Planet Of The Apes
Review By: Joe

Wow, who didn't smell this one stinking from a mile away? Well, apparently not everyone. I did though. Yay for me! First of all, it'a remake (or, um, a re-realization...or..something?) of the classic film (surprise, surprise) Planet of the Apes. This in itself makes you wonder "Why?" because if the original was a classic, it was obviously something really good. Of course, generally remakes are of old, classic movies that a lot of people liked and that were done just right the first time around which is why all remakes ever should be deemed illegal right now. As I said this is really a re-realization or some shit which means they didn't just redo the first movie with different, crappier actors and lots of unnecessary extra computer effects (although they have some of those too). Instead, they changed the story almost completely. Yes, there is a planet. Yes, the planet is full of apes that walk and talk. Yes, it has Charlton Heston in it. That's about where the similarities end between this Planet of the Apes and the original film.

The plot of this film goes something like this. This spaceman sends his monkey out into space to investigate a storm and the monkey disappears so then he goes out himself because that monkey is muy, muy importante to him. The storm, as it turns out, makes you time travel into the future. So crazy. Then he crash lands on a planet (he does it again later, I swear this fucker couldn't land a pig (pigs are easy to fly (parenthesis within parenthesis = fun!))). The planet has monkeys on it that can talk and are not nice. It also has people that aren't monkeys (humans, yes?) and they like run away from the monkeys and stuff. Losers.

One of the people who isn't a monkey is this chick who is a supermodel named Estella Warren. The world of supermodeling is a painful and strenuous world. Fortunately for her, though, she was rescued by Tim Burton (our illustrious director) who said "Hey!". That's right, he said "Hey!". "Hey!" is what he said! He said "Hey! This girl is a supermodel but hey!". "Hey!" he said. He said "Hey! I bet she can act!!". That Tim Burton is a king amongst men.

Now, although Tim Burton may undeniably have a heart of gold but that doesn't mean he was necessarily right. It's my belief that Estella Warren actually can't act (gasp!). However! That witty Tim Burton figured out a way for the audience to never figure it out! Estella gets very few lines and mostly just runs around and looks pretty. Actually, now that I think about it, pretty much everyone that isn't a monkey in this film is just like that (although some of them are less pretty). However, there are still some fatal mistakes Timmy made with Ms. Warren. Let us go over what he did right and what he did wrong. Positive: As I said, she had few lines and therefore didn't have to actually attempt any real acting. Positive: he put her in the skimpiest outfit out of all the other characters in the film. Negative: No focusing on her breasts while she ran. Negative: Few shots of her sitting down when her legs are more exposed. Negative: SHE'S A SUPERMODEL.

I know nearly all the negatives are just about how we should have been shown more of Estella Warren's impressive physique and this makes me look like some sort of male chauvinist. But don't go taking it that way! All I am saying is that he clearly had the woman there to act as eye candy. If he wanted someone who could actually deliver lines he could've gotten a real actress, looker or not. Since she had very little acting to do, it seems quite clear to me that Estella was there for the gawking and all I'm saying is that if you're gonna hire a chick to be eye candy, use her for the fucking eye candy. I mean you don't pay a prostitute to read Charles Dickens to you, now do you?! Get my point? No?! Fuck you!

By the way, the actor who crash lands on the ape planet is played by Mark Wahlberg who, and not everyone may know this, used to be known as Marky Mark. You know, from Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. No, seriously, Marky Mark. That's right, the guy who dropped his pants and rapped while some lady went "GOOD VIBRATIOOOONNNSS". It's completely beyond me as to why he gave that up and started acting in crappy movies like this. I mean, come now! He was Marky Mark! AND THE FUNKY BUNCH NO LESS!!!! Ludicrous. Simply ludicrous.

