The Exorcist
Review By: Darth Phenom

Right, the awesome power of Jesus. The son of God and all that. Now you may find it interesting that as I write this I've just happened to come across a brief in the Sunday Times which just may desymbolise that whole Star of Bethlehem jargon. Turns out this miraculous occurrence was, in fact, just an extremely bright meteor meaning the so-called Wise Men would have had to be riding jet-propelled camels just to catch a glimpse of it. Now with that useless bit of trivia out of the way, I guess that's brought us to the end of the review, hasn't it? Unfortunately, like this miserable waste of film, it's not over quite yet. So let us continue.

Our movie begins in the deserts of Northern Iraq with some manner of archeological digs. And just like every other cliched archeological dig, digging in desert sands simply MUST result mistakingly unearthing some ancient artifact of the most terrible evil imaginable. So no failures on delivery here, then. We then move to the not-so-sleepy city of Georgetown and are introduced to a seemingly normal pubescent girl who will soon be embodied by Lucifer Himself. And once the embodying begins, the good doctors cleverly mistake this clearly obvious embodiment with some mental condition or another. Fools! How did these bums get their PhD's anyway? Anyway, soon after we are treated to easily the most entertaining moment of this over-rated piece of mediocrity...are you ready? A rare glimpse of those pubescent breasts...ah.

And in that enchanted moment in time, it was as if I was suddenly transported to a land of sheer film excellence completely devoid of the agonisingly painful wretch of horror that was The Exorcist. The boredom factor only snowballs down the Dreaded Hill of Intolerance from there on with the mother of the possessed child desperately seeking help from a priest with the most dreaded weapon is his ever almighty arsenal being a bottle of holy water which actually is rather effective. Yes, indeed...the Mighty Lord of Darkness screaming in terror from tap water.

Finally, this priest realises he cannot defeat such evil on his own and thus his last resort is to summon the Exorcist! A mighty warrior of light in a wretched world of darkness. Surely, he can right this terrible, terrible wrong. However, he simply turns out to be some old geezer with an even weaker arsenal than the priest. And somehow, by the power of prayer they manage to defeat the Dark Lord - whose most lethal power is calling their mothers "cock suckers" - but lose their lives in the process. And now once again the world is a bright, smiling, happy place with the girl being sent err...somewhere (I may have fallen asleep by this point).

So there you have it...a film I cannot believe Warner Bros. have honoured with this special 25 year anniversary edition. There is barely one positive I can actually manage to find in this dross and I definitely recommend avoiding it at high costs, if necessary. The brilliant producer of this claimed it to be "the most shocking film of all time" but let's face it, the most terrifying thing that happened was when the mother questioned "Is it over?" and the priest shakes his head. I thought she was talking about the movie.


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