Puppet Master V: The Final Chapter
Review By: Gringo

I always start my reviews of this movie series by plugging earlier articles I've written about the demonic puppet killing beasts, so I'll get that out the way right now. Unnecessary linking time! To refresh your memory of the four preceding chapters in the Puppet Master saga, click here first, then here, followed by a click here and lastly another click right here. Done that? No? Okay, don't tell me, just lie and say you did, and we'll continue. So, I was looking over those four reviews before deciding to write up my opinion of this, the fifth in the Andre Toulon (the Puppet Master in question) saga. And I thought "Jinkies!" Yes, jinkies! If you think about it, each review is about 1,500 words or more in length. That means I've already written more than 4,500 unfunny words about this shitfest of a series. It's longer than some of the essays I copied from the Internet - and by that, I mean worked hard on - back in university. Damn it! Oh well, it's too late to stop now. Might as well keep going! This, as you've probably already guessed, is the fifth time a bunch of murderous mannequin miniatures (alliteration hurts everyone!) have been released to go kill some Z-list actors.

This movie was subtitled The Final Chapter. Why, I don't know. I assume the makers thought they'd lucked out by managing to get four of these unintentional comedies produced, and didn't bet on getting any more than a fifth out to unsuspecting home video players. It's a continuation of Puppet Master IV's story line, giving the series its first attempt at coherence across two movies. Don't forget, we've gone from murderous puppets who kill for fun (the first movie) to a quest for brain juice (the second). That in turn took us to puppets-turned-good slaying Nazis (the third, and really only watchable movie) to some nonsense about a demon from the underworld wanting to kill the puppets (the fourth entry). So where does that leave us now? Well, you might recall some industrial corporations were trying to steal the secret of how Andre Toulon brought his puppets to life. This time round, a representative of the Omega Corporation - why does everything sound so cliché in movies like this? - is on the same quest. But uh oh! Danger is following his trail like a naughty stalker! See, evil demon Sutek is trying to kill everything...ever, apparently, and has sent some mini-demons to Earth to fulfil this quest.

Back in the real world, doe-eyed youngster Rick is still the new Puppet Master, having taken over after Toulon went and died. Bizarrely, the ghost of Toulon still passes on messages to Rick via relatively new puppet Decapitron. Um. Decapitron is like a robot, and is seemingly powered by electricity, which makes the whole "secret of the puppets' ability to live" plot redundant. But anyway! Toulon tells Rick that Sutek is a nasty, and that there is some fighting to be done. Rick escapes (or he might have been released, I don't care) from perhaps the most minimum-security prison I've ever seen before being reunited with his puppets. He also gets to meet up with his girlfriend, who acts pretty nonchalant about the fact her boyfriend (a) has a box filled with living puppets, (b) has puppets with names like Blade and Tunneler and (c) is a dumb fuck with the stupidest haircut in the history of the world. Longest sentence ever! All good reasons to run away screaming, right? Wrong. Meanwhile, one of the staff from Omega - a stiff upper-lipped British type (because British + movies = evil) is ready to do himself some puppet stealing! All in the name of business!

Seems most of the puppets have taken refuge in the Bodega Bay Inn. You may remember this stunning location from the first two movies, being as it was Toulon's home in America when he was the Invisible Man. Just let that last sentence pass. This means the movie has already set up its finale. Snooty Brit (for that is now his name) and his three hick henchmen go to the hotel to try and find the puppets. Rick and his whore go the hotel to try and find the puppets. Sutek's demons go to the hotel to try and kill absolutely everyone. And so it goes. The three henchmen are predictably killed off in near-record time (I think Sutek's mini-demon does most of the killing, making the puppets' involvement in this movie somewhat limited). However, amusingly, I think one of the henchmen was the same guy who played one of the two rednecks in Pulp Fiction who try and get all medieval on (or just rape) Bruce Willis' ass. That's what you get for rape! Murdered by a demon from another world! For a movie so unnecessarily long, it's amazing there isn't one genuine minute of tension, suspense or horror in the entire production.

