Crocodile Dundee I & II
Review By: Gringo

A couple of months ago, and only fifteen (what the hell?) years after his original outing as Mick 'Crocodile' Dundee, Paul Hogan unleashed a third movie all about the brown leather jacket-wearing fish-out-of-water character he had success portraying in the 1980's. Never mind the fact that all of the potential jokes were worn out in the first movie, nor the fact that fifteen years on it's pretty insulting to assume the audience will believe Dundee still knows nothing about modern city life. No, never mind that, because there's money (and stupid people) out there! So it was that Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles got made and was unleashed liked a deadly virus. Thankfully it didn't contaminate too many minds, because it only took something like $25 million, just meeting its production costs.

So whilst a Crocodile Dundee IV: Going To Canada, Eh? is very unlikely, the first three remain very much alive and available to watch. Seeing as I've not bothered to pay the admission fee to watch number three in the series, I'll just review the first two which were very conveniently played back-to-back on some obscure television channel a few days ago. My sad admission is that I watched both of them. That's right, I spent my night watching supposedly amiable rogue Mick Dundee making an ass of himself in New York City. That makes me angry. Anger leads to me writing something about the two movies. And before I start, don't you go stealing my ideas about that whole going to Canada thing, Paul Hogan! You and your silly Flipper movie! Think you can make a comeback using my ideas? Think again!

Crocodile Dundee

Linda Kozlowski bugs me. She puts listening devices in my room and reports my moves to El Presidente!! Well, no. But she does irritate me with her stupid, stupid voice. Whenever she talks it's as if she's got a blocked nose. Get a tissue, dumb bitch. Anyway, she plays Sue Charlton, Crocodile Dundee's love interest. She's a reporter, whose father happens to own the paper she works for. Nepotism? WHY NO, BOBBY! Even though we find out she's engaged to the slimiest man on the face of the Earth she still flirts with Dundee whilst writing a report on him in Australia. For no reason whatsoever she thinks it'd be a good idea to take Mick to America. For even less reason, he agrees. Cue stupid movie.

Let us not forget this is the cinematic masterpiece which sees Paul Hogan shouting, "FOR WASHING YOUR BACKSIDE, ROIGHT?" from a hotel room out into a crowded New York City street. So this guy has never seen a bidet? He's never even seen a toilet? Even though he frequents a pub in his Australian hometown which by law would have to provide crapping facilities? Okay! This first time round with the crusty old crocodile fighter warned that "There's a little of him in all of us". Well, I don't know about you, but I would never shout anything about my anal hygiene across a busy city street. In fact, I wouldn't even whisper anything about it. To tell the truth (yes) I don't even know how to practice anal hygiene. But wait! There's a money making scheme! Anal floss!

Once Dundee lands in New York City, the story as it is revolves around him and Sue getting it on with each other. Slimy Guy makes a tit of himself and gets punched by Dundee - but despite her flirting with the man from Australia, Sue still agrees to marry Mr. Slime. Damn slut! As is the way with alleged comedies like this, the two male and female characters that spend the most time together eventually fall in love. Dundee, macho man that he is, does a runner when Sue's marriage is announced. Realising she can't continue being a whore, Sue sets off after her crocodile-fighting friend. There's a relatively amusing scene at a subway station where she has to pass her message along several people to get Mick back, but it's still not a good movie.

This movie may also win the award for Most Stereotypical Representation of New York in the world, ever. Apparently the entire population consists of high-powered stockbrokers, sassy reporters, rich bastards and drunken working class heroes. Oh, and transvestites (who may or may not use anal floss). There's also a well-known scene where Dundee pulls out a ridiculously large knife to take on a hilariously dressed mugger, who is clutching what seems to be a penknife. Dundee says, "that's not a knife, that's a knife" as he shows Captain Mugger his weapon. I don't know what it is, but I fucking HATE this scene. There's something about the smug look on Hogan's face (yes, Hogan, not just Dundee's character) that I can't stand. I swear if I hear anyone - ANYONE IN THE WORLD - say the line I've just quoted ever again, beatings will occur. I'm not saying I'll perform the beatings or even endorse them. But they will occur. OH YES.

