Anywhere But Here
Review By: Darth Phenom

Well, it's obvious you've clicked on the link to this worthless piece of drivel in the pathetic hope of just catching a glimpse a bare glimpse of Queen Amidala's cleavage. I must now inform you have been oh so cleverly deceived by the oh so vile and treacherous marketing of this great establishment. I will now extract much amusement of the gullibilities of you stupid Star Wars geeks. Now that I have experienced one of George Lucas's joys for myself, I will cease writing this review of a movie which no one could possibly care any less about and produce a low budget sci-fi extravaganza of my own, and laugh hilariously as you all fork over your precious lunch money for the various special edition DVD's I intend to release. (If you're extremely lucky, one of these aforementioned special editions may even contain a --wait for it-- director's commentary! Now you are all happy like cheese!) Goodbye now, suckers!

Unfortunately, that particular idea has gone up in smoke, as my friendly editor (brutal slave driver) has steered me clear of that path. So here I am, happily enjoying writing a review of a movie I am ashamed to admit I actually enjoyed. Right then. This fine production begins with truly one of the greatest lesbian-pop-artists of our time, with KD Lang performing her outstanding Anywhere But Here. I can see absolutely no relation between the title of this song and the movie. Crazy producers, I say! We are then introduced to the lead character, a seemingly typical angst-ridden, suicidal, angry young lady (Natalie Portman) whose thoughts are extremely varied by how stupid her mother (Susan Sarandon) is and how much she hates her maternal parent. We're then pleasured by a brief background story on exactly why they left the bustling metropolis of Bay City, Wisconsin and why they are now on the road to some unheard of dump by the name of Los Angeles. On the way there, Adele August (the mother) displays an extremely excellent display of succesful parentage by ejecting her daughter from the automobile when she begins complaining and arguing. Yes, this is undoubtedly the correct way. What's all that ludicrous therapy good for anyway, hmm?

From there on, it's a pretty typical mother/daughter movie (not that I've actually seen too many to be overly familiar with this genre but you get the general idea, right?). They continue to argue, adjust to a new life, and obviously the daughter has to find her father again. Oh, you want to know about her father? It has become apparent to me I didn't bother discussing that particular aspect. Well, now I'll waste my time telling you. LIES! You can just go and see this your damn self if you really want to know. The responsible Adele August falls in love with a dentist at least ten years her junior, a fine example to set, I say! Especially with a dentist! I suppose it then makes perfect sense that Ms. Portman's character then forces a gentleman at least ten years her senior to remove his pants. Yes...

I suppose at this point, I could ramble on about meaningless unrelated trifles like other fine reviewers for this cutting-edge of entertainment standard that Listen To Me has become a household name for. But, no! I will continue the struggle against communism by telling you about this fine, fine production. Whatever, it was. The soundtrack for this is entirely taste driven, and that lesbian-pop-art may not appeal to absolutely everyone's testes. You'll either be rushing out to purchase the quality soundtrack CD with great haste or you'll be tearing your ears from your skull like the miniscule fairy that you really are with rage.

Now then. Most of you idiots will be queueing around the block from your local video store just for the scene where Ms. Portman wears a bikini exclusively! I'm not lying here, I swear to God! She honestly wears nothing but a two piece bakini for an ENTIRE SCENE! Truly, Jesus is kind to us. Why are you still here?


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