The Core
Review By: Jeff

"It's like Armageddon, but underground" said the clerk and with that my hopes of an action packed sci-fi extravaganza were dashed to pieces upon the checkered floor of my local video store. It if wasn't for the fact that I already paid for it, then I would have happily avoided The Core like the plague but it was too late so the only thing I could do was rent another movie to get rid the awful taste that was sure to be left after viewing.

The Core stars...uh...people, look I didn't care who they were while watching it so I also don't care enough to look up their names now. Anyway, the movie itself is one overdone cliché after another so instead of discussing everything, I'm gonna go the extra mile and offer The Core: Abridged Edition. HERE WE GO!!!

ACT ONE

Army Man: The Earth has stopped moving and birds are flying into my shiny new medals! GET ME SMART PEOPLE!

Person: We have found several people for the job of restarting the planet but we don't have any way to reach the core. ALL IS LOST!

Black Guy: By sheer coincidence, I'm building a super train to penetrate the Earth's crust so I can collect lava for my dolphin farm. ASTOUNDING I SAY!!

ACT TWO

Woman: OH NO! We're trapped in a cavern of crystals that is slowly filling with lave thanks to that huge hole we made coming in! WE'RE DOOMED!

Black Guy: A giant crystal is lodged in front of our ship! We need to cut through it before the crystal-eating lava manages to set us free. SUSPENSE!

Science Guy: The captain is dead!

Woman: He died so I can become a better pilot and have sex with you after the mission.

ACT THREE

Science Guy: Ok, we only have one shot at this and, if we fail, then we'll only have one shot to pull this off and if that doesn't go well, then we'll only have one shot left.

Evil Science Guy: Even if we fail, there is still a chance. The Army can use the very Earthquake machine that caused the problem only now to fix it because that would be good.

Woman: Even though I'm a member of the military, I think the government is evil and should destroy all weapons because the environment is precious. I LOVE YOU SCIENCE GUY!

ACT FOUR

Science Guy: Everyone but us is dead!

Woman: They all sacrificed their lives for the good of the mission.

Science Guy: Except for the French Guy, he would have lived if your weren't such a bitch about opening the door.

Woman: Yep, every last one of them. HEROES ALL!

ACT FIVE

Science Guy: The Whales are telling the navy where we are by singing to them. WE ARE SAVED!

Woman: GO PLANET!!

HAPPY END

There you go, almost 2 hours of crap cut down to a couple of minutes and all it cost you was precious time that you can never get back, EVER.


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