The Ring [Darth's Opinion]
Review By: Darth Phenom

This shit sucks. Don't see it. The end.*

Apparently I have been informed that will not suffice as the type of quality journalism LTM has become renowned for so you'll have to read more of this drivel. I suppose you could just close this window you probably have open now but think of the fun you will be missing! I suppose it is customary to begin with a plot description so I will do just that.

Once upon a time in a sleepy village in the Shire, a hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins did indeed come across a Ring. This Ring had the power to make little girls appear from television screens where they could be ravaged and sold into sex slavery as the Ringbearer saw fit. Apparently the Dark Lord (yo, why it always dark evil yo? Ain't nevar no Honky Lord. Dem whitebred crackers and dere shit. We just be workin' for da man.) desires this ultimate power and thus it must be returned to the video store whence it came. This shit all making sense? No? Haha, you done 'bout stupider than a Islam terrorist folk.

I suppose I could tell you some more about this movie but I have a very interesting story instead! See, the other day I walked past a house with a fence and gate but the gate was open and a dog was lying there. I was thinking "Jimminy! It sure is the end of me now!" But instead the dog simply ran to the fence instead of out the gate and it simply barked at me. This little tail ties into the review of the movie because it is utterly pointless. As is the movie. Surely you marvel at my cleverness?

The Ring features some blonde haired bitch who was in American Pie, I think. I can't be bothered to find that shit out. It will make no difference to my lucrative contract. I suppose her performance isn't really too bad. She sure screams like a mother fucker being assraped like there was no tomorrow at regular intervals. As far back as I can remember, no one else on this waste of plastic delievers a very memorable performance. I suppose the graphics are pretty good too.

I only managed to enjoy one scene throughout the entire movie. I suggest immediately firing up your Kazaa machine and downloading this movie but immediately cancel it after about five minutes. You will get to enjoy this scene too. This scene will trick you into believing you're in for a really fun ride but oh, will you be deceived! This scene provides an informative portray of the bisexual behaviour of suburban white American teenage girls. Sorry, but I'm lying. It's basically just a rip-off of every horror picture you have ever seen before but it is quite entertaining. I don't really remember.

To be honest, I was more interested in my own fascinating thoughts than the vile wretch of something bad that is the plot of this production. I believe I was concerning myself over the lack of cheese in communist Cambodia so that should give you some hint that if you see this movie you are a stupid. I suppose you might like this if you a retard living in somewhere like Seattle or Vancouver. You probably also believe Green Day are the greatest band of all time. I have this to tell you: you are fucking stupid. You are descended from stupid people because only an idiot would want to live somewhere where it rains everyday except um... I don't know. Tuesday? You are still retarded. Shut up.

The DVD has a limited amount of features but it was the European version. So that means less features because they only have a limited amount of space left over because all the homosexual liberal Europeans require dubbing in their own little languages. Morons. The only language dubbing should be provided for is Russian. The reason for this is that generally the Russian actors are far more passionate than their English counterparts not to mention that Russian is a far more passionate and exciting language. This provides a better overall experience even if you don't speak a single word of Russian. I suggest attempting this sometime and choosing English subtitles. I think I am currently intoxicated but anyway!

Now there is an obvious con of dubbing besides the waste of space. Usually, French will be provided to. This is an enormous travesty. Them Frenchies... You know, if they were running the world Richard Nixon would still be running Iran! A scary thought, I know. Besides, they have sucky planes and tanks and stuff and they're all foreigners over there. I wonder if they even have faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ.

That is another flaw of The Ring. It will most likely only appeal to liberals and Canadians but there is no reason to complain! Liberals are poor and do you have any idea how bad the economy of Canada is? Well, it's worse than FRANCE's! Hahaha! They will never make any money off this tripe. Maybe that will mean Hollywood will never bother with this sort of alternative-horror genre thang again. The joke is on them. Heh!

In conclusion, The Ring is no good. If you are currently after some exciting horror get yourself a copy of Silent Hill 3 or something but don't see this. If you enjoy this, consider yourself to be a victim of the Liberal Inquisition when Uncle Dubya finally gets his way. Yeeha.

*GRINGO NOTE!!!!!!!!! Guest reviewer Teal Dude also wrote a review of this movie, which you can read here. Popular choice, clearly.


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