A Christmas Story
Review By: Joe

Ah, Christmas. The time of year where everyone gets together, united under the common idea of commercialism, to be merry and sing songs about some Jesus guy they've likely never heard of and of Santa who died for our sins when he fell down a chimney. Christmas also brings with it many a Christmas-oriented film being shown on television and one that captures the spirit of purchasing stuff better than no other I've seen is A Christmas Story.

This movie is about a boy named Ralphie who badly wants a Red Rider (Ryder? Rider? Um..hmm...me no so sure) BB Gun for Christmas. The film essentially follows Ralphie's quest to implant the idea of getting him the gun for Christmas into his parents' brains. Doesn't sound like much of a plot, eh what?! BUT IT MATTERS NOT because this movie is essentially just a story of being a kid during the holidays which is probably what makes it so superfun as we all get to relive through Ralphie our now lost childhood where Christmas used to be fun and magical and we weren't all just stupid drunken suicidal fucks who hate life and eat buttered rolls. Buttered FUCKING rolls.

Also, the movie throws in a nice bit of insanity to keep things moving along smoothly. Things such as the father winning a lamp shaped like a leg and fighting with the furnace and these dogs from the neighbors that come running through the house every once in awhile and of course, the Santa Claus who kicks children in the face. Pure genius, I say!

The movie also sports some of the best profanity I've ever heard as the dad frequently spouts it and it's always a bunch of jibberish, the only sampling of which I can remember right now is "FRATTENHOUSE!" which I think says it all, really. In addition there's a part where Ralphie says the 'F' word and it's changed to "fudge" for the purposes of the story which is cute anyway.

It is no good trying to explain why this movie rocks so hard on a mediocre website review. Just watch the damn thing. For the past two years TBS has shown the movie again and again back to back for 48 hours starting on Christmas Eve and continuing all through Christmas day. Assuming they haven't realized yet that my sister and I are the only ones who watch it every single time and their ratings plummet whenever they do it, it should be the same this year as well. I suggest you catch it at least one of those times...but closer to eight times would be better. The reason I say watch it when it comes on is that it's on instead of renting it or something is that it's just of those things that's just better seen when it's actually Christmastime. Same deal with just about everything Christmas-related except for Daze Before Christmas which sucks year round.

To finish up, I will say that this movie is just great. It came out in '83 but it's already a classic if you ask me. Also it has a little fat kid saying "Son of a bitch!" which, in my book, qualifies for a thumbs up every time.

Merry Christmas. Ho ho hooooooooooo.

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