up buying tickets for the next day and saw the movie then.

On my way back home the next day, I found out it was the day of the Saint Patrick's Day Parade. That meant there were a lot of drunk people in the train station waiting to get home. It is hard to walk around crowds of people. A lot of them are slow. One guy sat down and talked with me because he liked my head. I think everyone else just thought I was a skinhead.

Summary: Movie = good. Traveling = a naughty.

Why I tell you this?

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