Yet Even More Life After Walt
Review By: Gringo

These articles just won't stop! Don't believe me? Click here, here and here. Then return. Go ahead, I will wait for you. DO DOO DOO DO. LA LA LA LA. HO HUM. PEE PEE. DOO DOO. Are you finished looking yet? GOOD.

Ugh, so much with the capital letters. So ugly! Bow...break...fall...face...break! Hooray! References to The Goonies already. No, wait. I've never made a single reference to that movie in any review ever on this site. Those little shits can go fuck themselves! Ooh, you is so clever Gringo! Such naughty swearing! THIS POINTLESS DIATRIBE IS OVER!

Um. Yeah.

So yes, I've written three of things already, and the basic idea is that I choose four Disney animated features and make fun of them. Originally, it was all about finding trends in the movies, like annoying sidekicks and strange sexual themes. But that's kind of fizzled out, and now it's just a piss-take of the movies. Sloppy writing, you see, is the key to this site's development.

Although I keep saying this, I think I'll probably make this the last such Disney article, and focus in more depth on individual stupidity, like in my Lilo & Stitch review. You care...not at all.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire. This is one of those movies I bought on spec, just because the DVD happened to have a lot of supplementary material on it. Open the Gringo money vaults! Spend money unnecessarily! It's the same reason I bought The Wizard Of Oz (yes, I have an ambiguous sexuality, princess) and also The Long Good Friday.

While the former movie wasn't really very good - and I don't particularly care if you disagree - the latter was truly spectacular. I recommend you watch it as soon as possible, if only to see Pierce Brosnan get hit on by Belloq out of Raiders Of The Lost Ark in a seedy swimming pool changing room. Oh, he kills Belloq, but still.

Uh, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, anyone? It's a pretty enjoyable movie, even if I've not really watched much of the bonus material yet. The story is about a bunch of people who go in search of the fabled lost city, and it's pretty straightforward. The good guys who turn out to be bad guys are fairly easy to spot by their arched eyebrows and menacing voices, but it's still a decent - if hardly outstanding - entry in the Disney series.

Success at last, Walt! Shame you had to die.

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs. You know what the greatest thing about this movie is? The song Hi Ho, It's Off To Work We Go. Mind you, not because the song's great. It's pretty insipid and annoying. It gets into your head and keeps repeating over and over in your mind, forcing you to scratch violently at your scalp in a desperate attempt to get the sound out! OUT! Or maybe it doesn't.

But either way, the reason the song is something of a winner is the fact it was referenced so well in Gremlins. Remember the scene? All the little green-and-black kill-beasts are sitting in a cinema, watching Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs, when the dwarves break out in song. And so the monsters start singing with their limited vocabulary of "Ja" sounding like a Nazi chorus at a book-burning party.

Hey! Another thing! The title says dwarfs, but Microsoft Word also accepts dwarves. What the fuck? How crazy the English language is!

Anyway, with this being one of the oldest Disney animated features (perhaps the oldest? I don't know, I couldn't be bothered to check), it looks pretty dated, and I've never been into that fairy/Prince Charming/happy woodland shit, so I will say no more about this wacky little movie.

Hercules. I really don't like this movie. One of the only good things about it - if not the only good thing about it - is the fact Jon Lovitz does some voiceover work.

This is yet another Disney movie that spawned (a) an unnecessary computer game, (b) an unnecessary cartoon series and (c) an unnecessary amount of words written about it on this site.

Why don't I like Hercules? You don't really care, do you? Don't even bother trying to feign interest in my opinion. You know, it's really hurtful when you toy with my emotions like that! Do you ever think about how your actions affect others? Heartless bastard!

Before I head off to my regular therapy session, I shall explain why I am not a fan of this movie. It is a run-of-the-mill Disney production, cobbled together with a script that only just passes the C+ mark, voice-over actors who sound like they want to be elsewhere, and an idea that's only been given the greenlight because the decent creations - like The Lion King - take longer than three months to conceive. Take that, you cynical, cash-greedy House of Mouse!

Plus, remember the golden rule - any Disney movie that spawns a television series automatically becomes a naughty.

The Great Mouse Detective. He investigates stuff. Just like Inspector Gadget! GO, GADGET, GO! BABABABABA-BADA-BA-DA-DA! Well, not at all like Inspector Gadget. For one thing, Basil - the great mouse detective referenced in the movie's title - doesn't have the ability to sprout a helicopter out of his forehead or springs out of his feet just by saying "Go, go Gadget feet!" or some such.

This tale (I could have put tail in a comedy reference to the fact Basil is a mouse, is all about Basil, a mouse detective - have you got that fact already? - on the trail of naughty nasty creature Ratigan. And that's about it.

It's quite good if I remember correctly, but as you've probably been able to tell by now, I don't re-watch these Disney movies before writing these articles. Considering the last time I watched The Great Mouse Detective was when I was about eight or nine years old, it doesn't bode too well for the accuracy of anything I've written above.

Still, I've always been an advocate of movies that take famous literary characters or stories and turn them into animals or freaks. Just look at Muppet Treasure Island. What a winner that movie truly is. See? I have no academic credibility at all!

Ooh! Miss, I just remembered something! Pick me! Pick me! In my earlier Life After Walt articles, I kept the focus on the recurring themes I'd picked up on in some Disney movies. Notably sexual perversion, xenophobia directed at the British, stupid sidekicks and all sorts of other wacky nonsense.

However, if you've had the plucky bravado to read through the above five paragraphs, you'll have noticed I don't even touch on any of those subversive themes. Shame! Oh no! I just scrolled up and realised I explained the change in article tone in the very first few sentences.

That's the peril of picking up these articles about three or four months after I write one or two paragraphs. It also explains why a lot of the jokes tend to be repeated within the same damn article. Anyway, that's your lot for today. Be grateful I'm letting you off so lightly. I could have reviewed eight, twelve or even sixteen Disney movies this time around!

Conclusion time! I think I really will have to stop these Disney articles now. Or come up with a snappier title, because "Now Yet Even More Life After Walt" is just plain ugly and hard to say. Oh well!

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