Goldy III
Review By: Ross

Taking a hint from Gringo, I searched that huge repository of Mr. T merchindise, eBay. Mr. T and Friends Coloring Book? Too cheesy. Mr. T Bobble Bobbin Bobbing Head Wacky Wobbler? Too useless. Goldy III starring Cheech Marin and Mr. T? Just right.

Now, I never had exactly what you'd call high expectations of this movie. From what I had read it just looked like one of those low-budget family entertainment movies that were so common to the late '80 and early 90's. Well I was pretty much right. This whole thing looks like it could have been done on a weekend with someone's parent's camera and $50. And a bear. Oh yeah, I gotta say something about the bear.

Now the premise of this movie is that this girl has a bear. And it's somewhere in the midwest about 100 years ago. Now there's this magician and his assistant Hugo the Scrupulous Dwarf (scrupulous for reasons later described), and they aren't doing very well. So Borgia (Cheech Marin, the magician) looks in a crystal ball and sees a bear and is positive that that's what he needs to be r0x0r again. Well this bear belongs to a girl and she doesn't want to sell it. Anyway some crap happens with a shooting contest and Borgia casts a spell on one of Jesse's (girl) parent or guardians and they lose or something. Hugo is pissed off at Borgia because he's using his magic for evil and stuff (Hence the scruples) so he leaves.

Eventually Jesse and Goldy run into the forest to escape Borgia and his eeeeevil spells. They meet Mr T who is a 'ghostman' who protects the animals of the forest (Yet he wears deerskins... hmm). You actually get to see Mr T doing stuff before that but I forgot to write about it. I'm such a horrible person! We find out that he's really just the son of some slaves who moved in with Native Americans. He named himself 'Freedom'. So him and Jesse spend the night in the woods and have sex. In the morning, Borgia comes back and realizes what eeevil things he's done and volunteers to help find Jesse and Goldy. They do so. I was kidding about the sex thing. Jesse is like 12. Hugo comes back, too.

So they go back and Jesse realizes that she has to put Goldy back into the wild, and she's not the last Golden Bear because there's another one on the other side of the mountain so they can then have a family hoozay! But Goldy has been imprinted on humans so there's no way she can return. Borgia just casts a spell or something so she can and does and everything's good again.

This movie SUCKED. First of all, what about the goddamned golden bear?! IT WAS BROWN PEOPLE. It was a god-fucking-damned ordinary brown bear. NOT GOLDEN AT ALL? NO! If you're gonna call the bear golden you should like, HAVE A REASON? Secondly, this movie is infected with the crappy acting bug. Jesse couldn't act to saver her life, and the sheriff guy keeps forgetting his lines for a few seconds at a time. THIRD, it uses tired old plot devices. Like the "If I don't win the shooting contest we're gonna lose the farm" type thing. Lastly, in an attempt to have a 'plot', this movie is just a series of events that loosely relate to eachother, and as a result stuff happens that has little or no consequence to the overall, uh, story.

Now I don't know about any of the other movies, but I can assume that what I just said goes for all of them. I didn't buy the other two because the didn't have Mr. T and thus I saw no point. Buy this if you want a nice little So-bad-it's-good movie. Otherwise stay far, far away.

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