My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Review By: Gringo

Option time! Either take the bite-size review of this movie, or read on for however many paragraphs I can string it out for. Choose now, but choose wisely, for while the right review will bring you relief, the wrong will make you look like a prick trying to put references to the Grail Knight in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade into your articles.

1. My Big Fat Greek Wedding - Short Review

Fat ugly grease-ball girl puts on makeup, dates guy who should have cut has longhair off fifteen years ago. Family disapproves, she sleeps with him anyway, and wedding takes place. Everybody's happy! And the beef-curtain's still fat!

2. My Big Fat Greek Wedding - Long Review (PUT WINDEX!)

You're one of the brave. This is a movie all about a fat, ugly Greek girl who - when she finds a guy she likes - puts some makeup on, takes off her glasses, lets her hair down and breaks away from serving food at her dad's cafe. All of this makes her...a fat, ugly Greek girl with a bit of slop on her face, no glasses, frizzy hair and working in a travel agency. Success can only be found in the movies!

This girl, Toula, is depressed about life in Chicago without getting laid. So, desperate for a man inside her, she completely changes her lifestyle (except not), and continues to hope for the man of her dreams, all the while living at home. At age 30. Right.

PUT WINDEX! Her father, who is in this movie for two reasons, ably assists her in her search for the man of her big fat Greek dreams. First, to tell her repeatedly "You look old" (hint: she does even after the transformation from gremlin to goblin) and secondly to shout "PUT WINDEX!" at seemingly pointless moments. He apparently believes every skin injury can be cured by spraying Windex on it.

This is funny the first time you hear it. Less so the second. By the third you want to take the bottle of Windex and shout "PUT SHUT!" at him as you beat his old face with the bottle.

While working in her new job, Toula spots Ian Miller walking by her window. Ian, who is tall, handsome and happened to have been in Northern Exposure, is not Greek. Toula's family will disown her to the sewers from whence she came if she marries a non-Greek. SEE HOW THE COMEDY IS SET UP?! After Toula falls over like a stooge, and Ian gets beaten up by an old grandma (no joke), they fall in love.

At the same time, they also fall right out of the term "romantic comedy" and just become "fluff love story."

The only other moments of intended comedy are when Ian's uptight parents are introduced to Toula's family at a Greek party. Their insults about the Greek way of living are intended as a funny culture clash, but instead just come across as unfunny and embarrassing. PUT WINDEX!

As you can probably imagine, hilarity ensues for the next hour or so, with Toula's family gradually coming round to the idea that if her daughter wants to have sex with Ian, they should give their consent, so at least they can perv on them doing it.

And that, my friends, is that. The end scene is the big fat Greek wedding in question, before the whole thing ends with a perfect premise for a sequel. Or perhaps a television show? Hey! I've got an idea! Let's do a show called My Big Fat Greek Life, following the further wacky adventures of Ian and Toula! And then let's make it suck even more than the movie! And then get it cancelled! Oh, wait. Someone already did that. Hee!

PUT WINDEX! See? Still not funny.

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