The Village
Review By: Lauren

Hey there all you loyal LTMers out there! I have been gone doing better things (masturbating), but now I am back and you can stop wetting the bed at night. I decided to write this because Gringo came back and he sucks. And also Phenom has had more updates than me and he sucks too! Fuck Joe and that Clown (He's cool). Fuck everyone except me

Warning to all nerds: This review contains spoilers. So if you're a bitch and care about stuff like this then don't read it. But if you're super cool like all of us here at LTM, then you can go ahead and read. On second thought, if you're on this site at all then you're not cool and should consider moving out of your parents basement and dumping your 400lb. girlfriend.

This movie was written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, who also made The Sixth Sense and Signs. I am not a fan of scary or thriller type movies, but I did quite enjoy his first two movies. The previews for this movie looked good and people in my school where like, "Dude you have to see The Village, I creamed in my pants... like 8 times!", so I decided to give it a shot.

The movie starts in a small colonial town in the 1700s. Everybody is happy playing their Atari's or whatever people had back then. Then someone (that guy with a scar on his lip from Signs) goes into the forbidden woods! ":-O OMG WTF, NO!" Everyone shouts. Then "Those we do not speak of" show up in the village and mark red paint on the door. Oh shit! Not the red paint! Red paint is "the bad color". And it attracts "Those we do not speak of". At first I thought they were talking about Vauldermont from Harry Potter, but then I realized that Harry Potter sucks my balls, and I shouldn't even know who Vauldermont is. But I don't know how to spell Vauldermont so that makes up for it a little.

Later things get badder! This retarded guy stabs another retarded guy (Scar Lip) and Scar's girlfriend must travel through the woods and into the town to get medicine. But there is a problem. Actually there are a lot of problems! Like the script! One problem is that "those we do not speak of" live in the woods. And second the girlfriend is blind! So the town elders show the girl that "those we do not speak of" are actually just costumes that look like George Bush that the town elders wear. So this is where the movie starts to suck. The evil creatures are not real, which completely ruined it for me. The villagers never even killed any of them, and Bush never killed any villagers. Bummer.

So the girl goes into the woods and I will not tell you the ending. The Suspense!

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