American Outlaws
Review By: Darth Phenom

Now see here, ya varmints. This here was meant to be a review about an anime series called Naruto but I just decided to change my mind because I hate the yellow man. I also am not funny. I hate you Yankees and you foreigners too.

Now this here's a fine film we got. We gots us some cattle and some of them ol' western shootin' stuff. Some o' them little yankee pussies are running their little mouths over its un-originality or some crap like that. See, I wish we got three million of 'em back in the day. Hell yeah, we would have damn won that there Civil War if it weren't for the bleedin' heart liberals allowing them negros into our schools. Oh, gee whiz, there I go a gettin' all political on y'all right there. My most sincere apologies.

So we gots here a film about a feller named Jessie James. See here, he's one of them outlaw folks. A Yankee corporation sees fit to burn his mama's farm to make way for their goddamned railway track. Them Yankees and their newfangled contraptions. Nothin' good can ever come out of a damn thing like a railway, y'all mark my words. Anyhoo, we gots us a damn funny joke in one of the scenes right here, pardner. Now see here, one of them Yankee fellers talks about expanding the railway west. So Mr. Jesse James implies that if it had to go east it would end up underwater. Bwahahaha! I tell y'all, that about had me laughing so hard I damn near choked on my moonshine.

Eventually, after them no good Yankees done burnin' mama's farm, Mr. Jessie James decides to give 'em all a taste of Southern Justice. Soon they all be a busy quakin' in them boots already. By the way, Mr. James is a damn fine Civil War hero, doncha know? Yes, siree, a ginuwine American hero right here. He's about to make them Yankees pay for their sins. So up he rounds a good ol' fashioned crew o' Southerners to get them damn Yankees. I don't quite appreciate that band either.

However, it turns out Mr. James has a love interest all of his own! A fine ol' fashioned Southern Belle who I am unable to recall the name of at this juncture. Anyway, one day while the happy couple are out swimmin' in the lake them damn Yankees and foreign folk point guns at them. Their cowardice knows no boundaries it would appear.

But it seems we're gettin' a bit ahead of ourselves right here. As I was saying, Mr. Jesse James and his band go around branding them Yankees and foreign folk with their own interpretation of Southern Justice. Yes, siree. Them boys go out a shootin' them heathens and detonatin' the spawn of Satan railway track. This here's a damn fine production, I do say.

Maybe I am revealin' a bit much of the plot here and there for y'all. Be warned though. That there plot's a little over-complicated. You're a gonna be needin' one hefty brain not to lose track of it, y'all. I tell y'all, it even made my head spin at times and even managed to get one 'C' in that there eighth grade. I may be one of the smarter fellers in this here town but see I be tellin' y'all it's one difficult to grasp plot right there. You're a probably gonna have to see it about three times or so to really git in on it. All of them complex things like railway hold-ups, a darin' scene when Jesse James displays better acrobiotic skills than that there yella Chang Wang feller. One damn fine film I tell y'all. Damn fine.

In this god-forsaken accursed age of Yankee productions featuring negros and yella men it's finally good to see a really fine production which the whole family can enjoy. Y'all got one of them new fangled Betamax devices? Finally some new entertainment for the Family Reunion! Now believe me when I tell y'all this here's about good 'nuff to replace Runaway Bride at theatres all across the South. Now if that ain't no mean feat y'all ain't ever seen the Gettysburg re-enactment back in '89. Or Cletus High winning that there county foozball championship for five straight seasons. Yes siree.


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