Anyway, Marky Mark lands on this planet, right? Then the apes beat him up and he accidentally grabs one's foot at some point and he says "Get your hands off me you damn, dirty human!!". AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GET IT?! CHARLTON HESTON SAID THAT IN THE FIRST ONE EXCEPT HE SAID 'APES' INSTEAD OF 'HUMAN'!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ISN'T THAT JUST SO...cheesy? Yes. Yes it is. Oh, while we're on cheesy quote reuse...I mentioned that Mr. Heston (I LOVES ME SOME GUNS!) was in this new film, right? Yeah, well, he plays a dying old monkey. You know what he says before he dies? He says "Damn them, damn them all to hell". HEY JUST LIKE IN THE ORIGINAL ONE. This effectively gets rid of any possible drama the scene might have had. It's also really forced and cheesy. Yay!

Okay, let's see how I can finish this up without saying much more because I tire of this greatly. Basically, Marky Mark gets captured by the apes and escapes really really easily. This movie just speeds along like a bitch! He takes a bunch of humans with him (yes of course he takes the supermodel chick). He also takes these two monkeys who like humans but overall are really not needed in the movie in the least because it is so easy to escape from stupid apes! One has the hots for Marky Mark. That is no good! Besides, we all know the supermodel chick is the one he is supposed to bone.

Anyway, I stopped caring about this movie and this review long ago so let me make my 'important' points now so I can stop typing this and go play video games and stop the bleeding in my mouth. Now, besides the fact that I feel like this movie had no need to be made whatsoever, let me give you the other reason I hold so much animosity towards it. Well, it was directed by Tim Burton. Tim Burton used to direct good movies. All his movies had a weird, wacky style to them that I really enjoyed. Therefore, I respected him as a director and I don't respect many directors because usually it's just like "OH LOOK I DID PUT THE CAMERA HERE AT THIS TIME!". Who cares so long as I can see what's going on? However, some directors have their own distinct style. Tim Burton was one of these directors at one time. Some of his movies weren't great (Mars Attacks sucked like nobody's business) but at least they had that odd style that was all his. Planet of the Apes just throws his style completely out the window.

I mean, I know he wasn't an independent director or anything but in this movie it looked like he was just thinking "Now what is everyone else doing to make a shitty action movie? Hey, I can do that too!!". And he's got it all! He put in the protagonist who seems to know what to do all the time!!! He put in the hot chick that falls in love with the protagonist even though they hardly got to know each other in the least. He put in the enemy that's just so fucking evil that they just have to bash it into your head repeatedly that he's evil. Look at him with his scowling! Can't you see he is evil?! Ooh rrg! I'd say the only Hollywood requirement he missed was a sex scene between the protagonist and the hot chick. Whoopsie! Anyway, Tim Burton's style is essentially extinguished completely in this movie. That's a shame that is. The word 'sellout' comes to mind...and I hate that word.

Oh, about it being an action movie. That's one of the things that's very wrong with this movie. For one, it wasn't a good idea to take a good movie and make it into a crappy Hollywood action flick. However, it actually isn't really an action movie. The commercials make it look like one but it's actually just a poopy film with some less than spectacular action sequences. It'd be one thing to have only a couple less than thrilling action sequences if there was an interesting storyline that I actually cared enough to pay attention to. Since there isn't they could have at least shoved in a bunch of nifty action sequences to hold my interest. Since there aren't many and they really are pretty lame action sequences, there's just nothing here for me to give a shit about. This movie is just...there. I could've not seen it and the only difference in my life would have been that I wouldn't have written this review. Overall, I'd rather I'd dedicated that one and a half to two hours (I dunno how long it was) to something else.

This movie is crap. It's not the worst thing I've ever seen but as I said it's more just like a thing that sits there and doesn't give me any reason to care about it. I'm probably being overly harsh to it because I took time after the movie to make myself hate it more. I do that a lot. Originally, I just thought it was dumb. Now I dislike it much more. Also, I'm disappointed in Tim Burton. I dunno, a lot of people will actually probably like this movie. Too bad I am so anger in the face. Oh and can I just add that the ending was shit and had a big plot hole in it that they basically made you fill in yourself? I call that shoddy scripting. It's one thing to leave an ending open as to what could happen but they left out an explanation for something that you basically have to make up for yourself and I think that's bullshit. Also, the ending tried to mimic the impact of the Statue of Liberty scene in the original and it's a rather poor attempt. Anyway, to sum up, fuck this movie. I want my eight bucks back.


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