Well, apart from the tension of guessing if the end credits are finally going to roll, and the inevitable relief that comes when they do. Let me be honest (because I'm such a liar). This movie isn't good. It isn't even worth watching in a post-modern "oh so bad it's funny" kind of way. It's just bad. While the third movie was okay, and that was only marked redeemable because you got to see a lot of Nazis get cut up, not another single entry in the series is worth watching. You might even ask if that's the case, why do I bother to continuing writing too many words about each movie in the series? You might ask that! And I might ignore the question! Back to the review! With his henchmen dead, Snooty Brit has no option other than staggering around the cheap, dimly-lit faux hotel set and pretend to look scared. He sees the puppets running around and says some dialogue I don't remember. All the time Rick is busy trying to bring Decapitron back to life (switch on the electricity, perhaps?) so that Sutek's wacky demons can be exploded back from whence they came. Are you excited yet?

No? Don't worry, I'm not excited either. Snooty Brit manages to stumble into either an elevator or a corner (I don't exactly recall which of the two), where a veritable army of Toulon's evil puppets confronts him. Or good puppets, if you're on their side. So confusing! He says something like "I never did anything to you!" but the puppets aren't buying it and kill him in a very messy manner. Guess he won't be clocking in to the Omega Corporation come Monday morning! Naturally, that leaves just Rick, the puppets and Sutek's demons to slug it out in a show-stopping finale. Except it doesn't. Decapitron is revived, and along with the rest of the puppets, heads down to the lobby of the hotel to go and kick some demonic ass. The cheap production values of this movie rear their ugly head again, as the demons attack the puppets, Decapitron fires some kind of laser beam from his head, and everyone explodes. No, genuinely, everyone explodes. There's little bits of puppet strewn all over the lobby afterwards. Naturally, this would have been a great place to leave the series. The puppets are dead, the demons are dead, and Sutek's plans for nasty have been averted. But did they stop there?

Did they fuck! After all the cheap destruction shots, the movie cuts forward to some time in the near future. Rick and his whore have been reunited, and...DUN DUN DUN...the puppets live once more! Yes, the dork has rebuilt them all, and also managed to bring them all back to life. Which means the producers had a carte blanche to create more stupid movies. Bizarrely - and thankfully - this is the last appearance of Puppet Master Rick, and the next movie has absolutely no connection with this one. Common sense prevails again! The lack of consistency is made all the funnier because, at the end of Puppet Master V: The Final Chapter, Toulon tells Rick how the puppets are his responsibility now - and for the rest of his life. And yet by the time of the next movie, Rick is nowhere in sight! Well, it made me laugh, anyway. There you have it. Another movie in the series reviewed and finally confined to the wasteland of my mind, never to be dwelled on again. That's the only good thing about these reviews for me - the mental cleansing of getting out everything I want to say about the series and being able to start on the long road to recovery.

Hey, look on the bright side! There are very few Puppet Master movies left to review now! We're more than halfway through! Sure, the ones coming up may happen to be the worst in the series, but that just makes them more loveable - like illegitimate children you fathered and have to visit on the quiet in case your wife finds out. See, Mr. Reader, I know all about your past! You bribe Gringo, and Gringo stays silent! Anyway, let's see what's left to review. Next up is Curse Of The Puppet Master which I promise is spectacularly badly-acted. Following that is the messy poop of a movie known as Retro Puppet Master, and rounding out the series (for now) is Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. I can't comment on the quality of that last entry - the eight in the series - because it hasn't even been released. Allegedly, Full Moon Pictures (who produced all the movies in the series) lost a lot of money or something, and haven't been able to get the movie out yet. Shame! Perhaps they should have tried making fewer cinematic sucks and more successes. So witty! With one-liners like that, the next Puppet Master review is bound to win the Pulitzer Prize. Or not.

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