Heroes In A Half Shell
Review By: Ross

Of course you remember the Ninja Turtles. If you are over 5 years old and haven't heard of them, I'd suggest crawling out of that rock you're under. Done? Good. TMNT started out as a comic, but it was a whole lot different than the show you and I watched as children. It was bloody, dark, the turtles swore and Shredder actually died (You can read it here). Then someone came along at made it more kid-friendly, and thus it sold alot better. Then, as with all great comics, they made a show out of it. But it turned out that the show was actually more popular than the comic. So what do they do? They make movies. BUT THEY (for the most part) DIDN'T SUCK! Amaze.

March 20th, 1990. According to the poster, the day this film made its debut. I am talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie of course, and what a movie it was. The reason this film did better than most movies based on cartoons was that it had something for everyone. For the little kids, it had their favorite mutant superheros on the big screen and in live action. For the adolescents, it had big green guys kicking everyone's ass. And for everyone else, it had comedy and a fairly good plot.

I just watched it again for the sake of reviewing, and got every one of the jokes. Last time I watched it I was only about 10, and didn't really understand anything. And I just came to the conclusion that this movie is funny as hell.

Example: All the turtles are coming back from their first sucessful battle. Leonardo: "Awesome!" Mikey: "Radical!" Don: "Bossanova!" Others: "Bossanova?" Don: "Um, Chevy Nova?" HAW. Hilarious! I was a bit surprised, because most 6 year olds wouldn't get that. Somehow or another, it suceeded in being almost nothing like the TV show and still being awesome.

Another thing about this film that rocked was that it emobodied the spirit of the 80's, and this film is how I will always remember that decade. The crappy music, the moronic hairsyles, and the vaguely gay clothing.

The only problem was that alot of the little kids didn't get it. And even though it was a good movie, adults didn't go see it because they thought that the Ninja Turtles were for little kids. Which is why I give this movie...

Three out of four crazed Mikeys!

This is number two. If it followed in the footsteps of such quality films as Home Alone 2, The Land Before Time 2 (as well as 3-27) and Jurassic Park 2, it would suck so much ass it's face would be permanently deformed. HOWEVER this not only succeeds in being as good as the first... but possibly even better. I think it does this by realizing and targeting its audience better than the first.

Well, what does this movie contain? First off, we discover the orgin of the ooze that created the turtles. That clears some stuff up, and actually contributes to the plot. Secondly, a new character (Keno) is introduced, and he is very cool and kicks ass at the beginning. But most importantly, we get to see giant mutant dogs and snapping turtles, along with some green stuff in tubes (always does well in my book). These guys will do fine in the absence of Bebop and Rocksteady, I think they were a bit too goofy for the quasi-serious tone of the first two movies.

Prof. Jordan Perry is the head of the company that made the ooze, and he's disposing the cannisters so no more weird shit happens (Giant dandilions, talking rats, Ninja Turtles...). But Shredder kidnaps him when the last one is about to be disposed of, and forces him to use it on a snapping turtle and a dog (Tokka and Razar). The turtles try and fight them but get mercilessly walloped. They do however rescue the Professor, and take him back to the sewers. The Prof and Donatello make some concoction that will return the mutants to their natural states. Well, they put it in some donuts and feed the donuts to Tokka and Razar. Well, they end up fighting or something and the battle leads to a dance club, where none other than VANILLA ICE is kickin' it up on stage. See, Ice was cool back in the day and actually made people like this movie more. I don't really understand how he could have been cool in the first place.

I always wondered one thing about this though - When Shredder comes back out of the garbage, why is his face shadowed? We saw it very clearly in the first one, so wuzzup with that? Well I found my answer when I thought about interviewing the actor... SHREDDER IS PLAYED BY A FRENCH GUY IN THIS MOVIE. Instead of the immensely talented James Saito (Usually plays a bad Asian man, I think he was one of the Japanese commanders in the overhyped shitfest Pearl Harbor. Needless to say he was probably the only good thing in that movie.), we get some guy named Francois. Can you imagine the essense of all evil being named François? No? I can't either.

This movie is better than number one, because I actually understood what was going on when I first watched it oh-so-long ago. Also, there are some kickass fighting scenes and Prof Perry rocks my world. Thusly, I have the privelege of giving the Secret of the Ooze:

Four out of four crazed Mikeys!

Writers: "Okay, so the first one did well, the second one did better, so lets just slap some shit together and put the turles into it."

I can actually imagine the directors doing this. This movie is almost degrading to watch because while the first TMNT movie had a bit of complexity, it was diluted over two more and now we get this piece of crap. So ok. April gets transported back in time accidentally. These ancient Samurai guys come and recruit the turtles to take on an evil warlord person who wants to like, take over Japan. I think. They battle some evil people and hilarity ensues. Supposedly.

TMNT 3 was too childish. It didn't have anything but some slapstick humor and fight scenes. I believe this was made in 1993, which was near the time when the Turtles reliquished their rule to the Power Rangers. The Turtles still had three more successful TV seasons before they made the switch to a live action show, but that sucked and did really badly. Movie 3 was basically an attempt to bring up interest in the Ninja Turtles, but it didn't work too well.

Obviously this is a blemish on the acne-free skin of the Ninja Turtles. Which is why I apply a large quantity of:

One out of four crazed Mikeys!

There is some talk of John Woo making a CGI Ninja Turtles movie, and that it would be based off the original comic. This means it would be dark, gritty and probably rated PG-13 or R. Rawk. If it were anyone other than John Woo I would have to dismiss this as crap in the pipes, but I think that he may pleasantly surprise everyone.

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