Finally Yet Even More Life After Walt
Review By: Gringo

Oh my giddy lord. I really thought I'd stretched the comedy elastic as far as it'd go concerning reviews of Disney's animated features. But no! Then again, before you take a deep breath and read on, rest assured of one thing. This is definitely the last multiple-review article I'm doing about these movies. Sure, I'll review gems like The Adventures Of Gringo when they get made, but as far as these Life After Walt things are concerned? IT'S OVER, BABY, SO PACK YOUR BAGS! Or something. Probably a good thing after having done not one, not two, not even three but four of these damn articles. Perhaps what's the most disheartening thing is that the joke to word count ratio is currently standing at about 1:2,500. Which kind of limits the chances of a comedic breakthrough in this final one. I like those odds! Anyway, the idea is to review four Disney movies and generally point out the annoying trends in them like (a) every British person in the world is an evil bastard and (b) all the other points I can't be bothered to repeat. One more thing: the rule I started with about these movies being made after Walt Disney died (hence the title)...IS NO MORE!

Tarzan. I remember reading somewhere about the action figures they made for the Tarzan character in this movie. Apparently the first batch had this arm-action thing that made it look like everyone's favourite hunky jungle dweller was, for want of a finer description, jerking off. Sadly, they withdrew the toys from circulation before the porn magazine, tissue and cum accessory pack could get made. This is a pretty decent movie, even if Phil Collins does the songs. The voice acting is generally rather good, including Minnie Driver, whose outsized jaw always looks like it's got a lollipop stick jammed in it horizontally. Most people know the story of the man raised by apes who is introduced to civilisation by a bunch of jungle explorers and scavengers, so I don't need to explain that. Did you know Warner Brothers tried making a television series out of this story? They set it in present-day New York City and had Travis Fimmel (the Calvin Klein model who apparently has a big penis) playing the monosyllabic monkey boy. Yet despite bearing the hallmarks of successful WB series - apparently cute guys that can't act for shit and dumb, sexy women - it's not being made anymore. Oh well!

Sleeping Beauty. Imagine if you were destined to prick your finger on a certain birthday and fall into a deep sleep (or coma, if you want to be blunt about it), and the only thing that could save you would be to get a kiss from a handsome prince? I know I'd sign up for that, but only if he'd indulge in a little bit of slap and tickle as well. Imagine that fate, because it's exactly what happens to Sleeping Beauty. As you can probably guess and indeed probably already know, she's put into this naughty state by an evil witch, only to be awoken by a regular old dashing prince. See, fairy tales really do have happy endings! I like my sleep, but no one ever kisses me awake. Not even Prince Charming himself! Instead I get a really annoying alarm going beep-beep-beep that doesn't even have a snooze button. Sometimes my cat will jump on my bed and demand attention. Then it's off to the hell that I call my job, to dream of handing my notice in and gaze out of the window. Oh, sorry, we were talking about Walt Disney or something? Okay, let's get onto the next movie, shall we?

The Hunchback Of Notre Dame. I very rarely judge people on appearances and certainly won't ignore an ugly person just because they happen to not have attractive features. But for fuck's sake, the hunchback is one disgusting bastard. His face is mashed up worse than Sloth from The Goonies and his hunch looks like someone took Orson Welles' belly and stapled it to Mr. Notre Dame's back. Plus, he's French and I'm British. History has so far taught me two things about French people. Firstly, with their help the Americans managed to complete a successful rebellion against Britain, leaving us stuck with a King and Queen and Yankees with an elected President. Secondly, as the war in Iraq revealed, French people are nothing more than moustache-twirling, cheese-eating shadows in the night that want to see the fall of America and the rise of Saddam. Or so Darth Phenom and the US government would have us believe anyway. Because I'm prone to brainwashing, I'll just accept it and say that the hunchback is French and therefore a naughty. As a result, this move is a supreme naughty. you think I masked the fact that I haven't seen it? You did? Thanks! That's so kind of you to say!

Treasure Planet. This is another Disney animated feature that I haven't seen but feel completely at liberty to write about in either a derogatory or positive manner. I haven't decided which yet. I'll make up my mind in the next 200-words or so. In the meantime, let me tell you about my friend. I have a mobile phone (yes, I'm a prick and no, that's not the friend I'm talking about) and one of its uses is text messages. I got one such message from my friend the other day. It read "SPOOKIE BLACK MAN" and yes, it was all in capital letters. I have no idea why he sent it. That's the end of the story! Something about this movie reeks of horrible futuristic nonsense. It never works when people take old stories and stick them in the future, so I'll just assume this movie falls flat and isn't very good. Having said that, I would kind of like to see Around The World In 80 Seconds and Tom Sawyer P.I.: 2020. It couldn't be any worse than making, say, Dracula 2000. Oh, wait a minute...there's a prize for anyone who saw that joke coming. And for anyone that doesn't even get the joke, well done, you're in a majority.

Well, there you have it. After five articles (including this one) I've managed to do mini-reviews of 20 Disney animated movies, and of those about 10% were genuinely funny. Then again, I was in the bottom set at school for maths. Yes, I wrote maths, not math as you foolish Americans are so prone to scribbling. As you'll have seen at the top of this article, I chose the very ugly name Finally Yet Even More Life After Walt. I think I can promise you there won't be another. And that's a real promise, not one of those half-meant promises made by husbands who beat up their wives and say - while their spouse is lying in a crumpled, bloody, crying heap - "I promise I won't do it again" before smacking them around the head three days later for burning dinner. Although this site is fairly obviously not prone to excellent standards of grammar, there is no possible way I can extend the title any more. I mean, Finally Yet Even More Life After Walt barely makes sense. What would possible come next if I tried another article? Definitely Finally Yet Even More Life After Walt? Oh shit, I've just had the most terrible idea.

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