Review By: Gringo

After watching Troy, I discovered the following:

•     Brad Pitt has big muscles
•     Peter O' Toole is old
•     Eric Bana is good when he's not the Hulk
•     Orlando Bloom has a face you wouldn't tire of punching
•     Some woman is fairly attractive
•     An army fooled another by hiding in a big wooden horse

This movie should have been subtitled Homer For Idiots. The script mashes together a bunch of historic tales by Homer, a sage who wrote some tomes with names like The Odyssey and The Iliad. I don't like them because it means I have to change to italics every time I put in their names, which takes an extra two seconds doing the HTML layout for this page. I hate extra work. Quite why I label movie, book, game and television show names in italics is lost on me, but like excessive masturbation it's a habit I'm unable to break.

Speaking of which, don't you hate that vaguely guilty feeling just after you've ejaculated a potential Einstein, Franklin, Roosevelt or Hitler out of your body, with nowhere for the little sperm creatures to go?

Someone I'm sure has had millions of people masturbating over his pictures (there's a cheery thought about the benefits of celebrity) is Brad Pitt. He plays Achilles, a fearsome warrior who wants his day of glory on the battlefield so his name will live through the ages. He's up against two brothers, played by Eric Bana and Orlando Bloom. Bana plays a masculine warrior who wants glory and honour in life. Bloom plays a sissy creep who just wants lots of hot, men-wearing-skirts, ancient history sex.

I saw this movie in a smelly, cramped cinema in the middle of some smelly, cramped mall in the middle of smelly, cramped Los Angeles. None of those factors alter the reality that this movie is overlong and, if you can look past the $100m sets, pretty shallow. You get a lot of sword-clashing, face-smacking, chest-stabbing violence in the several fight scenes, but not a great deal of intelligence. Yes, I get the irony of writing that, asshole.

At one point, a wizened old man (played by wizened old man stereotype O' Toole) says something suitably heavy to Achilles about his future. This one deep moment in the movie subsides quickly. It's over in about one minute, as Achilles more or less says, "Hmm!" and then goes back to cutting the heads off his enemies. It's a bit like a cinematic equivalent of a Troy video game, which is also inevitably in production. Although the plot is thin and there isn't much drama, when you press the A and B buttons together, the death combo moves sure look pretty.

I wouldn't particularly recommend going to see Troy if you want an intelligent historical epic. But I would recommend going to see this movie for one very simple reason: you get to watch a scene in which Orlando Bloom (who has come across as a cunt in every interview I've read or seen him featured in) gets beaten up, stabbed, laughed at, and runs away from a fight like a coward. Yay! Oh, how I'd love to exterminate Bloom...uh, I mean exterminate Bloom's character in this movie. Yeah.

Speaking of, Adolf Hitler was one unoriginal bastard. I quickly came to the belief that the thug stole his idea for World War II from Homer. For example, the plot of Troy follows Achilles and his band of merry fighters, as they, much like the Nazis, have to follow wacky world domination orders. They're told where to go and who to attack by Agamemnon, a fat, bearded Greek version of the German loon. Agamemnon's warriors have no respect for other people's religions (hello, Jewish population) and when they eventually launch a full-scale attack on the city of Troy (read: Europe) hundreds of innocent people die.

Remember: if it wasn't for Homer, World War II would never have happened.

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