Dune
Review By: Darth Phenom

A failure. A miserable failure. Sadly, this is the only way I can describe Dune, David Lynch's adaption of Frank Herbert's supposedly excellent novel of the identical name. Actually, there are many more negative ways I can describe this production but my vocabulary is so badly limited. So there you have the verdict; click back and read more Spurt now, my beloved. Away now.

I have been alerted that I am in fact required to waste more web space with a pointless review regardless that no-one will actually bother to read it. This makes me cry. Right off the bat, I can confirm that this version of the Dune legacy is indeed inferior to both the classic book and PC game -- sadly I have no knowledge of the soundtrack recorded entirely in panpipes. Instead of the almighty Ben Hur-beating epic that Mr. Lynch undoubtedly envisioned, the unfortunate result is simply a long-winded ordeal little more exciting than a documentary of the genitalia of sea lions only glittered at sparse intervals with a rare good scene. For non-Dune faithful, these short episodes of brilliance will be the only redeeming feature of this dire motion picture. Yes, you will see nudity in several of these scenes.

For those familiar with the Dune universe, identifying with the characters will hardly be a problem at all, although you may be disgusted at the image-shattering actors cast. Personally, I feel Kyle MacLachlan portrays a very poor Paul Atreides but anyway. For the uninitiated (intelligent) folk, confusion may breed like a previously vasectomised rabbit in heat who by some miracle of nature has just regained the power of reproduction. David Lynch automatically assumes you simply know who absolutely every character is and refuses to waste his precious time by introducing or profiling them. Of course, it is unlikely anyone other than a Dune fan could have any interest in this so perhaps the good gentleman was correct in his madness after all.

As if you didn't know by now, all the fabulous action takes place on a distant planet in the dark recesses of the Empire by the name of Arakkis. Surely the ambition of having your unathletic body lying parched on the desert sand being picked at by vultures (as if the tastes of vultures are that bad, you miserable, conceited child) must have entered some sector of your brain cell sometime in your life. So you'll naturally be delighted to know that water is of such a premium that people are killed simply for their supply of water and even "tears are considered sacred". And you wretches are concerned about the ludicrously low chance that terrorists could ever care enough to bother delivering you a generous gift of that lovely white substance.

Anyway, the houses of Harkonnen and Atreides battle for the supply of Spice that apparently is exclusive to this wretched planet. What so important about this substance, you may ask? Well, I'm not really sure but exposure to it does lead to a really nifty shade of blue eyes. Oh, and something else about it being crucial to warp speed travel and inter-house trade. The indigenous race of this planet, The Fremen (ironically named as they're initially captive to House Harkonnen) seem to be a bit fed up about the ideals of slavery and constantly migrating to flee from the Harkonnen forces and thus look to young Paul Atreides as their savior. In fact, this young man is of such importance, he even winds up being the lead character! Imagine!

No one in this movie delivers an overly memorable performance, so most sci-fi fans shouldn't have too many complaints what with so many outstanding megastars in this great genre. As I stated previously, the only redeeming features for this are those special effects. Back in 1984, audiences may have been suitably impressed and even today they still manage to rival Flash productions! Surely, this must necessitate purchasing at least three copies of the Director's Cut! We are even treated to a battle scene with actually rivals Jar Jar's amazing performance in the Battle of Naboo. If only Heaven could actually be this good I may be tempted to cease my incestual sex habits with my loving children.

Right then. I suppose if you are one of those hardcore Dune cult followers you'll no doubt already own several copies of the special editions on various formats, so this negates reading this review anyway. However, if you have no interest in Frank Herbert's wonderful universe you won't even have bothered reading past the opening line of this review seeing as how extremely busy you are entertaining yourselves with doctored pictures of the Olsen twins. Therefore, I have only succeeded in wasting my time in bothering with this drivel. I develop a sisterly relationship with Buffy.


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