Crocodile Dundee II

Sadly, people went to see Crocodile Dundee in their thousands, bankrolling Paul Hogan for a couple of years and making a sequel inevitable. The bad news was made a reality two years after the original's release when the snappily titled Crocodile Dundee II was released. The tagline for this cash-in was "The world's favourite adventurer is back for more! Much more!". Do you want to know what this magical 'much more' was? I'll tell you, regardless. It was crap acting, a stupid story and pointlessness to rival even this site's existence. Yet people still went to see it in their thousands, handing over hard-earned cash to watch a horrible, horrible movie. In addition, there was very little anal floss in this movie.

The story is as follows; Sue's ex-husband (where the hell did they come up with that? Might have been good to mention it in the original!), some crazy photographer, is in Columbia taking pictures of a man in a bad suit killing someone. Bad Suit turns out to be notorious drug kingpin Rico. OOH, DANGER! Anyway, he kills the ex-husband but not before the photos are sent to Sue. He fails to send any anal floss, but that may be because they don't sell it in Columbia. To cut a shite story short, Sue is kidnapped by Rico, Dundee rescues her, they flee (FLEE! FLEE LIKE THE WIND!) to Australia and after a showdown with the drug dealer and his stereotypical henchmen - who are either called Miguel or Luis - Mick and Sue live happily ever after. Hooray! Well, until they decided to drag their stupid faces out of retirement to make yet another Crocodile Dundee movie.

I hate Crocodile Dundee II. The guy playing Rico is among the worst actors in existence, whilst everyone else seems to have a kind of smug glow about being in the sequel. Why? Idiots. On the bright side, almost none of the people in the movie have been in anything good since. The movie has dated very badly. It's always late, too pushy, always trying for a kiss straight away. No, that's not what I mean. There's a disgusting 80's look to the production, with Rico dressed head to toe in shiny red suits whilst everyone else sports big hair and stupid faces. Yes, stupid faces. Change your damn face! It's so STUPID! Any humour that the original might have had in having Dundee struggling to understand life in the city is now wasted. There's no point to it; if the two characters have been living in New York for such a long time, the idea that Mick still doesn't know how the city works is just insulting.

There is one bright spot. Near the end of this movie Dundee shoots his best friend Wally IN THE FACE. Wally's reason for being in both movies was to look stupid and have Mick show him up as a liar. There was another character called Donk who was perhaps the ugliest person I've ever seen, but he served even less purpose. You'd think that with all the money the original made they could have at least spent some money on a decent script and actors who could speak rather than dribble their lines. But no, the producers took the Police Academy route of greenlighting something too quickly, rushing it into cinemas everywhere for it to reveal its utter worthlessness to the world. There's a line in Planes, Trains & Automobiles (a good comedy, Mr. Hogan) where Steve Martin's character tells super-irritant Del Griffiths (John Candy) "Your stories aren't even amusing accidentally". The same can be said for Crocodile Dundee II. It's not funny. It's not even funny accidentally. It's just terrible.

That more or less sums it up for the first two Crocodile Dundee movies. I'm sure once they start giving away free copies of his adventure in Los Angeles (which can't be too far away), I'll watch it and put up a review for all three of you to read. Until that time, screw it. I certainly won't be reviewing any of the other dross Paul Hogan's been involved in, and if I see any movie ever from now on that Linda Kozlowski is in, I'll be sure to run a mile. That's it. You can go now. But don't forget to buy some anal floss! If the quality of the Crocodile Dundee series is anything to go by, I'm sure you'll be able to get some from Paul Hogan. He'll be setting up shop on a street corner near YOU. Soon! With anal floss! For washing your backside, ROIGHT!?

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