Envy
Review By: Lauren

Hello my faithful constituents. It's time for more exquisite and in-depth reviews from your favorite critic, Pimp Master Daddy Smooth Ice Lauren. And by exquisite and in-depth, I mean appalling and full of curse words. Success! Read it, asshole. Unless you are Canadian and cannot read. Then you should go play hockey, you barbarian.

My cousin and my brother wanted me to go see this, but I attested against its viewing. For one, I had seen the commercials and therefore half the damn movie, and for two, you have to sell your liver or take out a loan from the mob to see a movie these days. Not to mention the prices of condiments:

Movie Clerk: What can I get for you?
Me: Some popcorn?
Movie Clerk: Ok. That will be $47,000 or the release of Saddam Hussein.

Terrorist sons-a-bitches. Anyway, on to the review.

First off, Jack Black and Ben Stiller rock the cocks off my socks. Envy: 1. And that is the only thing this movie had going for it. Envy starts off with shitty Johnny Cash style folk country music playing. Envy: -1 Then Jack and Ben are carpooling to work at there desk jobs in a factory. Uh-oh boys! The performance charts are in. Ben is looking good, while Jack is "in the red" for his focus. Jack explains that he is too much of a dreamer and Ben sets him straight! And Jack falls asleep! Let me repeat that tasty little nugget of comic genius: He falls the fuck asleep! It's usually not a good movie when this is the funniest thing in the entire movie.

On the way home from work, Jack gets the idea to make a spray that makes dog shit disappear. "That will never work, retard," says Ben. But guess what, dick face? It fucking does! Jack gives Ben a chance to get in on the action but Ben refuses, saying how dumb it is. So Jack Black gets rich, and Ben Stiller gets jealous! Cue shitty folk music!

I am not even kidding when I say that this is the only movie I have ever considered walking out of. A few of the wiser people in the audience did. The first 30 minutes felt like 4 hours. I hated it worse than Dream Catcher.

K, I feel better. Christopher Walken, the phenomenal actor often seen in mobster movies, shows up as a con artist. And convinces Ben to shoot the windows out of Jack's house! Because that's obviously the fucking logical thing to do. So Ben (henceforth referred to as Pecker Munch) does it, kills Jack's (henceforth referred to as Fag-Ass) horse. So Pecker Munch gets scared and buries the horse. The next day Fag-Ass is sad and cries like a pussy-eating vagina because his horse died. Things start to fall apart for Pecker Munch until he confesses to Fag-Ass. Then they become partners until it is discovered that the cleverly named, Va-Poorize is an environmental no-no and George W. has something to say about it.

Then they are poor.


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