21 Grams
Review By: Joe

What the shit! This movie, 21 Grams, is a rather poor excuse for a homofilm. I said homofilm!!! This is some indie-type film produced by the same production company that produced Lost in Translation, Focus Films. The big difference here being that Lost in Translation was good and this movie is infested with crap and cholera. I said cholera!!! When I saw the preview and it was like "Duhh, 21 grams is the amount of cash money weight you lose when you die!" I thought it sounded real gimmicky! But my sister wanted to see it so we did! It was gimmicky! In nearly every facet! God, I am so right!!!!!!

For some reason, this movie is getting all sorts of critical acclaim which just goes to show you once again that critics know crap about shit and retarded crazy idiots like me are where the money is at! Then how come I am so poor? Hmm...the mystery of life! Is that in a theme song? Do they say that in the lyrics to 21 Jump Street? I bet they do.

I have a feeling this movie is getting called "supernice" (I saw eight authentic reviews that used that term) simply because of the fact that it deals with mind-numbingly depressing issues and that's "RADICALLY DIFFERENT AND COOL" just like it was in Requiem for a Don't Do Drugs. Basically, this film is made by some Spaniard (it isn't in Spanish though) and it concerns a bunch of people who have really horrible shit happen to them.

OH MY GOD! YOUR HUSBAND AND TWO CHILDREN GOT HIT BY A CAR AND DIED! OH MY GOD! YOU ARE DYING OF SOME FATAL DISEASE WHICH I DON'T BELIEVE IS EVER ACTAULLY DEFINED IN THE CONTEXT OF THE FILM BUT YOU NEED A HEART TRANSPLANT TO CURE IT! OH MY GOD! YOU GOT A NEW HEART BUT NOW YOUR BODY IS REJECTING IT SO YOU KEEP VOMITING ON-CAMERA AND MAKING DISTURBING WHEEZING NOISES THAT SOUND LIKE A BABY SUFFOCATING! OH MY GOD! NAOMI WATTS OF THE RING HAS DECREASED IN HOTNESS DUE TO THE SMALL FAT PACKETS SHE HAS ON BOTH SIDES OF HER MOUTH AND HER INCREDIBLY NASTY TITTIES!!!

I hope you enjoyed all those caps because it was a terrible strain on me and I shan't be able to do it again for some time! Oh gosh, this is funny! GRR! Now listen, damn you! This movie also has a very irritating directing style to it. It's basically one of those films that assumes that, because it's an indie film of sorts, it can get away with looking like utter shite. Therefore, the picture quality of the entire movie is very grainy and the camera always seems to be drifting about as though the cameraman has adult ADD even when the shots require no movement and would probably be better expressed and more tolerable were the frame to just stay the hell still. You know, I'm not a stickler for perfection or anything here but it seems to me that with all the unnecessary movement of the camera that it would probably take more effort to make it look this crappy. Now what the hell is the point of that?! Fruntz! That's right, I said it.

This movie is told out of sequence also! This is a rather popular device! Memento was told out of sequence for a reason (although I still don't like it that much) and so was Citizen Kane (legally, you have to at least respect Citizen Kane). This movie is just way out of order for no goddamned reason other than to be wacky! It doesn't even really help to build suspense in any way because, although you at first have to piece everything together as it is given to you and it is mildly interesting, eventually (and quite a bit before the film reaches its end) you know just about everything! And the few remaining mysteries don't even prove themselves to have enthralling answers! Bah! I don't care!

This movie thinks it is going to make me sad by putting in a lot of fucked-up situations! I think doing this is a goddamned copout! Anyone can make a depressing movie if you fuck everyone over in horrible situations! Here is my idea for SAD DRAMA INDIE FLICK #569!!!

A peaceful, god-fearing man's entire family is raped and killed by a pack of rabid marmosets! Many graphic scenes of the raping and killing are included for shocking effect! One of the kids' eyes pops out and he gets reamed in the socket! Ew! Nasty! The guy cries and cries for eight days in a dark closet with a gun in his mouth and the movie showcases this explicitly by having this scene actually go on for eight days! Eventually, he goes out to revenge his family but while crossing the street he gets hit by an SUV and dies! Then the SUV rapes him! Then the entire world blows up! Then the sun rapes the moon!! OHHH THE HORROR + SADNESS / PI = SUREFIRE GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINEE!!!

That said, I wasn't even very sad in this movie because I didn't give a damn about the film's wack-ass characters! Naomi Watts plays some crazy bitch! I don't care! Sean Penn is an awesome actor but him and Naomi Watts act like damned idiots together so I don't care! Benicio Del Toro is the shit but he plays some hardcore Catholic who teaches his children some ridiculous shit about hitting each other! I don't care! So, this poopmonkey of a director used all kinds of fucked-up situations and I still wasn't moved! You FAIL MISERABLY, fruit salad! RRG ARRG!!

A friend of mine tells me that this Spanish man has another film that's almost exactly the same thing! Lots of poorly filmed depressing shit with no purpose or message told out of order for no friggin' reason! Bah! Who the hell would want to keep making movies like this?! The shit is the point?!? Oh I know! Golden Globe nomination! Shut your mouth!

Go see Mystic River! Sean Penn is in that movie too and it's considerably better (although by no means perfect) and his performance is better too! Next time you call a movie 21 Grams you'd better be handing out complimentary drugs along with the ticket to sedate me for the entirety of your crappy, crappy movie! GOOG! A drug joke! This film deserves no better!

Incidentally, this movie has been out for some time now and is probably just about to leave the theaters. Thus, my belated review helps you immensely! Ha ha ha ha!!! I don't care!!! Neither do you!

I reiterate that Naomi Watts' tits are nasty!

So many exclamation points!!!!!!

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