Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Review By: Joe

Well! So it's more like the book is it?! I CARE. I read the book when I was -8 years old and I don't remember it so I can't tell how true this is. What I CAN tell is that the original film is MUCH BETTER. So POOP to your COUNTRY.

I can sum up the problems with this new movie very simply indeed. Oh yes I can.

I don't mind what Johnny Depp did with the Willy Wonka character (although I liked Gene Wilder much better) but I find it interesting that it was this movie that took the book's title CHARLIE and the Chocolate Factory while the original film was called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory because they probably should trade! Reason being, this new one is COMPLETELY FOCUSED on the character of Willy Wonka, likely because Depp and Tim Burton are butt-blood brothers (which is as gross as it sounds).

The flashbacks from Willy Wonka's past (which I really, really don't think were in the book, but I could be wrong) were actually pretty witty and funny but, still, between these and listening to Johnny Depp say things, you is left wadin' deep in Depp! HAHAHA wordplay of sorts. Once the characters of the children and their parents are introduced, they say almost nothing (nothing of much consequence at any rate) and go largely unused. Charlie's lines are all random PRYING questions just to give Willy Wonka another reason to have a flashback. "OH WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST PIECE OF CANDY MR. CHONKA CHONKA HMMMM?!" SHUT IT, CHARLES.

The characters (or lack thereof) are the biggest problem here, if you ask me. One more note about them: what the hell is up with Mike TeeVee's character here? In the old one, he just watched too much TV. Now he plays video games which make him violent and then he watches TV and then he is a science boy who cares too much about logic to enjoy candy. HUH?! WHICH IS IT?! LOUSY!

The other problems are basically that nothing looks as cool as it did in the old film. The candy forest or whatever the hell just looks weird, like your average Tim Burton film, not appetizing and FANCIFUL. FANCIFUL!!! Like it did in the original. In general, as my friend put it, the film is just a lot darker so it's not as fun to look at it. Also, the boat ride is boring, not freaky and trippy and scary like it was back when it was the 70's. The Oompa Loompas are all played by one midget and he is NOT orange with green hair. BORIINNG DESKA. (some of the Oompa Loompa songs are kind of good though, even though you can't understand a damn thing they're saying) And the stuff that happens to the children, like Violet when she turns into a blueberry, has been accentuated by dirty 3D animation and the way it was done originally, much more simply, was far cooler. FUCK!

Maybe I would have felt different about this movie without the original one existing. I know this wasn't SUPPOSED to be a remake but considering it tackles the same subject matter, there are times where it can't help but feel like one anyway. I know people who enjoyed this film. Personally, though, I just didn't have that much fun. I would just suggest renting the original. I mean, I didn't HATE this movie, I just don't particularly feel like it needed to be made.

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