Kill Bill
Review By: Joe

Doody! Everyone is laughing? Good. And, thus, we begin.

So, ok, listen. My name is Quentin Tarantino and my ego is as big as a house. A house, I tell you! Now, do you know things much bigger than a house? Surely you don't because there is nothing bigger. No, Virginia, there is nothing bigger. Stop it, Virginia! You go back in the closet! Back and the closet and stay there, Virginia! STAY FOREVER!!

See, the story of Kill Bill getting split up into two volumes (the first one is called volume 1 and the second one is called volume 2 for some reason I will never understand) goes like this...at least, I think I read somewhere that it goes like this and if I am wrong oh well but I think this is accurate.

Basically, Quentin Tarantino goes "Oh, boy. My silly little revenge movie is so important that I need to make it ridiculously long so that I can fit in the eye squshy scene."

Movie studio says: "Quentin, this is the longest movie since Lord of the Rings which had a very important and deep storyline so that's allowed to be long and everyone has to like it because it was a book...three even!"

Quentin goes: "My movie is importanter. I care for it to be long!"

Movie studio explicato: "Cut it down, Quentin, cut it down!"

Quentin: "REFUSAL! I AM QUENTIN! DID YOU SEE FROM DUSK TILL DAWN?! SHUT UP! I MAKE LONG! MY BED SHEETS CHANGED COLORS RECENTLY!"

Movie estudio por favor: "Fine then! Split it up, Quentin, split it up!"

Quintana: "Ok, sure, I guess."

So you know how people who aren't as smart as you are went to see Kill Bill Uno and came back like "DUDE, NEGRO! MOST AMAZING FILM EVER BEST FILM EVER BEST EVER FILM I AM IMPRESSED BY BLACK AND WHITE AND BLOOD AND VIOLENCE AND ANIME SEQUENCE!" Well, Joe is smarter than those people and has a Quentin-sized ego so he will tell you that NO! Kill Bill Vol. 1 was not the best movie ever! On top of which, if you add the second part to it (because I mean, technically, it is supposed to be only ONE film, right?) then I give you this verdict: TOO LONG.

Here's a story! The first time I went to see Kill Bill Vol. 1, I nearly passed out at the part where Daryl Hannah is going to give Uma Thurman a syringe of death. That's right, you heard me. I'm almost fainted like a pussy girl! This is a problem I have that the origins of which have never been discovered even though they brainscanned my brain and stuff. Scary, no?! My body is fragile like leaf upon wind current! I've gone out twice before (for mere seconds mind you) and this time I actually managed to ward off the passies although not without freaking out the people I was with and spilling soda all over my friend's seat which he had to sit in for the rest of the film. Yay! I am a ball to take anywhere!

Anyway, I did not feel well after my near-blackout experience so I went to the bathroom and stayed there for a VERY LONG TIME. How long you ask? Well, I missed from the syringe scene and came back when Uma was in Japan driving beside cars. Yes! I missed quite a bit! The anime part and Sonny Chiba most notably! I saw it again later but I thought you might enjoy hearing that. Right, anyway.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 was entertaining to watch and, really, that's about it. The parts that moved more slowly contrasted rather sharply with the crazy action of the rest of the film and came off as boring, I thought! Really, though, there was very little film here. I saw it as little more than entertainment because the gratuitous violence was really rather nicely filmed and cool to look at. Quentin was really just playing with a bunch of different film genres. That doesn't really make a good film. It does make something entertaining to look at though.

This film is really very silly! I mean, listen to Vivica A. Fox say "bitch" every other word, look at that Uma drive around a car that says "Pussy Wagon" on it, look how she brings her sword on an airplane, and look how that blood spurts! Quentin is clearly a big joker and he knows he is being silly here which is fine except that he's also trying to pass this film off as some kind of epic so how can I take you seriously, Quentin, when one of your lines is the Trix cereal slogan? Very corny, Quentin! VERY CORNY.

I enjoyed the first volume overall. The anime part did look very cool. And so did a lot of other stuff...and that's really the only reason I liked it. It looked cool and the violence was funny and entertaining. Best movie ever? No. It's not even a full movie. Shut up! I recommend watching it without nearly passing out.

Kill Bill Vol. 2 is a very different animal and, as such, a lot of the stupid kids who liked the first one don't like this one and a lot of the stupid kids who think everything Quentin does is gold like it just as well. Volume 2, I think, is really better film-wise. It concerns itself a lot more with the pasts and relationships of the characters, rather than just showing them all getting brutally slaughtered. It's also seems a tad less silly. The Pussy Wagon isn't in there at all (I think) and blood doesn't fly anywhere near as much. There are jokey joke parts but they actually function pretty well. I mean, really, who doesn't like Pai Mei and his beard-flipping comedy? Only commies! I also liked Daryl Hannah's overacted line delivery when she says "I killed your mastah!" Tee hee!

Even though I think the second volume is more respectable, I probably enjoyed the first one more because of the very simple reason that it was cooler to watch what with all the violence and craziness. The second volume just moves too slowly. It's absolutely bursting with very long expanses of dialogue that really do just go on a bit too long. When the action does come back, it's definitely welcome, even though it really only happens once. The ending battle, by the way, is very disappointing but, at the same time, didn't bug me that much for whatever reason.

SO! I think the second movie is better but the first one was more fun to watch! What does this mean? I say, IT MEANS THIS SHOULD'VE BEEN ONE MOVIE, QUENTIN. FRANKLY, I can't see why some of the flashbacks in the second movie couldn't have been placed somewhere within the first (except, I guess, to conceal Bill earlier on). I definitely think the second part would benefit from more action sequences. Plus, in the end, this isn't a very deep story you're dealing with here, Quentin. You don't really have that much to say with it so why can't you just make it one movie, huh?

Seems to me, with a little less ego and a lot more editing, we could have had one overall stronger and more entertaining film rather than two lopsided, albeit cool, movies. I can already think of stuff I'd cut out. We don't need so much with the little girl being little girl and we DEFINITELY do NOT need the lecture from Bill about Superman. Seriously, he spends like five minutes talking about freaking Superman. I mean, come now. Oh, I will commend Quentin for making fun of his own dialogue being long-winded as it is occurring but that doesn't mean he shouldn't have cut it down anyway.

SO, in conclusion, I, my opinion mattering more than all others in the world, enjoyed Kill Bill as one whole movie but, like this review, it should have been shorter and it should have been put together better. David Carradine is actually pretty cool here and Quentin made Uma look pretty hot most of the time even though I don't really think she is all that hot so that's good. I guess you might do that when you have a crazy obsession with someone.

I'm sure it won't happen but I would love the studio to mangle and manhandle Quentin's movie and release a normal-sized cut on DVD. I bet it'd be sweet. Honestly, isn't part of good filmmaking being able to fit all your ideas into a reasonable amount of time and not just letting your ego take things to absurd proportions? Or am I just talking out my ass? HAHA DON'T ANSWER THAT! WHAHARHARHAFHASFHaSHFDASHDAHAHSHS!!


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